Ever since I was little, I always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom–at least while the kids were little.
That’s what my mom did, and it seemed like the natural fit for me too. Before we married, my husband and I talked about it and were in full agreement. He would work, I would stay home, and I would go back to teaching once the kids were in school.
It was the perfect plan… until we tried it out.
Turns out, I don’t have the personality to be a stay-at-home mom. I’m a type-A overachiever, goal-setter and perfectionist. I need to be busy. I need projects. I LIKE working. And I needed something to occupy my time or I was going to go crazy.
Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my kids and love being home with them – but being just a stay-at-home mom was not working out.
At first, my husband was less than thrilled.
After all, we had agreed that I would be a stay-at-home mom, and here I was, doing a bait-and-switch. While all of the other moms were lamenting having to go back to work and putting it off as long as possible, I was the odd-ball who couldn’t wait to get out of the house.
He didn’t really understand, and honestly, I don’t blame him. I didn’t really understand it either.
Thankfully, we did eventually find a way to make it work. My husband doesn’t want me to work necessarily. But he understands and is very supportive – especially now that we’ve found a good routine that works for our family.
He works outside the home and I work from home, mostly while the kids are napping or after they’ve gone to bed. I have numerous projects going on, but I’m still here for our kids. It works for us.
Finding this balance wasn’t easy though. Even though we both tried to be accommodating as possible, there were definitely times when we didn’t see eye-to-eye! And I have a feeling that we aren’t the only family who has gone through this.
Whether you desperately want to stay home or you can’t wait to go back to work, if you aren’t on the same page as your husband, finding a balance that works best for your family can be incredibly difficult to do. Here are a few tips from someone who has been there; hopefully you’ll find them helpful too.
**By the way, if you and your husband also disagree on parenting, I have a good post on that too: When You and Your Spouse Disagree on Parenting
1. Find Out What His Objections Are
First, start by figuring out what exactly your husband is objecting to and why. You say “My husband doesn’t want me to work” — but do you know why, exactly?
Does he want you to stay home because he worries about your children’s safety or because he feels like he should be the sole provider? Does he want you to work because he feels like you can’t afford to live on one income or because his mother really let herself go as a stay-at-home mom and he doesn’t want that to happen to you? Try to get to the root of the issue.
Related Reading: When Your Husband Makes Decisions You Don’t Agree With
2. Remove As Many Objections as You Can
Once you know exactly what fears, concerns or worries your husband has, you’ll be in a much better position to address them. Does he have an excellent point or is he just being fearful? Do you have a solution or plan he hasn’t thought of that will eliminate his concern? For example, if he is fearful about sending your children to daycare, perhaps you could suggest a sitter he would be comfortable with.
My husband doesn’t want me to work because he wants to make sure our kids are well taken care of — by me. He doesn’t want them to go to a sitter and he doesn’t want me too stressed out trying to do too many things at once. Once I showed him that I really can do both (I work when my kids are sleeping anyways), he was much more on board.
3. Highlight the Benefits
Chances are, there’s a reason you want to stay home or return to work. And after you’ve taken the time to really understand your husband’s perspective, now it’s your turn to share yours. What would being a stay-at-home mom or working mom mean for you and your family? Would you be able to spend more time with your children, worry less, take that vacation you’ve always dreamed of or secure a more reliable future? Let him know what your motivation is as well.
4. Seek a Compromise
It should be stated that the point of these steps isn’t to manipulate your husband into letting you do things your way. As a married couple, you should both be entitled to a say in the decisions that will affect your family. Rather, the point of these steps is to help you work through the real issues to find a solution that both of you can wholeheartedly agree to.
For us, it meant me working from home. For you, it might mean working part time, working only on the weekends, finding a job you could do from home, cutting way back on the weekly splurges or taking up couponing to make ends meet. The possibilities really are endless–you just have to get creative!
5. Be Open to Change
No matter what decision the two of you agree on, it will likely take some tweaking and getting used to–and that’s okay! New, perfect routines are not created over night. There will definitely be some give and take, and some tweaking and testing.
Keep the lines of communication open and be willing to make changes as needed. Eventually you will find a solution that works great for both of you!
Discover *God’s* Will for Life
In addition to talking with your husband, the BEST way to come to an agreement is often for both of you to seek God’s will for your family together.
And I have the resource to help you do just that!
If you want to learn how to hear, obey, and follow God’s will for your life, I’d love for you to check out my new book, Follow God’s Will: Biblical Guidelines for Everyday Life, along with the Follow God’s Will companion workbook.
Practical, encouraging, and full of biblical truth, Follow God’s Will is designed to help you answer questions including:
- What does God want me to do?
- How do I apply the Bible’s instructions to my life today?
- Where is God calling me personally?
- How can I make a difference right where I am?
- How should I navigate relationships with those who think, act, or believe differently than I do?
- And so many more!
Want to start reading for free?
Simply enter your first name and email below, and I’ll send you an exclusive “first-peek” right away, right to your inbox!
Given the choice, would you rather be a stay-at-home mom, work from home or work outside the home? What does your husband want?
Brittany Ann is an ECPA bestselling author and founder of Equipping Godly Women and Monetize My Ministry. She’s also a Christian speaker, podcaster, and conference host. Her work has been featured on numerous TV, radio, and online ministries, including CBN, MSN, Christianity Today, Evangelical Alliance, Patheos, Crosswalk, and more.
I am struggling with something similar. My husband has been out of work for 10 years and can't find anything. He's given up. I am working, but under-employed. I am earning $25-$30,000 less than I should be. But, he doesn't want me to get another job because if there is a recession, then I will lose my job. I am an accountant with a CPA license. My current job doesn't offer me health insurance. Everyone else here has fully paid coverage, but I am not eligible. So, I don't know what to do. He was very upset with me this morning and now I am feeling really lousy. Our budget is tight. I don't have anything to cut, other than food. So, I am trying to get down to one meal a day. I currently only eat two. He always tells me that I am missing the miracle that we are getting by with one 30-35 a week income. But, there have been no vacations in 11 years. We don't go out to eat. We cut our own hair, etc. No birthday or Christmas presents. He wants me to only have 5 pairs of pants, five shirts, 2 pairs of shoes. Yes, I have more than that, most stuff is at least second hand, if not third hand and I wear stuff until it falls apart. But, when I was younger there were issues with that time of the month and blood on clothes and now sometimes I have bladder issues and need more than 5 pairs of pants to get through a week….not always, but sometimes. I take care of the grass, and that means those pants can't come in the house, so that's one less pair of pants each week in the summer. Yes, we are getting by, but I feel like I should be doing more since he can't. We weren't able to have kids, so as a positive, there isn't that cost to worry about because we really would be in trouble then.
I’m sorry that you are struggling with this issue. Have you tried talking to your husband about how you feel and your desire and reasons for why you would like to potentially find a different job?