It’s 9:00 pm. The kids are finally in bed. The house is picked up — at least most of the way. Field trips forms are signed, lunch money’s in backpacks, everyone’s shoes are lined up neatly by the door, ready for another big day tomorrow.
You breathe a sigh of relief. Your long day is finally over.
Well, almost over.
You glance over and there’s your husband, practically salivating at the mouth. Again.
You glance down. Stained t-shirt and ratty yoga pants – the ones with the small hole in the seat. You really should throw them away, but they’re just so comfortable. Your hair’s a mess and your make-up is long gone, worn away by a day that even 24-hour make-up couldn’t withstand.
“Ugh, how can he even find this attractive? What’s wrong with him… what’s wrong with me?” you wonder so loud you have to stop for a second and make sure you didn’t actually say it out loud.
All you really want in the world right now is to crash on the couch with Netflix and cookies and SILENCE, but it’s obvious your husband has other ideas.
And while there’s nothing wrong with wanting an occasional evening all to yourself, when snuggling up with your hubby becomes the exception rather than the rule, there may be a problem.
If you’re feeling more frumpy than foxy lately and you truly don’t remember the last time you were actually excited to jump in bed with your hubby, it’s time to change that.
Here are four reasons why you’re not in the mood – plus plenty of tips for fixing it so you can enjoy grown-up time with your husband once again.
With 18 deep questions perfect for married couples, these sweet cards will help you connect in a deeper and more fulfilling way than ever before.
Sometimes a little mental intimacy is just what you need before you can even think about physical intimacy.
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1. You’re Tired and Stressed
I don’t have any official statistics on this, but I wouldn’t be surprised if some combination of stress and/or tiredness was the #1 reason women aren’t in the mood for sex.
Between working, taking care of the children, keeping up with the housework, and all of the bajillion things we women do on a daily basis, it’s a lot to handle! It’s only natural then, that something has to fall by the wayside.
Unfortunately, all too often, it’s our marriages that suffer as a result. Sex feels like another chore, or something you have to cross off your already too long to-do list.
This is especially true for moms of littles, who can be seriously DONE with all the constant touching by the end of the day, but it doesn’t stop there. Even if your kids are grown or you have no children at all, tiredness and stress can take a serious toll on your love life.
How to Fix it: If you are so stressed out or so tired that it’s taking a toll on your marriage, you have to find ways to create margin and rest.
- Block off time for rest. Mark it on your calendar, guard it with your life, and then use it well.
- Cut back on your obligations and commitments – at least for this season. You (and your children) don’t have to be involved in everything that comes your way.
- Delegate what you can. Maybe your husband can cook dinner sometimes, your kids can do more chores, or you can sign up for a service like $5 Meal Plans where they’ll do all your meal planning for you. (Click here to get two weeks free)
- Do something fun and relaxing. Get a mani/pedi. Read a book. Go sit at Starbucks by yourself for a half an hour. Go shopping with girlfriends. You may be surprised how much a little time away can really rejuvenate you.
And don’t forget – sex is a great stress reliever… (just saying)
2. You Have an Underlying Physical Condition
It’s absolutely amazing what complex creatures God created us women to be. Unfortunately, with so much going on under the surface, all it takes is one small change to throw our hormone levels out of whack.
Pregnancy, menopause, depression, thyroid levels, birth control and other medications… these are all physical conditions that can have a major impact on us physically, emotionally and sexually. Not to mention the natural rise and fall our hormones experience as we go through our cycles every month.
Not only do we experience times of low desire, but conditions like these can make sex uncomfortable, painful or even impossible at times.
While some variation in sex drive is completely normal and natural, if you’re rarely ever in the mood, a physical condition may be at play.
How to Fix it: Talk to your doctor. Hopefully the problem is a quick fix, such as using a little extra lubrication or taking a simple vitamin or hormonal supplement. Even if the problem is bigger, however, you will want to know so you can do something about it.
3. You Have Hurts and Hang-ups from Your Past
If only sex were purely a physical thing, it would be so much easier. The fact of the matter is, though, that sex isn’t just physical – it’s emotional and spiritual as well. And this means that hurts and hang-ups from your past can have a tremendous influence on your sexual health today.
Whether you suffered rape or abuse, you had someone leave you or cheat on you in the past, you had experiences that left you feeling like you didn’t measure up, or you simply have low self-esteem, all of these can make it incredibly difficult to open up in the bedroom.
Even being raised in a super strict religious setting that taught that “sex is dirty/shameful” or “good girls don’t like sex” can have a major impact.
The good news is, the hurts and hang-ups from your past don’t have to hold you back forever.
How to Fix it:
- Start by identifying exactly what you’re feeling. Are you feeling frightened, vulnerable, ashamed, insecure or something else?
- Try to figure out what is causing it. Can you identify a situation in your past that made you feel the same way?
- Talk to your husband about it. Whether it was a major event or simply a limiting belief, your husband deserves to know what is holding you back. These conversation cards are perfect for getting a good conversation going.
- Proclaim the truth. If the problem involves a lie about your past, it’s time to proclaim the truth. Perhaps something along the lines of “My husband loves me. Just because someone else hurt me does not mean he will.” or “I am a beautiful, much loved daughter of God. God intended for me to connect with my husband in this way.”
- Speak to a trusted counselor. Depending on the nature of your past hurts, simply talking to your husband and filling your mind with positive thoughts may not be enough. Do not be afraid to speak to a trusted counselor or another very Godly woman about your past as well. They won’t judge you. They’re just there to help.
4. There’s Unresolved Issues Between You and Your Husband
Lastly, if the problem really is an issue between you and your husband, you owe it to the both of you to work on it together.
- Perhaps your feelings are hurt or you’re having a difficult time trusting him because of something he did or did not do.
- Perhaps you suspect he’s watching pornography or that he’s dangerously close to an affair.
- Perhaps he really does have a terrible bedroom technique and you need to find a polite way to suggest that you try something different.
Whatever it is – he deserves to know. Don’t give the devil a foothold in your marriage by allowing this thing, whatever it is, to come in between you.
How to Fix it: Find a quiet, calm time to sit down together and discuss the matter, even if you only discuss one small piece at a time. It may not be easy, but it will be worth it.
Bonus Reason: You’re out of Practice
Oh, and one more reason. Sometimes, there really isn’t a problem at all. You’ve just gotten lazy, picked up some bad habits or fallen out of practice. The good new is, this is an easy fix: Have sex anyways.
Sex is like a muscle. If you don’t use it, you lose it. The less often you have sex, the less you will want to. The more often you have sex, the more you will want to. (Generally speaking, and within reason)
And the truth is, you don’t have to be “in the mood” to have sex. It’s completely okay to snuggle up together and just see where it takes you. No, your husband should never force you or try to guilt you into it if you are absolutely set against having sex tonight. But it’s okay to give your husband a gift even when you don’t feel like it. I bet he does that for you all the time in other ways.
(And, chances are, you WILL feel like it once you get started. It’s just the getting started that takes some work).
So, what do you think? Are you tired of always saying “Not tonight, honey” and ready to really connect with your husband in the way that God intended you to instead?
**By the way, it’s not just women who aren’t in the mood. If you’re raring to go but your husband’s the one who is never in the mood, here are a couple good articles for you:
Share if you feel comfortable – Are you and your husband as close as you’d like to be? What’s standing in your way?