Guest Post by Aly of Her Sword
Your marriage has been rocky lately, nothing seems to be going the way you imagined and you’re fed up! Even if you have the best husband in the world, you have probably run into some tension.
I recently had a moment where everything on the outside of my marriage seemed normal, but on the inside, I was feeling unloved. I started to pray asking God if something was wrong with me; I heard Him speak Matthew 6:33 into my spirit.
“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” –Matthew 6:33
I heard God loud and clear: “Your marriage feels off because you are not putting me first.” Conviction sunk in and it was time to evaluate my walk before I worked on my marriage.
You may be thinking, “I know my marriage is not where it is supposed to be. My husband is failing me. He isn’t acting like the man that God created Him to be, and it hurts. He is falling short, and his sin has caused division in our marriage.”
*Related: Why Your Marriage Problems May Not Be Your Fault
I want to tell you, I am sorry you have to go through this trial, you were meant to be treated like a princess, and no one should have to go through what you are feeling. This trial isn’t fair, but it will grow you!
Whether you have a semi-healthy marriage and are feeling unloved, or your marriage is your biggest battle, this post is for you. Ask yourself these six questions first, and then work on your marriage as needed.
**Please note: This post is not meant to make light of serious marital problems. If, after reading this post and evaluating your life, you know your marriage needs help, PLEASE seek help as needed. These questions are only meant to help you ensure that you are addressing the correct issue–whatever that may be for you. They are the first step, not the final word.
1. Where is Your Focus?
Is your focus on God, or your husband? In the questions above, I asked, “Does he appreciate you? Is he lacking?” It is clear the focus was on your husband, not God. When your focus is on your husband, you will see everything he is doing wrong. When we concentrate on The Lord, our hearts naturally stays grateful.
*Related: 3 Ways to Fight For Your Marriage When You’re Busy and Exhausted
2. How is Your Relationship with The Lord?
Evaluate your relationship with God. Are you praying, reading the word, staying transparent, making God the Lord of your home?
3. What Do You Need that You are Not Receiving?
If it is love that you need, you should be getting that love from The Lord first. When feeling unloved, there is a need that is unmet. But The Lord should fill those needs before you seek your husband to fill them. It isn’t your husband’s job to make you happy or to fill all of your needs. Filling your needs is God’s job. Go to Him.
*Related: 10 Ways to Make Your Marriage Fun Again
4. Are Your Expectations Healthy?
Remember your husband is not The Lord. He will not and cannot be a perfect man, but God can be. Are you expecting your husband to be like Jesus? I am not saying that we should not have reasonable expectations and hold are men accountable to be the man God created them to be. I am saying that sometimes our expectations are so high no man could meet them.
5. Are There Underlying Lies that You Need to Evaluate?
The enemy can creep in and make us feel like we are unloved. If you are battling a lie, now would be the time to speak the truth! You are so loved! Declare Scripture over your life!
“See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!” – 1 John 3:1
6. Is There Actually an Issue in Your Marriage?
After you have check your walk with God, this would be a good time to evaluate if there is a real problem. Let me say this one more time, so you don’t miss it, after you check your walk with God, not before. The majority of the time that I feel unloved, it is because I am spiritually disconnected with The Lord. But if you still see a tangible issue in your marriage, this would be the time to sit down and talk with your husband and if needed get some outside help.
*Related: Four Marriage Communication Skills that Prevents Fights
Dear wives, if you are feeling unloved, first seek the Kingdom of God! Run to The Lord and receive His unconditional love that He pours out in abundance to you. Once you are filled up on God, then re-evaluate your marriage. Your first step to working on your marriage should be putting God first.
Then, if there is a problem in your marriage beyond connecting with your heavenly father, don’t lose hope! Our God is a God of restoration! He can turn ashes into beauty. If your battle is too big to solve on your own, please reach out for help! Being a Christian counselor, I recommend getting wise counsel. Find a Christian counselor, mentor, or pastor that understands the importance of a Godly marriage.
*See Also: Want to Fix a Broken Marriage? 6 Things You Should Know
When you and your spouse struggle, what is your first reaction? Do you think turning to The Lord first could help your situation?
p.s. Is you or your husband’s questionable Internet usage playing a factor in your marriage conflicts? If so, then you might want to look into Covenant Eyes, an Internet Accountability software designed to start a conversation. It’s super affordable and can definitely help if you could use some accountability in your marriage.
Aly Hines is a late 20-something year old lady with a heart for Jesus. Three years ago, she encountered the love of God, which freed her from addiction, depression, and anxiety. Now, she is on a mission to help other woman live victoriously through the struggle of everyday issues called life.
I really needed these questions thank you so much for a long the Holy Ghost to use you in such a way. I am with young wife and mother. It has been a challenge to submit to my husband and relinquish control but I know that in order to please God I must do so and I really needed these questions to jump start me taking the right steps. With much prayer and fasting and dedication and focus and I can get there. Be blessed
Glad the article helped you! Submitting and relinquishing control is definitely not easy. The good news is it does get easier with time, practice, and help from God 🙂
Thank you so much for this, its hard sometimes when we get so mad at our spouse.
Thanks! The advice is good for both wives and husbands in this situation. Glad I came across it.
Glad you found it helpful!
I have definitely been dealing with this, and I have realized that my walk with God was lacking. However, it seems like the harder I pray and the more I get in the word, the worse my marriage gets. Now I know its the enemy trying hard to tear us apart… but I am still pushing. My husband on the other hand doesn’t understand where I am coming from, and when I bring up counseling, every excuse comes up. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. btw…. yes I am unequally yoked in this marriage, I know I shouldn’t have; but I am here now and trying to work on it.
Can you go to counseling by yourself? Even if he won’t go, that could still help. And maybe eventually he’ll get curious enough to join you. Or at least see how much you are trying…
I am a63 year old woman and my boyfriend of 5 years is 52. He has left 4 times because we argue. we live in my home every time he lives he will start living with a woman as soon as possible. He has never given us a chance to fix our relatioship. After it dosent work with the other he wants to come back. I ask why not try to fix it right after??? his answer ,he did not think i would take him back. How can he go live with another woman right away? i can not even bring myself to think of another man. I know i am a fool but why keep coming back??
Honestly, he does NOT sound like a keeper at all. Don’t try to marry a man who you would want to try to change. If he were truly committed to you and the relationship, there is NO way he would go be with some other woman right after – especially four times. That’s a major red flag that it’s time to move on.
I really needed to see this!!! I mean REALLY needed to see this. I have not been putting God first in my life lately and my marriage has definitely been suffering. Thank you!!
Awww, hope you get everything all straightened out with God’s help! I know there have been PLENTY of times when I’ve been annoyed at my husband for something, only to turn around and it was me that was in the wrong all along *facepalm* It’s not fun!
My husband does not know how to or will not connect with me. We had a money problem 7 years ago and till this day I can not get him to stay connected with me. He works a lot and is definitely connected with people he works with. We worked the money problem out but, I think by saying we need to sell the boat and or change other things it offended him and he has shut me out. We have not been connected spiritually, mentally or physically in several years. My worry it is effecting our kids (9 and 11). I am not sure how to talk to him without him immediately getting defensive with me. We did seek out counseling but, I feel he knew what to say and when I brought up issues they were usually laughed at or he did not seem to care.
Thank you