Published by Stuck in a difficult marriage? You can find true healing. If you’re wondering, “Can a broken marriage be repaired?” The answer is yes. Here’s how to fix a broken marriage God’s way.
Guest Post by Donna
This year my husband and I will celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary. Forty years of good times, bad times, and everything in between.
Because while we are very happy now, it hasn’t always been this way.
My husband and I married when I was 20 and he was 25. Both relatively young, neither of us really had been taught the skills we needed to deal with the conflict that inevitably happens within a life-long marriage.
I hate drama, and would deal with conflict by avoidance and withdrawal. My husband, on the other hand, would try to win any argument with anger. Anger was his means of controlling the world around him.
All relationships involve two imperfect people, and we were no exception.
As you can imagine – this led to some rocky times over the years!
Over the last forty years, I’ve learned so much about how to fix a broken marriage.
Figuring out how to save your marriage can be a difficult task. I’d like to share with you some of the most important lessons I’ve learned along the way toward healing a broken marriage.
Whether you need to figure out how to fix a broken marriage or you simply want to strengthen the good marriage you already have, hopefully these insights will encourage and strengthen you toward saving a marriage or improving it today.
How to Fix a Broken Marriage God’s Way
1. You Can Fix a Broken Marriage – But You Can’t “Fix” Him
As your husband’s wife, you are closer to him than anyone else. This means you can see all his flaws. This does NOT mean, however, that it’s your job to fix them. A change in behavior must come through a change of heart, and that is the work of the Holy Spirit.
You can pray for your husband. You can encourage your husband. You can build your husband up. But you can’t change him or make him do anything he does not want to do.
Let me state this clearly: When I was wondering how to save my marriage, I realized quickly that nagging doesn’t work!
You can, however, figure out how to fix a marriage, take the steps needed, and fix your own attitude. But you can’t “fix” your husband.
While working on how to save my marriage, I had to see the good in my husband, love him for who he is, and let the Holy Spirit deal with the rest.
2. Your Husband’s Anger Isn’t Always About You
While it’s very tempting to feel wounded and take it personally when your husband is angry or in a bad mood, your husband’s anger may not be about you at all. Sometimes a husband will simply take his frustrations out on a wife because she is there and he feels safe doing so.
(Whether this is right or wrong – we all do it sometimes.)
One of the most liberating things when learning how to fix a marriage is understanding that his frustration isn’t about you.
It is very freeing to realize he can be in a bad mood, and it doesn’t have to be your fault or your responsibility.
I used to get very hurt and wounded when my husband would get angry. Now I am able to let him spout off and get it out of his system when he needs to without getting personally offended.
The good news is: if he is talking, you at least know what is going on. He is sharing what is going on in his emotions and he is being open enough to let you know what he is going through.
If you are wanting to know how to save your marriage, do your best to ignore the anger and listen to what he’s really saying. What’s really going on? What is he really angry about?
These are great insights to have as you’re working on figuring out how to fix a broken marriage!
3. You Have to Own Up to Your Part in the Problem
That being said, sometimes it IS about you. Maybe there are things you are doing that contribute to the situation and make it worse. And you cannot fix a broken marriage unless you are willing to take responsibility for your half.
In learning how to fix a failing marriage, you must be willing to ask the Lord to show you the areas in your life that are not what they should be and be brave enough to make the necessary changes.
All of our motives are not always as pure as we want to think they are, and we all have plenty of room for improvement.
Ask yourself: How am I adding to the situation? Are there things I am doing or failing to do? Am I setting my husband up for success? Do I give him the benefit of the doubt and turn the other cheek? Do I always respond in love and grace?
It doesn’t matter if your husband is a jerk or the sweetest man alive. When you are faced with needing to know how to save your marriage, we need to understand that we are always responsible for our responses, no matter the circumstances.
It is not your husband’s job to make you happy. You must own up to your part of the situation as well.
Related Reading: 6 Things to Ask Yourself Before You Work on Your Marriage
4. Divorce Isn’t the Only Way When Asking How to Fix a Broken Marriage
Please take this the right way: While there are definitely times when divorce is okay or even necessary, divorce is not the only option. And sometimes, God may be calling you to endure a rough season so that you can reap the reward later.
That’s how it was for me.
At one point, our marriage had deteriorated to the point that I had gone numb emotionally. I knew we were in trouble, but did not see a way out. I considered contacting a lawyer to protect myself and my children in the event my marriage failed.
I remember specifically asking God, “Can I give him back?”
I very quickly and emphatically got a “no.”
Yes, there are good reasons to walk away, and I may have even been justified in doing so, but I knew God had other plans for me and for my marriage.
So I determined in my heart that if my marriage failed, it would be because my husband walked away, not me. I wasn’t giving up on my marriage. Instead, I was going to figure out how to fix my marriage.
Related Reading: Is Divorce Ever Okay?
5. When You Can’t Do it For Your Husband, Do it Out of Obedience to the Lord.
When working on how to repair a marriage, this decision made a huge difference in how I handled conflict.
I realize that I had to choose how I would respond. When we had a disagreement and I felt he was treating me unfairly, I had a choice: I could sulk. I could try to “win” the argument. I could try other tactics.
But instead I asked myself: “If divorce is not an option, and you don’t want to stay where you are in your marriage, what response will bring healing? What is the right thing to do?”
I chose to figure out how to fix my broken marriage rather than fight for my rights.
It wasn’t always easy. But in the most difficult days, when I didn’t have much to give, I did my best to love my husband out of obedience to the Lord.
I believe in God’s will for marriage restoration, and I believe the Lord saw my heart and honored this commitment in my desire to know how to save my marriage.
6. It Can Take a Long Time for the Answer to Your Prayers to Come – And it May not be the Way you Want
Sometimes God answers prayer right away. Other times, God says wait.
I prayed for many years to the Lord to show me how to fix a broken marriage before the answer came. And when He did finally respond, it certainly wasn’t in the way that I expected.
The game-changer in my marriage came in the form of a crisis. It was very painful at the time, but I thank God that it happened. Looking back, it was the only situation that we could have gone through that would have produced the healing my broken marriage needed.
Yet, while it was painful at the time, it was also a time of spiritual growth and intimacy with the Lord.
I’ve heard it said that the Lord does not waste any pain. I have found this to be true – at least in my life. So if you are dealing with a broken marriage right now, don’t give up just yet. Use this season of life to get to know the Lord in a very real way. He is there and has not abandoned you. God has a plan for your life, and it’s a good one.
Related reading: Why Doesn’t God Answer My Prayers
Nothing is a quick marriage fix. After forty years, I can say with confidence that marriage isn’t always easy and it takes work. And I can also tell you… it has all been worth it.
That same husband I wanted to give back all those years ago? Now I love him with all my heart. He treats me with love and respect. I watch him daily try to please me and care for me. We often look at each other and know what the other is thinking without saying the words. There is no one on this earth who knows me better than my husband.
I thank the Lord often that I have the privilege to call him my husband and friend.
If you’re looking for encouragement as you try to figure out how to fix a broken marriage, just know that there is hope. The Lord has honored my faith and obedience and healed my broken marriage, and I know He can for you too.
Have you ever gone through an especially difficult season in your marriage, or found yourself Googling, “How to fix a marriage God’s way?” How did you get through it? Do you have any advice for our readers on how to heal a broken marriage?
Not sure if anyone will see this comment (as the comments go from oldest to most recent…), but if you do, I just ask for prayer. Of course, “it’s complicated”, but I’ll try to keep it relatively short, maybe… My husband and I have been together for 7 & 1/2, almost 8 years, and married for almost 3 years. He would probably be (hypothetically) content all by himself. He owns a great business, he has plenty of “projects” at home (necessary and hobby), as well at his mother’s home (widowed). He is nice, patient, fairly reasonable- except when he’s not. During our dating and engagement, a few (maybe more) instances of urgent “need” on my part, or on our part (and, yes, very necessary) came up, and when I tried to address it, I was met with unexpected, and inappropriately inadequate responses. Empathy and concern were lacking, for starters. I won’t go into the details, but I felt cut off.
He is an only child. This is his first marriage. His father passed away almost 20 years ago. His parents did have some issues, however I believe they were fairly resolved before his death. My husband is very decisive. However, problems are identified, facts/ opinions/ !judgements! are determined by his own self, and without any (or extremely little) communication. And decisions are made without any (or extremely little) communication!
I have been been married before. I have one child, who was 8 or so when my husband and I met, 12 when we married, and is now definitely a teenager. My husband has never introduced my son as “…& this is my stepson…” He isn’t involved at all where my son and I are concerned. He knows homework is contentious, and screen time/ getting off of screen is extremely frustrating. I know that many stepparents are not fully involved in parenting, however he doesn’t even “back me up”. His ideas/ beliefs regarding parenting are different than mine, and he has no children. I by no means think I have all the answers (bc obviously I’m having some trouble!), but I have no help (physically or emotionally, and not just with parenting).
I didn’t bring much financially to the table. I am a medical professional, but a few problems: we live in a rural area- so I spend 2 1/2 hours or so driving my son to and from a decent or better school; there isn’t much in the way of work/ career around here and what is “around” (not near), in no way works with my child’s school and rest of life in general; I have struggled with un- or misdiagnosed conditionS for several years, (lots of pain, downtime, managing pain and symptoms; and recently was diagnosed correctly. ONE diagnosis actually covers ALL of the different body systems dysfunctions! I am all about trying alternatives, medically; unfortunately, I know that this condition is progressive and there are only “treatments”. My best option is a very serious surgical procedure, with a recovery that is long (average 2 years)… sooo working/ career is not really something I can do right now. Needless to say, (or should be anyway).
Oh, and I pay most of my bills. My only “income” is child support. My husband does pay for my auto insurance and life insurance (he’s the insurance agent). His benefits cover my health insurance, and he pays for medical out of pocket.
I have been frustrated, resentful, hurt, angry, and for awhile now, outwardly angry and critical. When I have become angry, he just keeps a lid on it, and if I get to be a bit “too much” he has told me I just need to get my crap together and he’ll send me back to … (where I moved here from). We have both pulled away from each other. I don’t know anyone here or in the town where he works. There is -literally!- nothing to do here, especially on your own, with a teen son.
My husband has plenty to do (necessary home projects, hobbies, and friends). He has, over the past year and a half or so, been involved in whatever house, hobby, or friends has to offer. And my angry, hurt (mind, and hurting body) are here, in this house. Just as this global health issue (covid) became 24/7 news, he stated that he will be filing. He has mentioned it before, when we were both angry and fed up. This time he was calm and serious, “I am filing.” A couple of weeks later, I did talk to him (“we” didn’t talk, I did open up and expressed how I have been convicted of my anger, and had sorrow for how hurtful I can only imagine that I’ve been.) For several weeks, he talked, texted, seemed fairly normal. But come time to “open up the state, the country”, he seriously stated that he did and does intend on filing, that he’s “just been so disappointed” by me. To which I said that I too have been quite disappointed! …This seems and feels like a non-marital break up!
Ugh… this is way too long… if anyone actually read through that, I just ask for prayer. I am so deeply sad, hurt, lost… Thanks for reading. And if you found this article, and read through some of the comments, I know you are hurting, too. I do hope that your heart finds peace and restoration that The Lord will provide. ?
I am so sorry to hear you’re dealing with all of that. Have you tried talking to anyone? Would he be willing? Even if he isn’t, it sounds like it may do your heart some good to go, even if it’s alone.
We also have lots of other articles on this topic. I hope something helps!
https://equippinggodlywomen.com/strengthen-your-marriage/#HurtingMarriage
I’m so thankful I came across this. I’ve been doing things so wrong. My husband & I are separated. Have been for almost 2 weeks. I’m diligently praying for his return! There are rumors that it has spread at his job that we are separated & he’s enjoying flirting with other young women but he denies those claims & I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt bc there was a time in our marriage he could have easily gave up on me for stepping out & having an emotional & semi physical relationship behind his back. I’m so thankful he stuck it out with me & I plan to stick it out with him! I’m starting tonight to send encouraging & uplifting messages & scriptures to him! Please pray for us! I love my husband & I want him home as the man God wants him to be & I want to be the woman, wife, mother, daughter, friend, sister that God wants me to be! ???
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through that. I really hope everything works out for you both! <3
Emily I feel your pain. We are in a similar position. My wife and me are separated for about 4 months. I want to reconcile and fix whatever I have too. My problem came from economics and my family involvement as well as here younger brother passing and her grief that got me here.
I did the same thing as you I gave her time to find herself by her request and prayer of oh god . I found out she’s dating a Christian man and she doing wonderful… covet not thy neighbors wife he must of missed.
It broke my heart my trust was thrown in the trash can and she doesn’t think it’s a big deal because she didnt sleep with the guy.
Well I went to the lord and asked should i drop this and got a no and a scripture 1 Corinthians 7:10-11. So I wasnt to put her away. Also I’m her husband she’s in a bad place running on feelings. In feelings you in the enemies camp.
So I had my direction and how I was to look at this I love her she is my wife and no matter what she does I will forgive her and attack the powers attacking my wife becuase my battle is not with flesh and blood but powers and principalities.
Bind the enemy in Jesus name. humble myself knowing how I would handle this is not good and roll the care on him. Know I’ve been redeemed from the curse of the law and seek him and his wisdom while following his lead on what I’m supposed to do. Also I confess he heals my broken heart and binds my wounds and thank him and praise him for my good marriage making me a good husband and her a good wife calling things that be not as though they were… then enter into his rest.
Sorry you in this spot Emily but you have a friend here and a bigger friend in Jesus.
My husband and I have been separated a year and two months. I want to reconcile but he doesn’t seem to want it. He doesn’t answer my text, emails, or phone calls. I don’t know if I should go up there and try to talk to him again or just give him what he acts like wants: divorce. Like I said I don’t want that and I’ve prayed and tried to reconcile but nothing from him just silence. Since I left he has been arrested, doing drugs and looking at porn. There was also evidence that he might be doing more. I found condoms, blood on his sheets, and found what looks like sex toys! I have also seen on his bank statement that he spent money at a sex store. What do I do??? Some people tell me to get rid of him and others tell me to pray for a miracle but how long do I wait for him to tell me. It takes two to do the tango and he won’t even come to the dance floor. I made the mistake of marrying someone I was unequally yoked to but I don’t want to make another mistake either so I have been very prayful but I’m not getting an answer. ?
My husband and I have been married for nearly 13 years. We have had our financial struggles that have led to some pretty heated arguments. Several times things from our past (even argumenta while dating) get brought up from him. I accept all of the things that he says, as I know where I have gone wrong. These arguments and the cut-downs that we both give to one another have left me feeling like I cannot fulfill my duty in the bedroom. I just can’t move past it. I know this has hurt him and I don’t even know where to start to rebuild. I am trying so desperately to be in constant prayer about the situation as I don’t want to commit what is adultery by withholding what is spiritually supposed to be ours. How do you move away from your anger of past arguments (that seem to spawn daily) and lay down with the person who has put the anger there and not feel defiled? I am a Christian. We do attend church every time the doors are open, and I feel that this is hindering not only my relationship with my husband but my relationship with Christ. Any advice is welcomed!
I am sorry you, and your marriage, are going through this. This seems a little beyond my level of expertise, but I am pretty sure bringing up the past isn’t a great way to deal with things. It sounds like healing and forgiveness are needed, and I would recommend finding a good, Christian counselor to get started.
In the meantime, while you are searching for additional help, I recommend:
Four Things Every Christian Needs to Know about Forgiveness
I have only been married for four months and my marriage is moving towards separation too. But my only recommendation for moving past and submitting yourself to your husband is forgiveness. True, full and complete forgiveness. Research and see where you’re lacking. Forgive him and surrender yourself to the Lord. Do prayers, rosaries, novenas and anything else to help build your heart up. Forgiveness seems to be the biggest barrier from what I see! God bless you. I will pray for you.
After 26 years of marriage, 5 kids & dealing with a recovering addict, I can get without a doubt that God hears our prayers. It’s been a huge roller coaster. It’s not all 100% yet, but we’ve made a break through and God is still working on our marriage. Yes, the divorce word has come up several times, but at the end it’s not always the right choice when you think about your kids vs your own selfish desire. Keep being that woman of God, your husband sees you. He secretly admires your strength.
I love your strength and your love for the Lord. Thank you for sharing!
Hi,
Thanks for giving us this platform to open up and most likely get some help.
I have been married for 21 years. I think I got married to my spouse because it was meant to be. I say this because he wasn’t the most romantic nor richest or most handsome out of all my suitors, however the fact that he loved going to church back then swayed me as I have always wanted to be with a Christian guy.
Down the lane , he changed, almost anything hurtful has been hurled to me.pornography, suspected/ sexual advances on my kids, infidelity, lack of empathy, sex is nonexistence..we can’t even discuss because most times I feel his conversations centre on vanity whereas am more pragmatic. He is critical of almost anything about me . He recently relocated due to his job and even when he comes visiting us, he now comes with food cooked by him under the pretext that he couldn’t finish them atl home. I am just here as nominal wife.
I can see the signs, I know God hates divorce and am willing to save the marriage. I also know I may have my faults which I may not be aware of but have been praying to God to help me. Am really tempted to start acting out as am really hurt but am hanging in there. Please I need PRACTICAL and REAL help, especially in line with my Christian faith .
Thanks
Hello, Anon,
I am so sorry you are dealing with this! I do have another article for you: https://equippinggodlywomen.com/marriage/is-divorce-ever-okay/
But unfortunately, this is beyond our scope of “real help”.
If you believe you would benefit from counseling, we strongly recommend FaithfulCounseling. This is a Christian partner program of BetterHelp (the world’s leading provider in online counseling) and they are very convenient and affordable! If this is something you are interested in, here is my affiliate link where you can find additional information. faithfulcounseling.com/egw.
Hello,
I’m not sure if this will be seen? I just need somewhere to release some weight off my mind and body. My husband and I are coming up on our 13th year of marriage. We just had our 4th baby earlier this year. Our newest baby beat all the odds that the medical world warned us about, and I know that was done by the grace of God! What I’m getting at, is life continued and, as it does, added new stress.
In 2018, we got news his mother was diagnosed with stomach caner. We joke that she went on her time, 8 months after her diagnoses, because we were told 6 months tops that she would live. I was prepared to be my husband’s wall to lean on and ready with open arms whenever he needed me. Instead, he found escapes in other ways that have now put a heavy weight on our relationship. One of those escapes was a friendship with another woman that made me feel uncomfortable. He was showing interest in her likes and even hiding communication with her from me. So much so, he started ignoring me. When I would try to talk with him about it, he would protect her and make me sound petty. And during this time, I lost my job due to the business ” going out of business”. Then, 2020 happened!!!
From late 2018, until today, we are still fighting over the relationship he had with the other woman. I had voiced in early 2020, that I was carrying a broken heart and needed help getting passed it. I thought we were working together to strengthen our relationship, to just find that he was still talking to her. (5 months into, what I thought, was us getting back to us.) I was made to feel guilty for having my feelings and for carrying our 4th child. He continues to “protect” her and tells me communication about her is off limits now. He only sees my pain as being an inappropriate response to his relationship with the other woman. That I need to understand that it was “just” a friendship and, I’m having a hard time with that. I’m feeling replaced, hurt, and ignored. I’ve lost my friend, and slowly loosing my husband. I need him to understand my pain instead of accusing me of being insensitive to his. The worst part is, anytime I try to express or talk about my hopes, joys, or anger, he turns it around to make me feel guilty. Even now, typing this, I feel guilty for feeling so broken hearted. I don’t know what to do? I got on the computer today, to look for scriptures to help with a broken heart. Any suggestions?
I am so sorry you are dealing with this! It sounds like your husband isn’t hearing your concerns. But you know who does hear them? God.
These scriptures really help me out (and a lot of others, too). https://equippinggodlywomen.com/faith/bible-verses-hard-times/
I pray you find comfort in them as well.