Stuck in a difficult marriage? You can find true healing. If you’re wondering, “How do I fix my marriage?” here’s how to fix a broken marriage God’s way.
Guest Post by Donna
This year my husband and I will celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary. Forty years of good times, bad times, and everything in between.
Because while we are very happy now, it hasn’t always been this way.
My husband and I married when I was 20 and he was 25. Both relatively young, neither of us really had been taught the skills we needed to deal with the conflict that inevitably happens within a life-long marriage.
I hate drama, and would deal with conflict by avoidance and withdrawal. My husband, on the other hand, would try to win any argument with anger. Anger was his means of controlling the world around him.
All relationships involve two imperfect people, and we were no exception.
As you can imagine – this led to some rocky times over the years!
Over the last forty years, I’ve learned so much about how to fix a broken marriage. And now, I’d like to share some of the most important lessons I’ve learned on the way to a loving and healthy marriage with you.
Whether you need to figure out how to fix a broken marriage or you simply want to strengthen the good marriage you already have, hopefully these insights will encourage you and strengthen you in your marriage today.
How to Fix a Broken Marriage God’s Way (6 Things You Need to Know)
1. You Can Fix a Broken Marriage – But You Can’t “Fix” Him
As your husband’s wife, you are closer to him than anyone else. This means you can see all his flaws. This does NOT mean, however, that it’s your job to fix them. A change in behavior must come through a change of heart, and that is the work of the Holy Spirit.
You can pray for your husband. You can encourage your husband. You can build your husband up. But you can’t change him or make him do anything he does not want to do. Let me state this clearly: Nagging doesn’t work!
You can take steps to fix a broken marriage, you can fix your attitude, but you can’t “fix” your husband.
See the good in him, love him for who he is, and let the Holy Spirit deal with the rest.
2. Your Husband’s Anger Isn’t Always About You
While it’s very tempting to feel wounded and take it personally when your husband is angry or in a bad mood, your husband’s anger may not be about you at all. Sometimes a husband will simply take his frustrations out on a wife because she is there and he feels safe doing so.
(Whether this is right or wrong – we all do it sometimes.)
It is very freeing to realize he can be in a bad mood, and it doesn’t have to be your fault or your responsibility.
I used to get very hurt and wounded when my husband would get angry. Now I am able to let him spout off and get it out of his system when he needs to without getting personally offended.
The good news is: if he is talking, you at least know what is going on. He is sharing what is going on in his emotions and he is being open enough to let you know what he is going through. Do your best to ignore the anger and listen to what he’s really saying. What’s really going on? What is he really angry about?
These are great insights to have as you’re working on figuring out how to fix a broken marriage!
3. You Have to Own Up to Your Part in the Problem
That being said, sometimes it IS about you or there are things you are doing that contribute to the situation and make it worse. And you cannot fix a broken marriage unless you are willing to take responsibility for your half.
You must be willing to ask the Lord to show you the areas in your life that are not what they should be and brave enough to make the necessary changes. All of our motives are not always as pure as we want to think they are, and we all have plenty of room for improvement.
Ask yourself: How am I adding to the situation? Are there things I am doing or failing to do? Am I setting my husband up for success? Do I give him the benefit of the doubt and turn the other cheek? Do I always respond in love and grace?
It doesn’t matter if your husband is a jerk or the sweetest man alive. We are always responsible for our responses, no matter the circumstances. It is not your husband’s job to make you happy. You must own up to your part of the situation as well.
Related Reading: 6 Things to Ask Yourself Before You Work on Your Marriage
4. Divorce Isn’t the Only Way How to Fix a Broken Marriage
Please take this the right way: While there are definitely times when divorce is okay or even necessary, divorce is not the only option. And sometimes, God may be calling you to endure a rough season so that you can reap the reward later.
That’s how it was for me.
At one point, our marriage had deteriorated to the point that I had gone numb emotionally. I knew we were in trouble, but did not see a way out. I considered contacting a lawyer to protect myself and my children in the event my marriage failed.
I remember specifically asking God, “Can I give him back?”
I very quickly and emphatically got a “no.”
Yes, there are good reasons to walk away, and I may have even been justified in doing so, but I knew God had other plans for me and for my marriage.
So I determined in my heart that if my marriage failed, it would be because my husband walked away, not me. I wasn’t giving up on my marriage.
Related Reading: Is Divorce Ever Okay?
5. When You Can’t Do it For Him, Do it Out of Obedience to the Lord.
This decision made a huge difference in how I handled conflict.
I realize that I had to choose how I would respond. When we had a disagreement and I felt he was treating me unfairly, I had a choice: I could sulk. I could try to “win” the argument. I could try other tactics.
But instead I asked myself: “If divorce is not an option, and you don’t want to stay where you are in your marriage, what response will bring healing? What is the right thing to do?”
I chose to figure out how to fix my broken marriage rather than fight for my rights.
It wasn’t always easy. But in the most difficult days, when I didn’t have much to give, I did my best to love my husband out of obedience to the Lord.
I believe in God’s will for marriage restoration, and I believe the Lord saw my heart and honored this commitment.
6. It Can Take a Long Time for the Answer to Your Prayers to Come – And it May not be the Way you Want
Sometimes God answers prayer right away. Other times, God says wait.
I prayed for many years to the Lord to show me how to fix a broken marriage before the answer came. And when He did finally respond, it certainly wasn’t in the way that I expected.
The game changer in my marriage came in the form of a crisis. It was very painful at the time, but I thank God that it happened. Looking back, it was the only situation that we could have gone through that would have produced the healing my broken marriage needed.
Yet, while it was painful at the time, it was also a time of spiritual growth and intimacy with the Lord.
I’ve heard it said that the Lord does not waste any pain. I have found this to be true – at least in my life. So if you are dealing with a broken marriage right now, don’t give up just yet. Use this season of life to get to know the Lord in a very real way. He is there and has not abandoned you. God has a plan for your life, and it’s a good one.
After forty years, I can say with confidence that marriage isn’t always easy. And yet, it has all been worth it.
That same husband I wanted to give back all those years ago? Now I love him with all my heart. He treats me with love and respect. I watch him daily try to please me and care for me. We often look at each other and know what the other is thinking without saying the words. There is no one on this earth who knows me better than my husband.
I thank the Lord often that I have the privilege to call him my husband and friend.
If you’re looking for encouragement as you try to figure out how to fix a broken marriage, just know that there is hope. The Lord has honored my faith and obedience and healed my broken marriage, and I know He can for you too.
Have you ever gone through an especially difficult season in your marriage? How did you get through it?
Have you got any advice for me.We go to a dance group and I am noticing that my husband is attracted to a divorced woman there. She seems to be attracted to him too. What should I do; please help.
Have you spoken to your husband about this? What do you mean by “attracted?” Maybe he’s just being a little insensitive and doesn’t realize how his actions are coming across to you?
I really thank )God that I read this. It really helped in a time of darkness that there is a light.
Awwww, hang in there. *hugs*
Short story, married 34 years, husband announces without discussion he no longer wants sex, no talking about this either even though I have brought it up with his counselor, still no communication, now he says he wants a dog for companionship and I am wondering what role I have any more, lover-no, companion-no, I guess I am the maid, and maybe the cook this stinks any words??
That’s not good! He is seeing a counselor though? A Christian counselor? I’d say there has to be something else going on before this. Men don’t just suddenly don’t want sex for no reason.
The same what it says. Forgive not forget, rendered your heart n soul to Lord n true while hoping Lord havebetter plans for us.
Thank you for your very sound and helpful post. We are in this same season now. We have been married 23 years. We are separated and are working on putting our marriage back together. We separated bc if his anger and when we did I️ honestly thought it was all his fault and he needed to change. I️ have been convicted of my part in the marriage and the things I️ need to work on. I️ do feel called to return to living together, bc I️ think God has a bigger plan for us. Thank you for confirming all that I️ have been learning and continue to learn each day! God bless!
I need your advice.my husband and I had an argument started 2 months ago. He stated this one just suddenly occurred to him. The situation he is talking when I used to work in this company 9 years ago. He accused me of cheating. He said the only proof he had was photos of me standing with a group together with this man. But I told him he is only a coworker nothing else. But he believes that he is the guy. I already left that company and move to a new one and those years till before that fight, we were happy. But he is saying he does not trust me anymore. We are not talking or sleeping together. He is sleeping in another room. What should I do?
chances are probably he’s the one cheating. A least that’s what my experience has been. And I was/am a stay at home mom. have you gone to counseling (not that it helped my situation)?
Do you have a way to see whose called who? whether it’s your phone bill/his? or text messages?
for the longest time, I couldn’t figure out why I was being accused of cheating when I took our kids every where (which was usually getting grocery & paying bills or seeing my folks), then I started noticing numbers that I didn’t recognize on our phone bill, then found pictures & texts from other women.
It’s something to check into, including counseling, otherwise your going to drive yourself insane & stress has a major negatively affect on your body.
My marriage is on the brink of divorce. Married 2 years, been together 13 years. He’s abusive an frankly I’m fed up with it. I pray,pray an pray with no answers..
I honestly don’t want divorce.
I want marriage restored, a happy Godly marriage.
He says he’s saved but doesn’t walk with the Lord.
Satan has hold of him..Broken heart!! Please help
If he is abusive, then yes, you need to get out. I’d encourage you to check out this article instead: https://equippinggodlywomen.com/marriage/is-divorce-ever-okay/. And this one by Sheila Wray Gregoire of To Love Honor and Vacuum is fantastic as well: https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2017/09/why-christian-marriage-advice-is-shallow/.
I just read this. It all sounds like my husband and me. I’ve been to the point of wanting to leave many times. I wish I could talk to you. God has made it clear he wants me to stay. My heart is with my husband. I just don’t feel like we are on that narrow path that leads to a life long commitment. He knows I’m dissatisfied. I’ve told him I do not want to leave but I want our marriage to last, but I don’t see that we are doing the things that make that happen. The anger, the insecurity, the resentment, the tension. Makes it hard to breathe sometimes. I have an insatiable hunger for God that is keeping me afloat. I feel so broken down and so needy. I’m constantly searching and seeking for answers. When I find an answer I just want to freeze the moment so it lasts and I don’t forget it. I need help from someone who has been through this and come out on the other side. I haven’t read anything as specific as to what you said in this blog. It does give me hope. But I really haven’t met anyone in the same situation. Even counselors can’t really help me. I think most people just give up. I’m in that season of waiting where things aren’t changing and I have to completely rely on God for any source of stability. Thanks for this blog. Would love to correspond somehow.
well you found some one who is in the same boat as you .sound like my life right now .i dont know what to do .but keep praying for answer my heart tells me to stay but its also hurting to get out of the pain as well. lost in this marriage as well my name is Wanda L
Oh Hannah and Wanda I am right there with you girls… :'( I do not know where to go or who to turn to. And we just moved to a new city a year ago so none of the people here at my church really “know” my husband so I don’t know who to even talk to… I am so broken down as well… I want to separate but I am a SAHM so absolutely have no idea where to even start… This hurts so bad…
My husband says he’s not happy and he wants a divorce. He cheated on me, over the phone, but has since stopped talking to her. He can’t see that the grass won’t be greener on the other side. He is adamant that he wants a divorce so he can be happy again. I’ve changed through God and prayer to try and help save our marriage but even though he sees the change, he still wants out. We tried counseling but not with a Christian counselor and she was terrible. He won’t even go see a new counselor. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want my kids to lose their daddy. I don’t want to lose him. Please help.
I’m so sorry to hear this! Have you seen this article of mine? It may shed a little more light on the situation: https://equippinggodlywomen.com/marriage/is-divorce-ever-okay/
I’m not a woman, so I hope I can post this here. My wife and I are separated, she has filed for divorce and I want to fix it. I was the one who stepped out on our marriage. She asked me to leave a month ago after this came out and two weeks later she tells me she filed for divorce. She doesn’t want to do anything like counseling with me. The paperwork was supposed to be ready a week ago and I’ve been praying that they won’t be ready. Ive turned myself and our marriage over to god. He is answering prayers and I know it’s his will for us to reconcile and fix our marriage. She on the other hand dose not believe that. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers please
Wow, this is so good. Thank you so much! I definitely needed to read something like this today. I’m grateful for being able to read this! Once again. Thank you so much.
So glad you found this helpful! 🙂
we keep having fights and stuff from the past over and over and yelling and using hurtfull words to each other that stay with us.untill the nexted fight.sometime our daughter gets between our relationship as well. by seperating or making me pick one of them over the other. its hard to tell what in all going on but right now all i see is to fixs us to get out.but something or the lord is telling me to fight.the hurt is what make me want to go.we tend to use words.to really hurt one an other. some time it gets pretty rough. i have been praying right now we havent talked for a week or more and voiding each other .me more because iam afraid of the words and argements that comes up.its easyer to stay in seperate rooms right now and dont know if that is right or wrong.
well right i have broken marriage and everything is look at the way out.
Hello. I am a newlywed who is happily married. We have a great relationship and are both in love with Jesus. The problem is that he is a former widower and we got married very close on the heals of her passing. It has been a very hard year because as happy as we are, it is his first without her. Now I realize that one of the first reactions is to say, be compassionate to him, he’s grieving, you should have known that this would be a challenge. I am doing all of these things, and am not giving up on him. I have walked with him throughout this entire process. And while I can’t take on his grief, I feel it every bit as much because we live in their house, her stuff is all over the place and he’s only recently purged the last of her clothes. Her ashes sit on the floor by the fireplace. He is still very sensitive, obviously, and is unwilling to hear how his constant comparing and talking about her even on dates and intimate moments affects me. I loved her, as she was my best friend (we met in church). So, to say that I have a great deal of empathy and compassion for him during this time is an understatement. in fact, I can say that in many ways, its a blessing that I get to pray for him and be there for him in a way no one else could be. That is a blessing and in fact, our Pastor calls me his Esther. But this is taking a great toll on me and our relationship as I’ve sacrificed so much and all I would love is for him to understand a few simple things. I know that he is in his first year without her, and there expectedly and understandably times when he is going to be sad or think of her, the first anniversary of her death, their anniversary, her birthday, etc. I’ve prayed him through these times and been patient. But please consider this: This is also our first year of marriage, so the times when he’s been sad and distant has also been during our first Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Year, his birthday and Valentines Day (which was a total nightmare). But no matter what, I understood and accepted this when I married him. And while I’m praying for him, listening to him, I am also pushing back heavy emotions that are every bit as valid as his emotions and grief. But there is this unspoken expectation that I will and should simply close my mouth and not be hurt or disappointed or indeed, do not speak of these things, as what right do I have? He lost his spouse? But I do have a right, as when she died, his covenant to her ended. The love didn’t and the memories didn’t but the responsibility to her and their covenant ended. When he chose, yes CHOSE, to marry me, he pursued, and asked me and we had several conversations and when he married me, he made a new covenant with me, making me the primary woman the ONLY woman to whom he owes allegiance. Now, I do not expect he will never speak of her, but I do expect that he will not speak of her during intimate moments, or compare me to her, or make me wear her clothes.
I asked if we could go to therapy and because he feels very strongly that seeking outside help is out of the question, he told me very directly and I quote, ‘if you go to therapy, then you need to understand that will be the downfall of our marriage and it will be on you.’. I will not jeopardize my marriage, so I choose to seek the Lord and rely upon Him to empower me, strengthen me, and give me the grace and words I need to say.
I am also going through some health concerns that are very similar to hers, so that only complicates matters. I believe that God is the God of this marriage and He is working to bring about healing for my husbands heart and the Holy Spirit is working to pierce his spirit with the truth of what he needs to do to put his past in the past, just as I’ve had to with mine, and move forward with this marriage. Please know that I am not nor have I ever asked him to forget, how could I? our past, all of us, makes up who we are, and I would never ask him to forget her. But I ask only that in his healing, he appreciate the memories they had, the years and time and value them. But acknowledge that I had years before him, too, and now, this is our time, and our future, and I cannot nor should I have to share my marriage with another woman, even one who is now with Jesus and some would say is no threat. She is as she is still in the home. I ask only for prayers from my Sister’s in Christ. Thank you for allowing me to share my heart and recognize that my heart rests solely in the Lord and the power of His might. And we, my husband and I, will overcome! I believe our marriage will be stronger and will endure this painful trial and in the end, he will appreciate me and the beautiful marriage that we are creating in Christ.