Stuck in a difficult marriage? You can find true healing. If you’re wondering, “Can a broken marriage be repaired?” The answer is yes. Here’s how to fix a broken marriage God’s way.
Guest Post by Donna
This year my husband and I will celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary. Forty years of good times, bad times, and everything in between.
Because while we are very happy now, it hasn’t always been this way.
My husband and I married when I was 20 and he was 25. Both relatively young, neither of us really had been taught the skills we needed to deal with the conflict that inevitably happens within a life-long marriage.
I hate drama, and would deal with conflict by avoidance and withdrawal. My husband, on the other hand, would try to win any argument with anger. Anger was his means of controlling the world around him.
All relationships involve two imperfect people, and we were no exception.
As you can imagine – this led to some rocky times over the years!
Over the last forty years, I’ve learned so much about how to fix a broken marriage.
Figuring out how to save your marriage can be a difficult task. I’d like to share with you some of the most important lessons I’ve learned along the way toward healing a broken marriage.
Whether you need to figure out how to fix a broken marriage or you simply want to strengthen the good marriage you already have, hopefully these insights will encourage and strengthen you toward saving a marriage or improving it today.
How to Fix a Broken Marriage God’s Way
1. You Can Fix a Broken Marriage – But You Can’t “Fix” Him
As your husband’s wife, you are closer to him than anyone else. This means you can see all his flaws. This does NOT mean, however, that it’s your job to fix them. A change in behavior must come through a change of heart, and that is the work of the Holy Spirit.
You can pray for your husband. You can encourage your husband. You can build your husband up. But you can’t change him or make him do anything he does not want to do.
Let me state this clearly: When I was wondering how to save my marriage, I realized quickly that nagging doesn’t work!
You can, however, figure out how to fix a marriage, take the steps needed, and fix your own attitude. But you can’t “fix” your husband.
While working on how to save my marriage, I had to see the good in my husband, love him for who he is, and let the Holy Spirit deal with the rest.
2. Your Husband’s Anger Isn’t Always About You
While it’s very tempting to feel wounded and take it personally when your husband is angry or in a bad mood, your husband’s anger may not be about you at all. Sometimes a husband will simply take his frustrations out on a wife because she is there and he feels safe doing so.
(Whether this is right or wrong – we all do it sometimes.)
One of the most liberating things when learning how to fix a marriage is understanding that his frustration isn’t about you.
It is very freeing to realize he can be in a bad mood, and it doesn’t have to be your fault or your responsibility.
I used to get very hurt and wounded when my husband would get angry. Now I am able to let him spout off and get it out of his system when he needs to without getting personally offended.
The good news is: if he is talking, you at least know what is going on. He is sharing what is going on in his emotions and he is being open enough to let you know what he is going through.
If you are wanting to know how to save your marriage, do your best to ignore the anger and listen to what he’s really saying. What’s really going on? What is he really angry about?
These are great insights to have as you’re working on figuring out how to fix a broken marriage!
3. You Have to Own Up to Your Part in the Problem
That being said, sometimes it IS about you. Maybe there are things you are doing that contribute to the situation and make it worse. And you cannot fix a broken marriage unless you are willing to take responsibility for your half.
In learning how to fix a failing marriage, you must be willing to ask the Lord to show you the areas in your life that are not what they should be and be brave enough to make the necessary changes.
All of our motives are not always as pure as we want to think they are, and we all have plenty of room for improvement.
Ask yourself: How am I adding to the situation? Are there things I am doing or failing to do? Am I setting my husband up for success? Do I give him the benefit of the doubt and turn the other cheek? Do I always respond in love and grace?
It doesn’t matter if your husband is a jerk or the sweetest man alive. When you are faced with needing to know how to save your marriage, we need to understand that we are always responsible for our responses, no matter the circumstances.
It is not your husband’s job to make you happy. You must own up to your part of the situation as well.
Related Reading: 6 Things to Ask Yourself Before You Work on Your Marriage
4. Divorce Isn’t the Only Way When Asking How to Fix a Broken Marriage
Please take this the right way: While there are definitely times when divorce is okay or even necessary, divorce is not the only option. And sometimes, God may be calling you to endure a rough season so that you can reap the reward later.
That’s how it was for me.
At one point, our marriage had deteriorated to the point that I had gone numb emotionally. I knew we were in trouble, but did not see a way out. I considered contacting a lawyer to protect myself and my children in the event my marriage failed.
I remember specifically asking God, “Can I give him back?”
I very quickly and emphatically got a “no.”
Yes, there are good reasons to walk away, and I may have even been justified in doing so, but I knew God had other plans for me and for my marriage.
So I determined in my heart that if my marriage failed, it would be because my husband walked away, not me. I wasn’t giving up on my marriage. Instead, I was going to figure out how to fix my marriage.
Related Reading: Is Divorce Ever Okay?
5. When You Can’t Do it For Your Husband, Do it Out of Obedience to the Lord.
When working on how to repair a marriage, this decision made a huge difference in how I handled conflict.
I realize that I had to choose how I would respond. When we had a disagreement and I felt he was treating me unfairly, I had a choice: I could sulk. I could try to “win” the argument. I could try other tactics.
But instead I asked myself: “If divorce is not an option, and you don’t want to stay where you are in your marriage, what response will bring healing? What is the right thing to do?”
I chose to figure out how to fix my broken marriage rather than fight for my rights.
It wasn’t always easy. But in the most difficult days, when I didn’t have much to give, I did my best to love my husband out of obedience to the Lord.
I believe in God’s will for marriage restoration, and I believe the Lord saw my heart and honored this commitment in my desire to know how to save my marriage.
6. It Can Take a Long Time for the Answer to Your Prayers to Come – And it May not be the Way you Want
Sometimes God answers prayer right away. Other times, God says wait.
I prayed for many years to the Lord to show me how to fix a broken marriage before the answer came. And when He did finally respond, it certainly wasn’t in the way that I expected.
The game-changer in my marriage came in the form of a crisis. It was very painful at the time, but I thank God that it happened. Looking back, it was the only situation that we could have gone through that would have produced the healing my broken marriage needed.
Yet, while it was painful at the time, it was also a time of spiritual growth and intimacy with the Lord.
I’ve heard it said that the Lord does not waste any pain. I have found this to be true – at least in my life. So if you are dealing with a broken marriage right now, don’t give up just yet. Use this season of life to get to know the Lord in a very real way. He is there and has not abandoned you. God has a plan for your life, and it’s a good one.
Related reading: Why Doesn’t God Answer My Prayers
Nothing is a quick marriage fix. After forty years, I can say with confidence that marriage isn’t always easy and it takes work. And I can also tell you… it has all been worth it.
That same husband I wanted to give back all those years ago? Now I love him with all my heart. He treats me with love and respect. I watch him daily try to please me and care for me. We often look at each other and know what the other is thinking without saying the words. There is no one on this earth who knows me better than my husband.
I thank the Lord often that I have the privilege to call him my husband and friend.
If you’re looking for encouragement as you try to figure out how to fix a broken marriage, just know that there is hope. The Lord has honored my faith and obedience and healed my broken marriage, and I know He can for you too.
Have you ever gone through an especially difficult season in your marriage, or found yourself Googling, “How to fix a marriage God’s way?” How did you get through it? Do you have any advice for our readers on how to heal a broken marriage?
It's 215am and I have to be up for a 12hr shift in 3hrs. I can't sleep. This could be my last night laying in bed with my husband of 20yrs. Last night he finally admitted to me that he was done trying and done being married to me. He admitted to being in a relationship with his boss for at least 6 months. I attempted to clearly communicate to him that I am changing for the better, that i am not walking away and I will not stop praying for us. Now I lay awake while he sleeps. I am reading every prayer I can find and this article popped up. One of the elders at church had already told me that I can change me but can not change him. My elder told me to pray and stay; make him walk away. Then my heart can start to heal knowing that God and I tried. Thank you for the article and reaffirming my path.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this, Jessica. My heart breaks for you. It sounds like you are doing the right things by praying and looking for encouragement and support.
Hi there . I happen to come across this and I am sorry for what your going through . How have things turned out ? I have been sewerage’s from my husband for awhile and he says he’s done trying as well . 26 yrs we’ve been married 😢
Your article was God-Breathed and a blessing. It was just what I needed to read at this point in my marriage. May God continue to bless and keep your marriage and ministry.
Thank you, Allison! I am so glad this was encouraging to you.
I'm male, so I'm kinda in the wrong place for the right reasons. My wife told me she was done. I believe in Christ, I'm just not very good at it, nor am i a model christian. She wants me to be a strong spiritual leader for our family, but i struggle finding my own place with my personal relationship with Christ. I was angry, probably said some things i shouldnt, and here I am searching for advice. google dropped me here. I dont know what else to do, but this article has helped me gain a little insight on where to go from here and hopefully set me on a solid attempt to healing my marriage.
I am so glad that you found us on your Google search and that this article was encouraging to you.
Joshua, you are not alone. We have many similarities in our faith and position in the family. However, our paths differ because I have recently realized that I am on the Autism spectrum, which has helped me see many reasons for my quirks and interpersonal challenges over the years. It is even more challenging when you know which of your love languages are most important, and your spouse deprives you of those areas because of the past shortcomings that were ultimately related to ASD.
I also am here due to a google search because I feel like I am expected to figure out how to fix myself with no help or participation from her. This seems like being intentionally set up to fail, knowing the challenges with ASD and perception and social skills. I have been praying more recently than usual, but I also struggle in my relationship with God because I have always heard him referred to as our heavenly "father." My childhood relationship with my father was not biblical and, at best transactional. This, in mind, makes it difficult to wrap my brain around God as a heavenly father when my biological father was everything but godly. I try every day to be a better husband. Still, consistency is one of my biggest struggles in life, and when you are being neglected to "punish" shortcomings that you have no control over, it makes it very difficult to want to keep trying. I struggle with being ready to walk away in hopes that with me not there, she can't blame me, and a new whipping boy will have to be found. God hasn't let me walk away yet. I have begun doing more research and reaching out to our pastor for help. But honestly, I feel like if I have to make every effort because of the past that once again, it is going to be a doomed failure because how long can someone be emotionally, physically, and spiritually neglected?
Keep your eyes up, Joshua. I will be praying for you as well. It isn't always the men's fault, regardless of the opinion our society wants to propagate.