Ever since I was little, I always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom–at least while the kids were little.
That’s what my mom did, and it seemed like the natural fit for me too. Before we married, my husband and I talked about it and were in full agreement. He would work, I would stay home, and I would go back to teaching once the kids were in school.
It was the perfect plan… until we tried it out.
Turns out, I don’t have the personality to be a stay-at-home mom. I’m a type-A overachiever, goal-setter and perfectionist. I need to be busy. I need projects. I LIKE working. And I needed something to occupy my time or I was going to go crazy.
Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my kids and love being home with them – but being just a stay-at-home mom was not working out.
At first, my husband was less than thrilled.
After all, we had agreed that I would be a stay-at-home mom, and here I was, doing a bait-and-switch. While all of the other moms were lamenting having to go back to work and putting it off as long as possible, I was the odd-ball who couldn’t wait to get out of the house.
He didn’t really understand, and honestly, I don’t blame him. I didn’t really understand it either.
Thankfully, we did eventually find a way to make it work. My husband doesn’t want me to work necessarily. But he understands and is very supportive – especially now that we’ve found a good routine that works for our family.
He works outside the home and I work from home, mostly while the kids are napping or after they’ve gone to bed. I have numerous projects going on, but I’m still here for our kids. It works for us.
Finding this balance wasn’t easy though. Even though we both tried to be accommodating as possible, there were definitely times when we didn’t see eye-to-eye! And I have a feeling that we aren’t the only family who has gone through this.
Whether you desperately want to stay home or you can’t wait to go back to work, if you aren’t on the same page as your husband, finding a balance that works best for your family can be incredibly difficult to do. Here are a few tips from someone who has been there; hopefully you’ll find them helpful too.
**By the way, if you and your husband also disagree on parenting, I have a good post on that too: When You and Your Spouse Disagree on Parenting
1. Find Out What His Objections Are
First, start by figuring out what exactly your husband is objecting to and why. You say “My husband doesn’t want me to work” — but do you know why, exactly?
Does he want you to stay home because he worries about your children’s safety or because he feels like he should be the sole provider? Does he want you to work because he feels like you can’t afford to live on one income or because his mother really let herself go as a stay-at-home mom and he doesn’t want that to happen to you? Try to get to the root of the issue.
Related Reading: When Your Husband Makes Decisions You Don’t Agree With
2. Remove As Many Objections as You Can
Once you know exactly what fears, concerns or worries your husband has, you’ll be in a much better position to address them. Does he have an excellent point or is he just being fearful? Do you have a solution or plan he hasn’t thought of that will eliminate his concern? For example, if he is fearful about sending your children to daycare, perhaps you could suggest a sitter he would be comfortable with.
My husband doesn’t want me to work because he wants to make sure our kids are well taken care of — by me. He doesn’t want them to go to a sitter and he doesn’t want me too stressed out trying to do too many things at once. Once I showed him that I really can do both (I work when my kids are sleeping anyways), he was much more on board.
3. Highlight the Benefits
Chances are, there’s a reason you want to stay home or return to work. And after you’ve taken the time to really understand your husband’s perspective, now it’s your turn to share yours. What would being a stay-at-home mom or working mom mean for you and your family? Would you be able to spend more time with your children, worry less, take that vacation you’ve always dreamed of or secure a more reliable future? Let him know what your motivation is as well.
4. Seek a Compromise
It should be stated that the point of these steps isn’t to manipulate your husband into letting you do things your way. As a married couple, you should both be entitled to a say in the decisions that will affect your family. Rather, the point of these steps is to help you work through the real issues to find a solution that both of you can wholeheartedly agree to.
For us, it meant me working from home. For you, it might mean working part time, working only on the weekends, finding a job you could do from home, cutting way back on the weekly splurges or taking up couponing to make ends meet. The possibilities really are endless–you just have to get creative!
5. Be Open to Change
No matter what decision the two of you agree on, it will likely take some tweaking and getting used to–and that’s okay! New, perfect routines are not created over night. There will definitely be some give and take, and some tweaking and testing.
Keep the lines of communication open and be willing to make changes as needed. Eventually you will find a solution that works great for both of you!
Discover *God’s* Will for Life
In addition to talking with your husband, the BEST way to come to an agreement is often for both of you to seek God’s will for your family together.
And I have the resource to help you do just that!
If you want to learn how to hear, obey, and follow God’s will for your life, I’d love for you to check out my new book, Follow God’s Will: Biblical Guidelines for Everyday Life, along with the Follow God’s Will companion workbook.
Practical, encouraging, and full of biblical truth, Follow God’s Will is designed to help you answer questions including:
- What does God want me to do?
- How do I apply the Bible’s instructions to my life today?
- Where is God calling me personally?
- How can I make a difference right where I am?
- How should I navigate relationships with those who think, act, or believe differently than I do?
- And so many more!
Want to start reading for free?
Simply enter your first name and email below, and I’ll send you an exclusive “first-peek” right away, right to your inbox!
Given the choice, would you rather be a stay-at-home mom, work from home or work outside the home? What does your husband want?
Brittany Ann is an ECPA bestselling author and founder of Equipping Godly Women and Monetize My Ministry. She’s also a Christian speaker, podcaster, and conference host. Her work has been featured on numerous TV, radio, and online ministries, including CBN, MSN, Christianity Today, Evangelical Alliance, Patheos, Crosswalk, and more.
Thank you for giving a healthy response to this dilemma. I was afraid you would say something like, “submit to your husband,” but instead you came up with a reasonable way to work through the different viewpoints. Thank you for taking the stance that we all have different needs and different reasons for wanting things a certain way. Not all are good ways to look at things, but not all of them are bad either. Working things out thoughtfully and working together to make them happen with balance is healthy and wise. Thanks again.
hey, my big boss(hubby) is chief doctor (that’s what he calls himself) and is over proud and thinks of himself as someone great. he gets 9500 usd as his salary and that’s what makes him proud. im in the IT field and was an ex test manager and an ex ex project manager. i loved my job. but i loved it too much and thats the reason he doesn’t want me to work.i loved it so much that i put overtime and got 10000 usd as salary. huh? paid more than my husband. he told me to stop
he’s jealous.
Then don't get married? If u were working were you contributing equally or splitting bills 50/50 ? Why wouldn't men be jealous and fed up when their wives work ,do neither of the traditional or modern lifestyle i.e; Don't contribute 50/50 or whine about it and if they are traditional they still whine about going to work
My husbands only excuse is there are men where I work therefore I must be having sex with them all to keep my cleaning job. I work 20hrs a week 4 hrs Mon.thru Fri. But I hear about all the perceived relationships I have daily from my husband. I clean toilets scrub floors vacuum and dust tables nothing more. But he control my life totally he’s lied to my children from 1st marriage they don’t want him around their kids I can go but only alone but he don’t allow that. Or church or friends in person or on phone. What can possibly be said t o him to make him understand this is my time t o do something I enjoy make money pay for our meds and help put food on table. But from him I’m a bad person because I don’t cave in and quit my little job he says I’m killing him however its my health that is suffering.
My husband doesn’t want me to go to college. He wants to be the provider and treat me like a Queen. I have considered not going but a part of me always wonders, what happens if he leaves me one day and I never perused my career. I’ll be left working in a plant (not that it’s bad but I want more for myself.) I’m a junior in High School right now and he’s a freshman in College. I really need advice on what I should do. Should I go to college ? Or should I allow him to be the provider and trust that he won’t leave?
Wait — you’re only a junior in high school and you’re already married? Or do you mean the man that you intend to marry? There’s a LOT of factors at play here either way. What do you ultimately want to do with your life? Does he want the same thing? College isn’t necessary for everyone, but you should agree on the direction your life is headed. (And not make decisions based on fear)
No man has the right to control your life do not make that mistake by letting a man ruin yours. What if you’re not together in a couple years you gave up college? By the way being treated like a queen means that you have a nanny and a house cleaner. Please remember the definition of a queen is not someone who scrubs floors and rubs his feet every day. A.k.a. the typical stay at home housewife
Oh my.. we have the same story line..
Im really sad now that im a stay at home mom. I hate the feeling that you know you have a lot of capabilities but you’re tied up with the mom thing because my husband doesnt want anybody to take care of my lil one. (She’s 19 months by the way). I also feel that im not taking care of myself physically, mentally, socially (i got nobody since i just moved overseas and never had a job in this country), spiritually and emotionally. He keeps on saying it’s ok but im not ok. It really upsets me.
I already told him that i’ll just get a part time job but still a no for an answer.
I got nobody to express this feeling that even saddens me more.
Aww, I can understand that. That’s probably a big part of why I started blogging. It allowed me to do something with my brain and talk to other adults, while still being the one home to take care of my little ones so we wouldn’t need childcare and my husband wouldn’t have to be tied down. There’s also church groups, the library, the gym, etc.
Hi Khristia,
I truly understand you feelings and pain. I’m currently going through the same thing at this point. If you need someone to talk to feel free to email me [email protected]
Wishing you the best!
You are not alone! You are precious! The enemy wants us to think this… I’m feeling the same way and I’m later in life (59) we married and I worked for one year. I’ve been cycling through the same feelings.
These feelings are not God(-ly) thoughts!
That being said: I feel(yes I know) That the mix is wrong. Maybe school is the answer?! Start with one class and work at it all as if it depends on you and pray as if it depends on God. Right now I’m fasting and I will pray for you… be blessed!
I worked for two years following college then stayed home for 10 years after our youngest was born. I feel it’s time for me to pursue another degree and work on my career, but husband is opposed to it. He says that I need to lay aside my personal goals and set out couple goals rather than individual, but I feel that it’s an excuse to not allow me to work or obtain higher education. He hasn’t been friendly toward my paid part-time work outside the home (he’s ok with me volunteering over 40 hours a week as long as I can be home for him), and isn’t fine with my pursuit of education. Though he’s also claimed to come around, but says I messed it up when I showed how shallow and selfish I really am. In honesty, I was fine with being a stay-at-home mom when the kids were little and really needed me, but I can’t see myself remaining a housewife now that the kids are almost grown. I’m really confused, and am having a hard time taking what husband says at face value. And this is eating at me all the time.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Be open and honest with what you want and need. There is nothing wrong with you having personal goals as well as couple goals. Hopefully the two of you can come to an agreement as to what is right for your family.
Hi my name is Gina williams I have a quitstion about my husband he doesn’t want me to go to work he want me to be a baby sitter I really want to go to work I have a one year old son I love my son I love working it seems he spost to take care of me but it doesn’t fell like he not love very much but he’s not doing his job he works 6 to 3:00 pm I just sitting at home all day with my son
I'm not sure how to express this situation. I want to be with my kids and to make sure all is well. I made out a list. I think theres something wrong with me. I got told I was selfish again last night and … Something clicked. I'm a stay at home mom because when I was working tho I love to work all was so hard. Very hard. I thought this would be easier.. But I was wrong. Ive cascaded and spiraled down into nothingness no matter how hard I try. 1)while I was working they never had anything to eat because I wasn't there to cook 2) I did all the deep cleaning and cooking and rearing while i was there and i was utterly exhausted after work but came home and did it all anyways. He helped of course but helping not in a way that eased the load 3)while I was at work hed always have to come up to feed me because I spent all my time making everyone elses lunches I was too tired to care and figured i could just wait till dinner. Drove him nuts but I just couldnt do it all 4) my finances mostly went to groceries but for some reason even when i took that over we never had much money .. It was like i wasn't even working….. 5) theres much more…. But this was a turning point. I came home from work and had prepped meat in the fridge the night before to grill out. I came in and changed (I never had time to shower after work like he does everyday and I'm still not sure why) and so it was supposed to be an easy night. So while he was outside I grabbed a seltzer popped it open and sat on the porch not 20 feet from where he was at with the grill to just sit for a min and watch my two babes play. He storms around the corner and calls me spoiled…. And I think something snapped in me. I must be insane. I had been working and so i was spoiled. But If I'm doing it all here for everyone else as a stay at home mom how is it being selfish or being spoiled. Needless to say I gave into his request to be a stay at home mom after that. But i want my freedom back now. I can't handle it. I dont have the car or anything while im here all day. His mother says i shouldnt work too. Noones listening to me. I literally have cried in front of them and told them I was going insane. To no avail. I just dont know what to do anymore.
Sounds like you are in a tough position. It’s so hard finding balance when you work outside the home as well as fitting everything in because all the things at home still need to be taken care of as well. As a stay at home mom, it can be hard to be able to relax because your job is 24/7. It can be especially hard when you desire to work but your husband wants you to stay home. I hope this article provided some encouragement to you as well as some ideas on how to navigate this topic with your husband.
What if your husband does not want you to work because he fears if you are independant, you will find it easier to leave him if he behaves badly towards you? What if he simply cannot see his wife succeed or do something that proves she is an intelligent person who can contribute to society because that makes him feel inadequate? What if he does not want his wife to work because it hurts his ego? What if he is very supportive with taking care of the kids when the wife is cooking but is agitated to see her use her laptop for professional work? What if he abandons the kids at the time the wife needs to finish her work related tasks, to push her to not work?
This is a tough position to be in. Communication is key. As the wife, you will need to communicate your needs and desires and see if there is a compromise that can make both of you happy and fulfilled. One idea is to write down your reasons for wanting to work so that when you do have the conversation with your husband, you can refer to the list to make sure you say all that you want to say about the topic.
What do you do if you currently have work from home jobs but your husband sabotages you? As in gets in your space when you're trying to do work, constantly wants to show you things online, or won't cook meals because he waits for you to do them all the time? I pretty much recently got fired from a job because I couldn't get away from him to go do work. I try to wake up early or go to bed later to do some work, but it's like he is co-dependent on me. It's starting to really annoy me.
This sounds like a very tough situation to be in. Have you tried talking to your husband about how you feel? Maybe the two of you can work out some guidelines for times when you are working. For example, you could say that you are working from 8 to 10 am, but will give your undivided attention from 10:00 until 10:30 when you take your morning break.