In an unequally yoked marriage? Whether your husband is totally opposed to Christianity or just not that interested, here’s how to cope.
Should Christians marry non-Christians? Unfortunately for many starry eyed single Christians out there, the Bible clearly states the answer is no.
We find this in 2 Corinthians 6:14a, which reads, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.”
(Please note: This isn’t because non-Christians are somehow “less than” or “not good enough.” And it does not in any way imply that someone who isn’t a Christian can’t be kind, loving and a wonderful person or that they can’t help you grow in faith. Most are lovely people, and I’m sure plenty would even encourage you to grow.
BUT if you truly want to make God your #1 priority in life and spend your days growing in Him, it only makes sense that you’d want your other half to share the same goals and dreams for your life. In an unequally yoked marriage — you’re headed in different directions spiritually.)
But what about if you’re a Christian already married to a non-Christian in an unequally yoked marriage? What should you do then?
After all, life can be messy sometimes and things don’t always work out as planned.
Perhaps your faith wasn’t that strong when you married, and you’ve grown since. Or perhaps you were once both strong Christians, but he fell away.
Either way — now you find yourself in a situation where you’re wanting to grow in faith while he could care less. Maybe he’s even hostile towards Christianity. That’s a very tricky situation to be in. And that’s when we turn to the Bible.
* Married to someone who is a Christian, but just a different denomination? Learn what to do when you and your spouse have differing beliefs here.
The Bible on Unequally Yoked Marriage
For information on how to live peacefully as a believer in an unequally yoked marriage, we turn to 1 Corinthians 7, which has a section devoted to the topic:
And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?
–1 Corinthians 7:13-16
It’s a short passage, but combined with the rest of the chapter, cross-referenced with other portions of Scripture and combined with practical advice from other spouses who have been on both sides of the debate (ie: I did a LOT of research on this one, folks!), I do believe it is possible to grow in faith while still married to an unbeliever, and here’s how:
1. Respect His Right to Decide
Whether you agree with your husband’s beliefs or not, the truth is that he is still an adult and he is still entitled make his own decisions. You cannot force, nag, manipulate or pester him into caring about Jesus and Christianity, nor should you try to. It’s his choice.
As I wrote in my previous article, You are Not Your Husband’s Holy Spirit: “There is a Holy Spirit — and you’re not him!”
Even if you’re in an unequally yoked marriage, it is not your job to change your husband, make him grow or get him to convert. That’s the Holy Spirit’s job, not yours.
You can invite your husband to church if you think he might come. You can share some of your testimony if you think he might be interested. You can tell him about the cool Bible story you just read if you think he’d care.
But you can’t force him to believe or care. You have to let him choose for himself.
2. Take Responsibility for You
Just as your husband has the right and responsibility to choose what he will believe and how he will behave, you also have the right and responsibility to choose for yourself how YOU will behave.
This means that if you choose to be a Christian, you also choose to act like one.
This means practicing the fruits of the spirit: love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Gal 5:22-23)
It means living out all of the characteristics of love listed in 1 Corinthians 13: patience, kindness, no envy, no boasting and no pride. It means no dishonoring others, putting yourself first, angering easily, or keeping record of wrongs. It means rejoicing in the truth, always protecting, always trusting, always hoping and always persevering.
Can you say you do all of these things consistently?
(Seriously — take a good long look at those lists. How well do they describe the way you treat your husband when you disagree?)
Because the Bible does not say “Respect your husband IF he does things your way” or “Submit to your husband IF he is kind to you.” Being in an unequally yoked marriage does not let you “off the hook.”
Rather, the Bible says you are to submit to your husband SO THAT it will be a testimony to them.
Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. — 1 Peter 3:1-2
Now, of course, this is where it gets very tricky. Because we know that while we are to submit to our husbands (using the Biblical definition of submission), we also know that we are supposed to submit to God first of all. And it can be REALLY tricky to know where that line is!
You want to be polite and respectful, but you don’t want to go so far as to let your husband be a complete jerk to you while you’re just a helpless doormat. That’s not okay, and that’s not what Biblical submission is about at all.
But on your wedding day, you made vows before God and man – vows to love and honor and cherish – and God still expects you to keep them.
A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. — 1 Corinthians 7:39
**Please note: There ARE some very real exceptions to this, including – but not limited to – divorce and adultery. You can find more on this topic here: Is Divorce Ever Okay?
3. Seek to Understand
Okay, so once you understand your husband’s rights and responsibilities within your marriage and your rights and responsibilities within your unequally yoked marriage (because you both have both — though I can’t adequately cover them all in this article), what happens next?
Seek to understand.
Talk to him. Don’t just assume where he’s at or how he feels; find out how he actually feels and what he actually believes and why.
I will warn you, this may be painful. You may not like (you probably won’t like) everything he has to say. But remember step #1 — that’s his choice. Your choice is simply to get to know him and understand his thought process as much as you can.
For example:
- Does he believe in God? Or is he convinced there is no God, open to the idea of an alternate god, or unsure?
- What does he believe about the Bible? Does he believe any of it is true ? Does he think it’s ridiculous brainwashing?
- How does he feel about you being a Christian? Is he supportive, indifferent or opposed?
- How does he feel about church? Does he just think it’s boring and a waste of time, or is he totally opposed? Are there certain aspects that he feels strongly about?
- Is there a particular reason or experience that turned him off from Christianity, or is he just not interested?
- How did his family handle religion growing up?
As you are having this conversation, be very careful not to show judgment or argue. Yes, you are absolutely allowed to have feelings too, and yes, there are some misconceptions that you may want to clear up. BUT now is not the time and place for that.
Because if he feels like you are judging him, trying to change him, or not really listening, it may cause him to shut down and close up. This is not what you want. You’re just trying to gather more information and put yourself in his shoes so you can understand the situation and get some insights in how to best approach it.
4. Discuss Expectations and Non-Negotiables
Of course, even once you’ve laid a foundation of respect and understanding, you’re still going to have to figure out how to navigate all of the small decisions that you will need to make in your family on a day-to-day basis.
Decisions such as:
- How will you spend Christmas?
- Will your kids go to private Christian school, public school or homeschool?
- What kind of movies, music and reading material will you bring into your home?
- Will any of your family members attend church and how often?
- Will you tithe or give to those in need? To whom will you give and how much?
If you wait until these issues come up to talk about them, life is going to feel like a never-ending tug-of-war between who gets their way the majority of the time.
Instead, you’ll want to talk about as many of them as you can in advance, preferably when you have time to sit down together and have an actual conversation – not just in passing comments here and there. Of course, there will likely be issues that come up seemingly out of nowhere (you can’t anticipate everything), but the more things you can discuss, the better.
And how do you decide who gets to do which thing “their way?”
Start by finding out which topics are MOST important to each of you. Perhaps Christmas has always been a huge deal in your family, but it wasn’t really in his. If it’s a huge deal to one of you and the other doesn’t really care that much, there you go.
Next, find out which parts or aspects of the issue each of you care about the most. For example, maybe you BOTH care about Christmas, but you really want to go to church and he really wants to sleep in and open presents with the kids. Why not take the kids to church the night before or later in the day and do both?
If there are any issues you absolutely refuse to budge on, don’t give him false hope by saying “maybe.” Just be honest with each other with the what and why — but do it in a polite way.
But honestly, there really should NOT be many issues like this AT ALL. Almost everything can be figured out by working together and finding a solution that works for both of you (even if it isn’t what you prefer).
In our family, we go to a Catholic Church I’m honestly not a huge fan of. But I’d MUCH rather our family all go to a church that isn’t my favorite, than have that be a source of stress and contention in our marriage. I can supplement with Christian radio and Bible studies and sermons online all I like, if I feel the need. Going to a church that isn’t my favorite isn’t the end of the world and there’s no need to make a fuss about it.
My husband respects my right to not convert to Catholicism at this time (see #1 above!), and I’m more than happy to send our kids to Catholic church and school.
Yes, they’ll learn the “Hail Mary” (which I’m not a fan of), but it isn’t going to kill them. This is what works for us.
5. Choose to Focus on the Positives
Would it be nice if you and your husband had the exact same beliefs? Sure. But that’s not your reality, unfortunately.
So instead of complaining about it, why not choose to focus on the positives and make the most of it?
- Is your husband a good person? That’s great!
- Does he love you and your family and treat you well? Praise the Lord! (If not, go here)
- Does he let YOU go to church even though he’s not interested? Fantastic!
And one of the biggest positives? Your differing beliefs will absolutely challenge and grow your faith – in a GOOD way – if you let them.
When you and your husband believe the exact same thing, your beliefs go unchecked. You can rest on faulty assumptions and habits that are just your way of doing things.
But when you don’t agree and you try to come together, it absolutely forces you to examine your beliefs, know why you believe them and make sure they are actually true and solid.
For me, I found out a lot of the things I had been taught growing up weren’t actually true!
Learn what you believe and why enough to defend it, and your faith can grow in amazing ways as a result. And that’s a very, very good thing.
6. PRAY!
And last but certainly not least — PRAY!
Just because your husband isn’t receptive to faith now doesn’t necessarily mean he never will be. We serve a God of miracles — a God who can do ANYTHING. Nothing is impossible for Him. Even an unequally yoked marriage.
Will your husband one day be on fire for Christ? I have no way of knowing. But I do know that as you are faithful to what God has called YOU to, He will be with you every step of the way.
Alright, now I’d love to hear from some of you with more personal experience in this area!
Are you in an unequally yoked marriage? What is it like and how do you get through it?
Brittany
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I am unequally yoked with my husband. I grew up in a Christian home and become a Christian at a very young age. When my husband and I were dating, he became a Christian and went to Bible studies and church. Something happened a few years into our marriage that turned him completely off of the Christian life. There are times when he says he’s praying or that he and God are in a good place, but I have been praying for him to return to God for 17 years, and yet I haven’t seen him change.
It’s not easy, and there have been some very difficult times, especially when raising my boys. Thankfully, my husband has never discouraged us from going to church and living to honor God, but it still is very difficult. Prayer is most powerful not only for the spouse who doesn’t live for God but for the wife as well. Never stop praying.
Your article is researched very well. Thank you for taking the time to write to women who struggle with being unequally yoked.
I’m sorry that has been your experience — glad he lets you take the boys though!
I am also struggling in this area with my husband. Even though I was a Christian when we were married, I didn’t attend church on a regular basis. We have been married for 27 years but I have grown heavily in my faith and he hasn’t grown up at all. Because I am a christian and attend church, he expects me to be perfect. If I get angry about something, he says church isn’t helping me and tells me I am wasting my time. Sometimes its a struggle for me just to go to church because I know when I get home, he may be upset. But I go anyway and pray that the Lord will come into his heart and help him to live a more christian life.
I cope with this by praying ALOT about our situation and I have faith that I will see a change one day. Sometimes a see a glimpse of a change but it doesn’t last long so I know God is working on him. But I feel he is fighting it. Unfortunately, I’m afraid its going to take a life changing event to get him to think about his eternal life and how he wants to spend it. Luckily, I have friends who are going through the same thing so I have support when I need it. I will continue to pray for my husband and my marriage. Giving up is not an option for me. I know God has a plan.
Aww, I’m sorry to hear that.
Question for you — do you have a hard time admitting when you mess up too? Do you feel at all like you have to be perfect or holy to set a good example for him? Or to show him how good Christianity is by seeing your life?
Absolutely! Unfortunately, he has never been subjected to any form of religion except what he gets from me. He has only been in my family church three times: our wedding, when he had a frightening health scare and my moms funeral in March. So I am his only example and I don’t want to mess that up. He doesn’t mind if I go to church or church functions for the most part but I do have to hide my tithing. I call myself a “closet Christian” because most of my praising and worshipping is done in away from him. He doesn’t like it when I help other people in need either because we are struggling as well.
I can understand him not being a fan of tithing. It’s hard to believe in how God can work when you’re not sure God exists in the first place! (Shoot, it’s hard to believe in it even when you ARE sure!)
Krista,
Your faith that God will change your husband one day is encouraging. You’re right. Giving up is not an option, so thankfully we have prayer to get us through and the friends who support us.
Keep fighting the good fight!
Thank you, Michelle. Fortunately, I have christian coworkers that I can talk to and when things get bad, we close my office door and pray together. It’s wonderful!
My situation is nearly identical. 🙏
I really love and appreciate this article.
My husband is dedicated to the native american faith, and as many involved in the native church call out to one god as the creator, I have no conflict with my faith in his., However growing more i my faith and bible studies has made me seeking for prayers in my life as a christian wife with whom to support him as a leader in his faith and my continuance in sharing both with our lovely children. Your second passage verse is very helpful Thank you
I’m glad you found it helpful! I have another one that may be helpful to you as well, since he does actually believe in something, just something different. You can read it here if you are interested: https://equippinggodlywomen.com/marriage/what-to-do-when-you-and-your-husband-have-differing-beliefs/
Im a muslim, but I can relate to this article. My husband has recently stopped praying, and it’s killing me. I understand your very well said points, but my problem is something else. I don’t feel the same way about him anymore. I can’t say I stopped loving him suddenly, but I certainly dont feel the same way either. It’s like the passion has gone, he’s a different person to me now. I care less about him.
What shoul I do? :((
You should fall in love with him again. I know, that’s easier said than done, but the truth is that love is a choice and you can choose to do things that cause you to feel more love for him again. Get to know him and what he’s thinking. Look for the good in him. Act like you love him even when you don’t feel like it. Not that you should be dishonest with yourself about how you feel, but you absolutely can do things in your life to help you love him more. That’d be a great place to start 🙂
I appreciate your post also. I have long looked for counseling on the marriage bed aspect of this issue. No one has written about it. Perhaps because there is no solution, apart from the sovereign and mighty hand of God, which can always intervene.
Our marriage died a relatively sudden but painful death when I could no longer participate in lovemaking with a man who had little use for my faith. We had assumed we were both believers when we married 18 years earlier but in hindsight I probably did all the assuming. I had a genuine but still maturing faith; his was based on pretense probably. We later discovered than I had far more interest in pursuing God than he did. He went to church to keep me happy but never got in the Word – he left matters of faith to me. While he did go to church, he was clearly untouched by what he saw and heard there. So when hard times came, it became clear that his was not a genuine faith.
The result? Over time, I despaired, slipped into a darkness, and finally learned to stuff it all.
As I applied pressure, feeling my heart withering as all respect eventually vanished – he backed off, feeling cornered. We learned it was easier to leave it all alone.
When lovemaking because impossible for me, it forced issues and we fell apart. The love had slipped away, we’d grown apart, and he was unfaithful. I too failed our family, as I found emotional intimacy elsewhere as I sought counsel from those of faith. I told him he could not continue in another relationship and stay – it was either me and the kids or the other woman. He would not choose so I made him move out. That brought the end of our marriage. A tragic story. One I will never get over. I have cried out to God. I’m stunned. This issue HAS to be addressed by someone but I cannot find it anywhere.
So my question is – how on earth do women in unequally yoked marriages stay faithful to the marriage bed? How does the love stay strong when there is loss of respect when a man consistently rejects the role of spiritual headship? How do you keep the attraction strong? A man who is passive and not emotionally attached to you is not a desirable partner.
I have never seen anyone get near the marriage bed issue relative to this topic. Please, someone, address this! Brittany?
Your question is exactly what I am asking too. I am growing in my faith and my husband is making it clear that he is not. I have recently become convicted that some of our past behavior is not permissible in the bedroom. I have been struggling with the conviction for the past couple years and finally put my foot down and said I will no longer participate in something I feel is going to send me to hell, and ultimately him as well. He does not agree, calls me a prude, tells me to beat my bible, etc. I feel as this decision could take a very serious turn causing unrepairable damage to out marriage. But I cannot participate in things I know are against the Bible and the Church’s teachings. I would love for some guidance in this issue as well.
For some, an unequal yoking can be extremely annoying for the Christian. A Christian Pastor once said that the unbelieving spouse does not understand how much the believing spouse’s feelings get hurt. And all too often the believing spouse is keenly aware that the unbelieving spouse’s decision making is not based on God. This creates so much reproach. The command to seek like minded Christian spouses is for marriage harmony. I am suffering greatly at times in an unequal yoking because I took the words in the Bible as just words. Lesson learned.
I stumbled upon this article while looking for answers. I have a serious boyfriend who is an agnostic atheist. He is not opposed to children getting baptized or going to church, but he won’t go. One day, if we end up getting married and having children, they will notice their Daddy doesn’t go to church, and he doesn’t plan on lying to them on why when they ask. I think every father should be honest with his children.
I love my boyfriend and knew what I was getting into. I’m 28 years old, he was my friend for a long, long time before we started dating he was once a Christian. I have dated a lot and have gone through much turmoil in my dating life before he asked me out. Dating in my generation is very difficult, especially as a practicing Catholic woman. He is aware of my obligation for the children. He is the only one who’s made me feel like my heart has a home, and wants to build a future together. He has a strong set of morals, he respects my beliefs and sacrifices for me. We are not married, so I always keep getting told that I should cut my losses and stay away from him. I think from my experiences, it’s not that simple.
Before anyone asks, yes, I have tried reaching out to what few suitable Catholic men my age I’ve come across, but I haven’t had any success. I don’t think I’m settling, but adjusting to the realities I face. He’s good to me, and many of our values line up, with this being the only trouble. I don’t want to leave him just because of this. I want to be faithful to the Lord, but I also want a loving marriage. This article looks like it’s more for women who have ended up married to an unbeliever when he was once a believer. I’m worried, but I really loved this article.
Thoughts?
Honestly, I’m going to tell you the same thing everyone else is telling you. (There’s a reason everyone has the same advice).
What is more important to you: Following God or being with your boyfriend? (Take some time and really ask yourself that honestly).
It’s easy to say “Oh, everything will work out” when you’re still dating, but I can tell you with certainty that marriage is hard, and being a great Christian is hard, and you’re going to have a MUCH easier road if the person you choose to partner your life with is someone who is headed the same direction as you are. As Christians, we should be headed straight for God. Our faith should be the most important thing in our lives. And marrying someone with completely different life goals just doesn’t sound like a good idea.
I know it’s hard to find “the one” and it’s tempting to latch on to whatever good comes your way. But don’t settle for “good” and miss out on God’s “best.” “I have tried reaching out to what few suitable Catholic men my age I’ve come across” doesn’t sound to me like you are truly pursuing a Godly marriage with a Christian man. Just that you know what God wants you to do, but you really just want to do what you want to do. It sounds like you’ve already made up your mind, and you just want someone to tell you what you want to hear. (Sorry if that sounds blunt!)
Yes, it is possible he could convert down the road, but you don’t want to put yourself in a position where you’re always hoping he’ll change. You don’t want that.
I’m glad you enjoyed the article, and I really hope you’ll take some time to honestly ask yourself how committed you are to Christianity, as well as where your true priorities really are. No one has perfect motives, so I’m not judging you. But it’s something you really need to be aware of and decide for yourself, with eyes wide open to what you’re getting yourself into.
Hi Brittany,
Thanks for your prompt and truthful reply.
The truth is a bitter pill for many to swallow, but without medicine, how can we really get better?
I will look into this. This has been very hard for me and I have been tempted to give up. I believe I am called to the vocation of marriage & family, but if I am unable to find a suitable help mate, perhaps remaining single may be my cross to bear. All Christians have one.
I will look into this, as I’d like to think serving the Lord is my priority.
Thanks again
I really wish you to find internal peace within yourself and then you will be in a better position to decide. Once you are happy with yourself and get yourself to be your best friend and keep your values strong, then, you will radiate so much that everybody will have so much pleasure to stay close to you. Also in today’s generations 28 is still a young age. Remember, Christian relationships may end up in marriage in a short time so you do not have to be worried about your biological clock although I understand your concerns.
Please, do never lose joy and hope in God!
My advice, is you keep your values strong and do not negotiate them. There is a risk if your current bf becomes your husband and father of your child, that, when you are most vulnerable in those few first years as a mother, he does not help you out with taking you to church for example. Then, he might also want to get rest on Sundays and spend time with his family rather than having his wife and children go to church while he would be left home, maybe with expectations for him to clean up, or do any type of housework (with kids around things add up and there will always be housework to do). It could become even worse and father responsibilities tiring him out, which might get him to oppose church completely and do whatever he can so as for you to be not comfortable anymore to go to church, and in this way attacking your integrity.
The ways of God are infinite. Do you have a good pastor or spiritual father you could address your concerns with? It is so much better to talk directly to someone who knows you. If you focus on practicing your faith more and more, and pray and pray, God will send your way the most suitable person. Also there all these summer camps, or projects when you get together with others and plenty of opportunities to meet so many people. Warning though: Do not assume anyone you will meet there will be a fervent Christian.
Also remember, this “in love” experience that all dating couples develop, although it seems spontaneous and is the most publicized feeling in the medias of today, it is not eternal! It will in average last 2 years (psychology research) and then, it will simply become a matter of choice whether to love a person or not. So rather than risk losing your integrity as a believer (which most likely will afflict your integrity as a person as the two things are intertwined) to just pursue something that appears as reality but instead will soon get to an end, why not keeping strong to your values and asking for God’s guidance in this difficult situation.
I will be praying for you Marie!
I’ll come back and write more later but for now, I want to share with you something I learned while going through intense Bible Training in 2005.. we were taught if we take care of God’s Family then He’l take care of ours.
I cling to this prayer many times when my husband thinks I’m spending too much time at church or other church functions.
After all I am the Administrator at my church. I love this “job”, it doesn’t feel like a job to me!
He wants me to have this job but it’s 45 minutes 1 way so I spend extra time on the road. And some of the work I do from my home office.
But he basically drew a line in the sand when we finally started the church, we’ve been working on this church plant 2 years, he told me he would never go. (Period)!
We’ve been married 32 1/2 years. He was diagnosed with Bipolar in 2013, many things have changed in the last 5 years, God is in control! I spend lots of time in prayer!
My husband tells others he loves that I raised our daughter in the church and he loves the strength of my beliefs but no one hears or sees behind closed doors, our daughter who is 23 now, told me 2 years ago that I need to leave. She is working on her Masters degree in psychology.
I’m still here but it’s tough, I believe in my marriage vows!
Well I guess I don’t have to return to write more even though there is so much more.
I try to remember God loves him no matter what and I should too.
hi
i was not a christian when i got married but i grew up in a christian family. i drunk alot during my early years of marriage to escape the hurt and pain i was going through due to neglect by my husband. i got born again in 2003 but didnt grow in any way i still kept up with my bas habits to keep my husband happy and always did things to please him. i realized that it was not right and changed last year albeit having a drink with him on occasion to have some time together but it still did not work because he is an adulterer, he drinks, cheats, he doesnt like having sex with me, i feel like i have to beg every time or complain for intimacy. he has sex dreams while he sleeps moans and groans and i know that is not because of me. its disheartening and he gets mean and nasty to me and the children and only is good when he wants favours from me e.g he needs money, wants me to type and print something. he would refuse to give my children fare for transport but send his women friends airtime for the phone, sponsor their birthdays, buy them drinks etc.
early this year he tried seducing my help and i threw him out and he came back after apologising and saying he will change but two months down the line he is back to his selfish ways going out, always chatting on his phone, drinking, now he is attacking me spiritually and doesnt want me to read my bible, go for fellowship, but he is okay with us going to church whereby he uses his phone during service to read mails and whatsapp messages. i am sad, i dont trust him, i feel lonely and used. his neglect physically is trying and tiring.
i am struggling with praying and i read my bible when he isnt around or has slept or at my place of work.
sometimes i feel like giving up then i remember there is no one else but God to turn to and that i shouldnt give up. i was reading about unequally yoked spouses and some of those stories and me. what should i do?
I’m so sorry to hear that. That must be so heartbreaking. In your case, honestly, I’d recommend a different article instead 🙁 https://equippinggodlywomen.com/marriage/is-divorce-ever-okay/
I grew up in a Christian home but during my dating years God just wasn’t a priority in my life. During that time I met my husband. He agreed to get married in a Christian church and he allows me to go to church as well and sometimes he comes along. However, he drink every weekend, and sometimes he takes it too far and gets drunk. He either does this at home or with his family, as they are all unbelievers. Last night he went out with his family and didn’t get home until about 2 am. I was at home with the baby as i refuse to go anywhere with him when he is going to drink.
I stumbled upon this thread while looking for some advice. I feel like I’m being a doormat by being nice or cordial with him after he drank and stayed out all night.
As a Christian woman do I have to forgive him (even though hes not sorry) and be nice to him as if nothing happened??? Do I just have to accept his drinking habit???
Also, Do I have to join him and drive him home when he drinks? Or can I stick to what I’m doing okay now, and refuse it go with him to his family get togethers when he drinks???
That’s a tricky question to answer… Yes, you do have to forgive him BUT forgiving someone doesn’t mean that you act like nothing ever happened and just let them walk all over you either. If he’s putting you or your family in danger, you do have the right to stick up for yourself, BUT if it’s just highly annoying and it isn’t actually hurting you or anyone else, then ultimately he’s a grown man entitled to make his own decisions even if you don’t agree with them.
Ultimately, Christians have very differing views on drinking. There are many, many Christians who see nothing wrong with staying out late drinking, while others would never allow it. You kind of have to decide as a family where your personal boundaries will be and how you’ll respond.
I have a few articles that might help…
https://equippinggodlywomen.com/faith/should-christians-drink/
https://equippinggodlywomen.com/marriage/husband-makes-decisions-you-dont-agree-with/
https://equippinggodlywomen.com/marriage/you-are-not-your-husbands-holy-spirit/
This was an interesting read. The one thing that I’d say, as an atheist speaking here, is that you say it’s our choices a lot in the article. I believe that I understand your context but it could be taken as saying that people choose their beliefs which is probably not what you’d want to convey. Cheers!
Hi, Evan! Thanks for visiting 🙂 Actually, I’m totally fine with conveying that messages. Our beliefs ARE our choice. We have free will. God doesn’t force us to believe either way. Instead, He provides us with just enough evidence so that if we choose to believe, we can. But if we choose to reject Him, we have that option too.
Now of course, practically speaking, people are often going to stick with the beliefs they’ve been raised with, but you certainly don’t have to. For example, I grew up in one denomination of Christianity (Baptist) that I realized after further research simply wasn’t true. Now, I’m researching another (Catholicism), but I’m not committing until I’ve found really solid, logical, factual reason to convert.
Personally, I love that God doesn’t force us to believe, or require us to just go on what “feels good.” We really do have proofs we can research to find out more about God and what’s true. I share more on that here, if you’re interested: Christianity: Fact or Fiction. Worth looking into at least, right? 🙂
Brittany, thanks for your reply. While the subject of free will is a much larger topic than a comment thread would support, I think our concepts of choosing beliefs are not the same. To me, your perspective is that we can choose our actions that are centered around our beliefs. However is that really the same thing as choosing what you believe? I’m saying that people either believe something or don’t. You can continue to reevaluate the reasons for the beliefs you hold but can you just, one day, say “I believe X” and that actually be true? I understand that this is very philosophical and greater minds than me are continuing to tackle the subject of belief and free will but both subjects are not as black/white as many like to think.
No, I really do believe that people can choose to believe what they want. Sure, it may not be an easy choice — you probably can’t just wake up one day and say “I choose to believe xyz!” But every day we are presented with opportunities that could easily be explained either way. And while we probably don’t just suddenly change our beliefs, we can choose to be open or closed to various explanations, and to research or not research different things.
For example, in “The Case for Christ” (a great book, by the way), the author tells about his daughter being so sick and him praying to God to make her better (even though he was an atheist at the time, he was desperate). Well, the daughter did get better. And in that minute, he had the choice to believe God answered his prayers or it was just a coincidence.
In my opinion (for what it’s worth), God doesn’t usually come down in all blazing glory in a way that’s undeniable. Instead, He gives us hundreds of little opportunities that could be explained either way. So if we want to believe, the evidence is there for anyone willing to check it out. But if you’d rather not, then God isn’t going to force you to believe.
And of course I don’t JUST mean evidence like things that really could just be coincidences (personally, I think a lot of things ARE just coincidences…), but I do think we have a choice of what we pursue and what we engage with, and that often leads to a change in perspective and belief.
Does that make sense?
I absolutely have no problem with what ppl believe in, it’s their choice. However, I have a question. How can you choose to not believe in something that you believe doesn’t exist in the first place? This is something I’ve been wondering that’s all. Have a great day!
i think it is important to remember that even those of us who are not in unequally yoked marriages have many disagreements…often. we have to be honest with each other. we have to compromise. i say this because i sometimes find that women in this situation sometimes assume that our marriages are carefree. it isn’t the case. we all have our areas of brokenness. GOD will give you the grace you need to grow in your situation just as He does for us in our situations. That passage in I Peter is very powerful and is true for all of us. we all need to learn to live out our faith and talk less! just sayin’. some of my favorite godly woman friends are those who have been in unequal marriages. one in particular is married to a very difficult man. they were both non christians when they married. they have one son who has grown up to be a very godly man. her husband knows he doesn’t have faith but wanted it for his son. he was influenced by godly men in his churches, went to christian schools and is a godly leader in his home. GOD isn’t limited by difficult marriages. He uses them to grow us to be more like HIm.
Very true! Unequally yoked marriages just happens to be the topic of THIS article. I have another article on the topic of disagreements in Christian marriages here: https://equippinggodlywomen.com/marriage/husband-makes-decisions-you-dont-agree-with/ 🙂
I too suffer from an unequally yoked marriage. I grew up in the church so the foundation has always been there for me. My now wife of ten yrs only started going when we started dating many yrs ago. We’ve rebounded from some dark moments which involved me being tempted by another woman who took advantage of my circumstances. Im in no way saying I wasn’t to blame also in this area of sin. I learned a lot about myself through this and have continued to grow in Christ! The problem is internally on a spiritual level I feel no connection whatsoever to my wife. So much so, to the point I often feel like she’s not needed. Meaning outside of material things ie grocery shopping and cooking, which I can do on my own if I wanted to. I don’t feel she completes me in any way. I feel like she’s only going through the motions when it comes to church. I feel she’s completely happy with only going so far in Christ, but internally I’m ready to explode for Christ. Intamacy sometimes feels like I’ve done something wrong because I never experience that heavenly unity. It’s like I’m going through the motions because I have to I guess. I’ve tried to explain how I feel for years in many different ways but she always makes it out like I’m telling her she’s never going to be good enough. All the while, I just want her to understand internally we’re just not connected. I really don’t think she cares as long as she’s getting her everyday needs met in any area. I’m not saying I’m perfect but I do try to follow my instructions as a husband. I feel internally enslaved because I think she knows the game she’s playing. She recently asked about renewing our vows and I am not on board with it. She even asked me to pray about it! I’m not sure married couples should have to pray about renewing their vows, do they!? I thought it was a no brainer for those happily married. This leads me to believe she knows I’m not happy but still insists on renewing our vows. Knowing the things I know now as I’ve grown I would not marry her again or go through the motions of doing so. My prayer and desire is to be with a wife who is on fire for Christ and has no problem or hesitation to ride with me to the promise Land with Christ. Getting married was never on my list of things to do but God placed me here and I’m all in until the end. I just want someone to be there with me. Not someone who is just riding out the gravy train for personal happiness at my expense.
Honestly, from just what you’ve written here, I have to take your wife’s side on this. Yes, I know it stinks that your wife isn’t as “on fire” as you, however, God does not give us perfect spouses. He gives us spouses who test our patience and try us and help us grow through our interactions with them. Yes, you are a Christian and you should want to grow in faith, BUT it is also your duty as a husband to love your wife, and it doesn’t sound like you are really doing that. You say you’re not happy, that you don’t need her… well, marriage is hard work. That doesn’t mean you call it quits, resort to just going through the motions or go after someone better. It means it’s your job as the husband to pursue your wife, romance her, date her, and fall in love with her all over again.
Marriage is supposed to be a picture of Christ and the church. Jesus didn’t wait until we were “good enough” or “on fire enough.” He loved us in our sin and brokenness FIRST, and then out of that, he heals us and redeems us and restores us. Just as we are.
I hope this isn’t coming across as too harsh, but hopefully a good wake-up call. Honestly, my best advice to you is to go LOVE your wife. Just as she is. Love her. Cherish her. Honor her. Serve her. (All of which are great ways to grow in faith, by the way.)
As the non-Catholic wife of a wonderful Catholic man, I can tell you that reading books and going to church is nice and all, but it’s been the day-to-day example my husband has faithfully walked out every day that has taught me the most about God and His love for us. I can understand and love God SO much more now because I have a real-life example living with me at home. He’s not perfect, but he doesn’t expect me to be either. He truly LOVES me, I know it, I can feel it, I can trust it — and that helps me feel all of those things toward God as well.
You can be those things to your wife as well. In fact, you are called to. And that’s both a great honor and a big responsibility. Are you up for it?
Hi Brittany and thank you so much for your response! I would first like to apologise for my choice of wording in my previous post. That just goes to show how critical words can be. The last thing I wanted to convey is that I don’t love my wife for who she is and that I need a new one. I’ve know my wife for 20 years and we have 3 BEAUTIFUL children that I also love dearly. Jesus dying on the cross for my sins requires me not only to love my wife but everyone including my enimies. So yes, I love and treat my wife with the utmost respect. I’m literally a second mom and those that know me wish me Happy Mother’s day when it rolls around. I’m very involved and my wife can 100 percent count on me.
To simplify my situation, I chose my wife. God did not choose my wife. There are extreme differences in the two. We’re all imperfect human beings which is why we need and depend on our Lord and Savior daily. So to expect a perfect mate in this life would be unrealistic. You are completely correct when you say marriage should be a resemblance of Christ. This is more evident when God chooses your mate. God is perfect in every way and will only place you with someone who meets and grows your inner spiritual needs. This Godly connection should be evident before marriage, then solidified with marriage. When God puts two together I don’t see how anything can be challenging because you both understand and lean on Christ that joined you together. However, if you choose your mate you void that benefit. Now of course there’s miracles of faith that shouldn’t go unnoticed here. Now if you can look in the mirror and honestly say God sent you your mate, which it sounds as though he has, then that’s great and I pray many blessings for you and yours for many years to come!
But because I chose my mate my inner spiritual needs are neglected in my marriage. My reaility after 20 years of knowing my wife is that she cannot meet those needs. I still love her as though she can because I know that I should. Thanks and God bless!
Perhaps she can’t meet all of your needs — but who says she was meant to? That seems like an awfully big weight to put on her. In the very least, it’s a good reason for you to learn to rely on God even more (which is a good thing!) Are you involved in any men’s groups at your church or in your area? Your wife isn’t meant to be your leader anyways, so your faith really shouldn’t be dependent on her (although of course a Godly wife does help, you aren’t out of luck without one!)
And furthermore, what if God DID give you to her to show her what God is like? To show that Christianity isn’t the misconceptions she believes, but that it can be so much more? To reach her in ways that no one else could? He could have given her an atheist husband. Instead, he gave her a loving Christian husband who wants to do the right thing. Even if your marriage wasn’t His first choice, the Bible says God works ALL things out for the good of those who love him. Including your marriage — but only if you play on His terms.
It just seems like you believe she is holding you back or hindering you from growing in faith, when it seems like this exact situation could also be the very thing that draws you deeper in faith, if you would focus more on Jesus and how he provides, rather than how your wife is seemingly lacking…. Just a thought 🙂
I have a hard time settling with the idea of God giving you a mate who doesn’t meet all of your needs. Why be married in the first place? I do feel that a husband and wife should be able to meet up as one in Christ and I do not feel that exchange internally, so no I don’t feel I’m asking too much in exchange for the rest of my life. I’m not saying you’re wrong either. However, God is perfect in every way. God’s love renews each day when married, which enables couples to extend their marriages until the end. Without him it doesn’t last. The wife is to be the help only, so I absolutely do not expect her to be the head because that’s not her job. And yes my journey thus far has only trained me to rely solely on him and he’s been extremely good to me and definitely our children. So I’m extremely grateful to say the least.
I do agree with my wife being in my life for a reason. I believe that with regards to anyone you cross paths with in life.
She did not attend church until we started dating, so yes what you suggest here is possible. I also DO NOT EVER investigate my wife’s relationship with God because it’s none of my business. Personal events in MY life has caused me to seek him more which put me in this moment. The more I personally grow in him the more I desire to be able to share it with my wife. That’s really all I want. I’m not looking to change anyone, that’s God’s job. I feel like that’s what marriage is all about. I don’t really want to convey the message that my wife is holding me back because I feel God’s will and plan for our lives is more powerful than you and I. But, I do feel if God came to us and said, “Come, go with me”. Sadly I believe my wife would have to think about it or find excuses. Twenty years of speak verses actual action has led me to this conclusion. I will continue to seek his face for the answers, but in the end I ONLY want what he has for me because he knows me better than I know myself. Yes I have also been apart of small groups that our church offers and I’ve been on mens retreats.
Hi, I am in a similar circumstance as Jon, except I don’t believe my wife really knows God at all. It’s a bit murky. Thanks so much for this page. I wish I could meet some of you and discuss. I wish there was a group of this sort somewhere so that I could talk with others in person. It is an extremely difficult thing to deal with, and it’s not a path I chose,
I am in an unequally yoked marriage. We have one 2 year old son together. I went through a very rough time of postpartum depression without medication, I am better now, and take my medication everyday. Just as things seemed to be getting better my husband told me he was not in love with me anymore and left two weeks ago. Since then we have talked, but the mutual respect is not there. I have read 1 Cor 7:10-16 many times, and I am still researching. He claims he was saved about three years ago now, but he has never publicly professed this. He has no desire to come to church, but he doesn’t keep me or our son from attending. Although he is very controlling in other ways, such as, money, and demanding of time (he wants time alone, needs nap time, things of this nature). I know through scripture I should not feel guilty for I am now free, but he now wants to try and reconcile, although he has no biblical desires. I’m at a loss. I’m confused, I want to stay biblical, but I also want to do what is best for my son.
What a tough situation! And you’re right, except there’s one small detail I think you may be overlooking. By “reconcile” — that should include actually being repentant for sin in his life, wanting to make things right, etc. If all he actually wants is just to stay married but not walk the Christian lifestyle, then I don’t know that you’re still bound by that. Obviously I don’t know your situation and I don’t want to give you advice either way without really knowing you both, but my initial thought is that he isn’t actually repentant. He’s still walking away. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this!
Also — I have this article as well that may help more: https://equippinggodlywomen.com/marriage/is-divorce-ever-okay/