Not sure how to deal with toxic family members Biblically? Don’t let them slowly drive you insane. Here’s what the Bible says about cutting people out of your life.
Are you struggling to figure out how to deal with toxic family members Biblically?
Maybe you’ve been wondering, “What does the Bible say about cutting people out of your life?” and now you’re looking up Bible verses about toxic family or Bible verses about toxic relationships in general.
Maybe you aren’t even sure if you are dealing with toxic family members or if your family is simply annoying.
You know you want to be a good Christian and do the right thing, but it seems like no matter how much you love, forgive and turn the other cheek, the mistreatment never stops — only gets worse.
The situation is completely unhealthy, everyone involved is miserable, and nothing is working, no matter how much you try.
You want to be kind, but they’re driving you crazy, and you’re not sure what to do.
So now you’re wondering, “What does the Bible say about dealing with toxic relationships?”
The good news is, if you have toxic people in your life or you are in a toxic relationship, you are not alone!
In fact, I had a sweet reader ask me how to deal with toxic family members Biblically not that long ago, and I thought you might benefit from hearing my answer to her as well.
After all, as Christians, we don’t just want to go off on our loved ones or respond in anger and hurt. You don’t want to start cutting people out of your life or cut ties with toxic family members or friends for no reason.
We want to know how to deal with toxic family members Biblically so we can use these Bible’s wisdom to guide our actions.
So with that in mind, here’s my best advice on how to respond to toxic family members Biblically. I hope it helps.
Side note — The BEST resource I’ve found for figuring out how to deal with toxic family members Biblically is the book “Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
In this very popular New York Times bestseller, Drs. Cloud and Townsend offer a TON of great Biblical insight on what behaviors are appropriate and not, how to set Biblical boundaries with family, and how to stick up for yourself without being a jerk OR a pushover in the process.
If you ever wonder, “How do I set limits and still be a loving person?” “Where should those limits be?” or “How can I learn to say no without feeling so guilty,” this book will absolutely help. I’ve recommended it to quite a few people now, and I know you’ll really enjoy it and benefit from it too.
*This post contains affiliate links, which means if you make a purchase after clicking through one of my links, I may make a small commission at no additional cost to you. This helps cover the many costs of running this site and allows me to help provide for my growing family. Thank you!
Reader Question: How Do I Deal With Toxic Family Members Biblically?
My relationship with my family isn’t a healthy one. Both my parents and my siblings clearly favor my sister and her kids over me and mine, and it hurts me and my kids the way this favoritism is displayed.
For example, they don’t visit me unless they need favors and they brush my concerns aside when I try to share how their actions make me feel. My feelings are minimized, dismissed and discarded. It’s hurtful.
Even my kids are aware of this blatant favoritism. They ask questions about why their cousins get more attention, etc, and it breaks my heart.
I want to remain respectful to my parents and siblings, yet this has been happening for over five years now with no signs of remorse, and I don’t know how to make them understand how hurtful their actions are to me and my children.
How can I handle this without going against God’s words or teachings? What does the Bible say about cutting people out of your life?
First of all, I’m sorry you are dealing with this.
BUT I do think it’s great that you’re asking, “What does the Bible say about toxic family members?” rather than just lashing out in response to your hurt feelings.
In this post, I’m going to share my best step-by-step advice for learning how to deal with toxic family members Biblically.
But before we get there, let’s start by identifying the signs of a toxic relationship.
Related: How to set Biblical Boundaries as a Christian
Signs of a Toxic Relationship
You may be wondering, “Am I in a toxic relationship with my family?” Or, “Is my sister a toxic person?”
Let’s turn to the Bible for an answer.
The Bible describes what love is supposed to look like in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. It says:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
Now, if we take the opposite of 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, what do we see?
We see several signs of a toxic person or signs of a toxic relationship:
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- Lacks patience
- Is verbally and/or physically abusive
- Acts jealous over every little thing
- Boasts excessively
- Is excessively prideful
- Dishonors others
- Is self-seeking
- Reminds others of past mistakes
- Delights in your pain or suffering
- Neglects or refuses to protect or defend you
- Refuses to trust
- Lacks hope
- Gives up easily
If your friends and family members are simply annoying, it’s probably best to give them grace and try to overlook their faults, if speaking with them doesn’t help.
If you read these signs of a toxic relationships, however, and thought, “Yep. I definitely have toxic family members,” then this article on how to deal with toxic family members Biblically is definitely for you.
What Does The Bible Say About Toxic Family Members?
So now that we’ve identified the signs of a toxic relationship, what should we do about it? Do we have to “play nice” because they’re family, or is cutting people out of your life ever okay? What does the Bible say about cutting ties with family?
Let’s take a look.
As Christians, many of us are aware of these Bible verses:
“But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.” — Luke 6:27-31
And yes, we absolutely should love our enemies. But I think sometimes we forget what love really means.
Loving someone well does not mean always playing “nice,” always being the peacemaker, or just letting other people walk all over you. This isn’t love–it’s called enabling.
A better definition of love would be: honoring the true dignity of another person, acknowledging their inherent worth as human beings, created and loved by God, and doing everything in your power to do good for them and to act in their best interest.
Yes, it absolutely can include being “kind” (see 1 Cor. 13:4 again), but it’s so much more than that. And in fact, if you really examine the way Jesus behaves in the Gospels, his actions aren’t always what we consider “nice.”
When a Canaanite woman asks Jesus for his help in Matthew 15:26, “He replied, ‘It is not right to take the children’s bread and toss it to the dogs.'”
Jesus tells the Pharisees, “You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of” in Matthew 12:34.
And let’s not forget how “Jesus entered the temple courts and drove out all who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves” in Matthew 21:12.
Now, I wouldn’t actually recommend you calling your in-laws dogs or vipers or flipping their tables! My point here is ONLY that the Bible does not teach us that we need to be super polite, calm and passive to the point of being walked over and enabling others in their sins.
In fact, Jesus instructs the apostles to “leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet” in Matthew 10:14 and to “treat [unrepentant sinners] as you would a pagan or a tax collector” in Matthew 18:17.
Jesus’s plan for our lives isn’t to make us “nice.” It’s to make us (and our loved ones) holy. Sometimes that means treating others kindly. But other times that means protecting ourselves and our families instead of protecting the feelings of others who insist on pursuing sinful attitudes or behaviors.
See also: Yes, Christians Should Judge
How to Deal With Toxic Family Members Biblically
So since the Bible doesn’t teach us to be passive doormats, how should we deal with toxic family members Biblically?
Here’s what I would advise:
1. Assess the Situation Honestly
Toxic family members are annoying. So it only makes sense that you might get worked up when your friends and family members start showing the signs of a toxic person or you start noticing the many signs of a toxic relationship.
Before you get too worked up, though, take a step back and assess the situation honestly:
- Is the other person actually toxic, or simply annoying, thoughtless, etc?
- Is the problem serious enough to warrant action, or can you simply overlook it for the sake of family unity?
- Are you sure the other person’s actions are intentional, not simply perceived?
- What type of effect is the behavior having on you and your family?
- What have you done to remedy the situation in the past, if anything?
- Have you actually told the other person how you are feeling, and what you’d like to change?
- Are things getting better, staying the same, or getting worse?
In the best-case scenario: you may realize that the other party truly didn’t mean to hurt you and that they were unaware that their behavior was coming across so hurtful. If this is the case, then you may simply need to have a conversation.
Alternately, if the behavior is purposeful but small enough in nature, you may simply be able to ignore it or avoid the situation when possible. Life isn’t perfect and people are annoying, and sometimes we just have to deal with annoying people.
Yes, there are absolutely times when you may need to take action (there are times when cutting people out of your life is the right choice to make), but let’s not jump there quite yet.
Can the behavior simply be resolved or overlooked? If so (and the situation isn’t serious), then start here.
2. Accept Responsibility for Any Wrongdoing on Your Part
Next, let’s take a minute to look at yourself and any part you may have played in the issue: Have you done anything to make the situation worse? Or failed to do something to make the situation better?
While the situation may not be ultimately “your fault” (especially in cases of outright abuse), once we reach adulthood, each of us is responsible for and accountable for our own actions.
And this is good news! Because it means that you have the power and ability to choose different actions, and to improve your situation.
It’s time to get honest with yourself.
- Have you said or done anything hurtful to the other person? (even unintentionally!)
- Have you ever failed to treat them as kindly or as respectfully as you should have?
- Have you ever been selfish, self-centered or mean-spirited?
Again, I’m not saying the mistreatment is your fault. But if you have done (or continue to do) things that hurt the other party, they may be acting out of that hurt. And a heartfelt apology for any wrongdoings on your part may be just what the other person needs to heal.
You aren’t responsible for them, but you are responsible and accountable for YOU — no matter what they’ve done to “deserve it.”
3. Set Healthy, Biblical Boundaries With Family
Next, once you’ve gotten honest about the situation and the role you may have played in it, it’s time to set some Biblical boundaries with family members and friends who may need them.
What behaviors will you accept? Which behaviors will you not accept? Where is the boundary?
And, again, this is where the book “Boundaries” comes in really helpful!
When you are dealing with people and situations who are truly toxic, manipulative, crazy or even abusive, it can really make you question your sanity and your decision making! You want to do the right thing, but you may question what the right thing is or what requests are reasonable. It can be hard to tell.
That’s where Boundaries does a great job of laying out a Biblical framework to help you understand what truly is your responsibility, what requests are unreasonable, where you should draw the line, and how you can do so without guilt.
You can find Boundaries at your local library or on Amazon here.
Here’s the advice I gave the reader above:
Personally, I would explain, incredibly politely, that while you love them, you cannot allow them to continue to hurt you and your children in this way.
(If you even want to explain at all. I mean, you’ve had this conversation several times now. I don’t know if it is necessary to say anything else.)
I would be careful to be as unemotional, straightforward and polite as possible, to avoid saying anything that could be taken as accusatory, and to just speak out of your concern for the children.
For example, “We’ve spoken with you several times about how we feel as though you favor the other family over us. This has really hurt us and our family, as we want to have a relationship with you too, but it never seems to happen. Unfortunately, I cannot allow my children to have their hopes up and be so disappointed every time. For this reason, we will not be spending as much time with you” etc etc in your own words.
Then, if they call, you’re busy or cannot help them out at this time.
(Which is true–you are busy… doing anything else other than being mistreated by toxic family members… even if that’s just washing the dishes or playing with the kids. That counts as busy.)
So what do healthy, biblical boundaries with family look like for you?
Do you need to limit visits or restrict your visits to a certain format? (For example, maybe you are happy to call on the phone, but you can no longer visit in person.)
Do you need to set the boundary that you can only visit X times a year, that you can only give X dollars a month, or that you will only continue to be around them only as long as the conversation remains healthy and polite.
Seek wise counsel from friends and family you trust to make sure your boundaries are reasonable, let the other party know what your boundaries are, and then stick to them.
There’s no need to feel guilty. The Bible encourages you to set Biblical boundaries with family where necessary.
(And if you still feel guilty, read the Boundaries book. It will help you figure out how to deal with toxic family members Biblically without feeling so guilty about it!)
4. Stick to Your Boundaries!
Once you’ve set your boundaries and told your friends and family members where they are — this is the hard part. You have to stick to the boundaries you’ve set!
I know, learning how to deal with toxic family members Biblically isn’t easy… It takes time and practice, and you won’t get it all right the first time, but stick with it.
Because if you’re continually “bending the rules,” your family will just learn that your “rules” aren’t really rules at all.
Seek Godly counsel, determine (through prayer) where your boundaries should be, and then stick to them!
5. Pray!
Sometimes the most loving thing you can do in a relationship is simply to pray for the other person.
This is why God commands us, “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you” in Luke 6:27-28.
Pray that God would heal their hurt, that he would open their eyes to their behavior, and that your relationship could be restored.
Pray that God would help you love your toxic family members more, and that He would give you wisdom to deal with them wisely.
God will help you learn how to respond to toxic family members — you just have to ask!
6. Forgive
Now, I know you may feel very angry or resentful towards the toxic family members and friends who have hurt you and ruined your relationships, but the Bible is clear: We have to forgive, even when we don’t feel like it.
We see this in Mark 11:25, which says, “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”
Please understand, though: Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that what they did is okay or that they shouldn’t receive any consequences for their action.
You can still set Biblical boundaries and turn an abuser in to the authorities if needed.
But we have a responsibility to forgive others (even and especially our enemies) if we want God to forgive us as well.
Related Reading: Four Things Every Christian Needs to Know About Forgiveness
7. Close the Door
So far in this article, I’ve tried to help you answer the following questions:
- Am I in a toxic relationship?
- What are the signs of a toxic person / signs of a toxic relationship?
- What does the Bible say about toxic family members / how to deal with toxic family members Biblically?
If you have done all of the above to the best of your ability, then it may be time for you to ask the last question: “What does the Bible say about cutting ties with family / cutting people out of your life?”
The truth is: While it would be awesome if we could all get along, the truth is that we do have free will, and some people choose to use theirs in a way that interferes with God’s best for our lives.
And when this happens, we don’t have to stay stuck in toxic, abusive relationships.
God walks away from stubborn, sinful people at times (Romans 1:24-28). Jesus had times where he walked away (Matthew 12:34). And we have the Biblical right to walk away too.
God opens doors, but we often forget that he closes them, too.
Sometimes, as unfortunate as it is, when there is nothing more we can do, we need to just step back and let GOD deal with it in a way that only He can. And that’s okay.
Have you ever had to deal with toxic family members Biblically (or friends)? What helpful advice would you offer to our anonymous reader on how to deal with toxic family members Biblically?
If you are really struggling with how to deal with toxic family members Biblically, I can’t stress enough how amazing “Boundaries” will be for you. Please give it a shot. I know you’ll love it. It will help you answer questions like, “Am I in a toxic relationship?” And it truly will help you learn how to deal with toxic family members Biblically.
Alternately, if you’re at the point of cutting people out of your life Biblically, you may want to check out this book: When To Walk Away: Finding Freedom from Toxic People.
Coming from the other side as I have been told….
I used to have a huge rift between my mother and I. The book that helped me was
James MacDonald 7 Words to Change Your Family. It too talks about Honoring your parents as adults…. to a point where it can really make you not like what you are reading! It took me many times to read and reread that one chapter and a ton of prayer and asking forgiveness. With that, I did some of the things of what was suggested and over time, forgiveness and the actions of love came back! One question is….. how much time are YOU investing as much as the other sibling???? Can your parents call on you and know you would be there if they needed you? My mom and I just had this conversation….. she loves ALL her 4 children EQUALLY but DIFFERENTLY. And that is just something that one just has to accept. It’s truthfull and yet sincere. I live 2 hours away from my parents and have a closer relationship with them because I make that trip at least 2 times a month on the weekends…… and my other 2 closer siblings are at the most are a 30 min drive away. The other one is 7 min drive away.
I invest my time, my children, and create memories. And that book of James MacDonald, along with the power of Prayer and continuous forgiveness made that possible. Avoidance is not encouraged in my opinion. That just makes things worse and doesnt work towards what the ultimate goals I heard wanted. If you have read this far, I think you are really wanting change, and would hands down recommend 7 Words to Change Your Family. Good luck and God Bless
My mother and I have had a poor relationship all of my life. Unfortunatley, unlike the reader who asked for advice, I don’t have any longing to be in relationship with her. In fact, if I rarely saw her, that would be fine. Unfortunately, God does not see it this way. Through a series of events, she has been living with me for the past 5 monts and it has been excruciating for me. I try to come up with conversation but it sounds so shallow and contrived. I get irritated with her very easily and often am rude. I have asked God for forgiveness and grace and help from the Holy Spirit do treat her better but it has been hard. I can pray for her well being and I have nothing but well wishes, I just have no desire to be around her. Does this book address anything similar?
Wow, your situation with your mother and your feelings mirror mine, with the exception of living with me. Oh how I can relate! To me, it is an extremely sad situation when it reaches this point … truly wanting and praying for her well-being, yet no desire to have a relationship. For me, however, my one sibling and his family, as well as my adult daughter and her family, and my father who has been divorced from my mother for 40 years, all live in the same town. So when there are family celebrations and holidays, the lot of us prefer that it be an all-inclusive invitation. So, on the rare occasion when my mother feels she’ll try to stomach my father and joins the family, I am in her company. I remain polite and cordial and avoid being alone with her. It is very awkward and uncomfortable to say the least. Like yours, my mother’s and my relationship has been poor all of my life, since I was 6 months old and had colic. She sees absolutely nothing, not one iota, of anything for which she bears responsibility. I don’t think I’ve ever met any person quite like this.
God bless.
Wow , Your story sounds so much like mine with my mother, she is very toxic and always has been, not only to me but all of my family, she asked different to strangers when she first meets them, she is claims to be a Christian, but sometimes 90% of the time she Is hateful, rude and bossy I just can’t explain but I’m trying to figure out what to do I am tired of being treated the way she treats me, I am not going to be around her fo is hateful, rude and bossy I just can’t explain but I’m trying to figure out what to do I am tired of being treated the way she treats me, something else happened at Christmas this year 2018, I’ve decided to cut her out of my life, , For good, I am so tired of being treated this way, and then she acts like it never happens when she wants to talk to me. Good luck God bless
Sounds like my mother, she Is bipolar and extremely toxic. She has done more harm to me than anyone. She claims to be a Christian and will use bible quotes, but twists them. Her god is money, when I was younger she used to pray evil things upon me. She acts extremely hipper and can leave nasty messages on my answering machine. She uses people, food banks and homeless donations for herself or to sell them to make money. I believe she is a demon posing to be a Christian. She associates her self with people with mental illness or addiction, saying she is trying to help them, but in reality she is using them for her beneifits. I tried to have a realationship with her but it always ends with her bashing me and bringing up stuff I did as a teenager. Her siblings cut her off, my father divorced her after 40 years and my sibling also cut her off now too. She fights with all her neighbors and she believes she is always right. I’m done with her, and left everything in Jesus hands.
I have the exact circumstances as you it’s definitely not easy or the norm however it is Gods way of keeping our hearts pure before hun & teaches us to worry about our own wellbeing so to not go down the same path very sad but fingers crossed that suffering will pay off
Seeing the stories here, it reminds me how many decades I wasted allowing myself to be guilted into letting toxic people stay in my life far too long. It enables abusers to keep on abusing, when you do this so please stop. We do them no favors when we endure unending mistreatment. And our hearts are NOT purified at all. There is a book called “When Pleasing You Is Killing Me ” by Les Carter.
I’m not one to comment on stuff like this. However, I came to this link searching to feel like someone else felt what I felt, when it came to my mom. I get small sweet texts out of the blue, and when I do t respond the way she wants, or don’t respond within minutes she tries calling, and then blows up my phone in rant texts about how I have a hateful heart. I have yet to do much that I felt like was hateful toward her. This is an example of a toxic situation. I want her to be happy. I have tried going months without talking, a few years ago. I eventually let her back in, just to burn me financially and emotionally. Her latest claim is that my husband must be the cause of our broke relationship. For anyone else goin through a similar situation, I am praying for you, but if you are at the beginning of your journey with a toxic family member, I want to tell you. This will make you so strong. You will not even recognize the passive self you were to let this person walk all over you.
After praying to God for 15 years for an explanation as to why mom is so toxic, He revealed to me – a year before her death – that she had narcissistic personality disorder. During all those years, I never visited her due to a lifetime of abuse and slander, and finally an incident in which she truly behaved like a demon-possesed person. I was traumatised for months. Anyhow, eventually I realised that if I stay away, that sin won’t happen again or trigger sinful responses in me. I continued to pray for her. When her heart failed, I visited her a couple of times but she took up the abuse again as if I hadn’t interrupted it for 16 years. Apparently she became a Christian, but never stopped slandering me with complete lies. My greatest wish is to know where she finds herself now. Was there mercy for her even though she never seemed to change?
Mimi, My heart goes out to you and others with what you have been through with your mother. Your mother did have to answer to God with how she treated you. I honestly don’t know if God gives people with a mental disorder a ” pass ” to go to Heaven. Although I am not a mental health professional, I believe my mom has a narcissistic personality disorder as well. I realized how unreasonable my mom was when I started to become more independent. At 38 years old, my boyfriend, my son and I decided to move a few hours away from my mom. My mom was furious and told me she would get me in a vindictive tone. A month later, she took me to court for shared custody of my son. She had an attorney. I could not afford one. She outright lied to the judge. She used my brain tumor against me. My doctors never would have said that my disability would make me an incompetent parent. My son lives with my mom. She keeps me in the dark about my son. My mom never lets him stay with me. I have not given in to my mom’s demands of moving closer. I miss my son so much, but I don’t miss my mom at all. My mom is very toxic. She even got me fired from a job when I used to live near her. God would never expect us to be a doormat to such toxic people, even if they are family members. God is my parent who I follow. I believe my mom is controlled by the devil. What kind of a mom would insult me for reading the Bible?
thank you!!!!!!
Wow I cannot believe that I finally found a community to talk about this without being judged! For the longest time, I think I have suffered in silence and trying to second-guess myself, and even consider myself the one with the mental health problem just because I have the same toxic and narcissistic mother. Even my father was too toxic that I think that is the reason why I and my siblings have never fully developed to be our own persons. I’d love to grow with you on how we could work this out in the family. I mean I have 5 siblings left and I dont want them to grow in such an environment that they will carry over in their own families for the rest of their lives. I dont know how to tell them that they should not be treated this way and they should not be like my parents, but I dont know how to say that in such a way that I will be validated because my parents are too proud to admit when they are wrong, to them they are always right. my father is a lawyer while my mother always likes to boss people around but does not really know how to establish am emotional relationship with any of the family. She is just good for her friends but she never talks to us about our lives and we never really got the emotional support that a home should have, making us emotionally-incapacitated individuals. God bless you all I hope we figure out this journey!
You are definitely NOT alone!!!!! Pray for them, tell them, His Will Be Done!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Most High God Bless You in Jesus’s Mighty Name!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sounds like my mom. She was diagnosed bipolar two times and out of her 5 children , I am the only daughter & live the closest. She has treated me so bad & when she verbally attacks it’s so painful. She has lost many friends, family members but thinks it is everyone else’s fault. My brothers just put their heads in the sand because they want to stay on her good side. My brothers have been mistreated also but live out of state or at a longer distance. They only see her twice a yr, while I am only 15 min away. Three of my brothers do not have children & cant understand how I am feeling or grasp the importance of protecting my children from her verbal attacks! When she started calling my teen daughter trying to blame me & then went to my son’s work crying & then turned on him for telling his nana he loves her but does not want to get involved…She then turned on him w verbal & emotional abuse…I said ENOUGH! We have set some strong boundaries w her & my brothers & sought out some Christian counseling. I am sad & miss my family but also realize I can’t change their toxicity & I have to protect my family & my heart!! I pray daily to God that he works w my family & healing! Some days are harder than others especially if someone reaches out to us but until they own their words of manipulation and wake up I will not subject my family to this crazy roller coaster.
I wish at some point my mother would have lived with me. Why? Because she would have to depend on me for one of her primary needs. And that means she couldn’t easily push me around like she did when I was growing up. When I was growing up she was fine saying if I didn’t like her house, I could find somewhere else to live.
I would never talk that way to her if she was living with me. Unless it got really bad, and even then probably not.
If she was living with me and had no other options, I would tell her what boundaries are. Then tell her my boundaries, knowing full well my siblings would be getting an earful of how awful I was.
Looking back over many years I saw that she set up her own kingdom in our family. She trained us to indulge her and agree with what she loved and hated. To never challenge double standards. And to disdain any child in the family who questioned the way things were.
If she lived with me she would carry on with that by telling my siblings all the things that were wrong with me. That was part of the family system she set up.
But in my house, I would draw boundaries, and she would not like it. I would ignore her manipulations while chewing my fingernails down to nothing. I would keep drawing boundaries and watch for teachable moments.
I simply could not allow her to set up her old system in my home, but I would not have to be mean about it.
The chances of things always go swimmingly would be low until she saw the value in respecting that I was not going to talk about the people she couldn’t stand or take her manipulations. That comes by explaining what your boundary is, defining the problem, saying you understand they prefer to act different, then telling them you need the boundary for the sake of peace. Ideally it is understood. There are no guarantees. Everyone is different, and some people will never respond to boundary setting no matter what you do.
A boundary with my mom might be soft, like saying, “Mom, I don’t want to hear bad things about dad. It may feel good saying those things, but it is not fun hearing them. He is the only father I have. Please stop or just talk to somebody else about him. I want us to have a balanced living situation and that causes me stress.”
There. You have defined the bad behavior, affirmed it makes her feel good, but it causes you stress – and you offered her the option to take it to somebody else.
That may need to happen dozens of times about various things until the person finally gets it. People don’t change over night. But if you manage to win that war, life will get better.
There was a time when nobody in my family was interfering with my relationship with my mom, and we became close. Then one of my siblings decided she was going to take over my mom’s living situation. That sibling minimized my relationship with my mom as nothing and set herself square in the middle of it.
My mom was happy living with that sibling, and the chances are zero my mom would have ever lived with me anyhow. Maybe my post will help somebody else with their mother. That is why I wrote it.
I thought about estranging from her, but didn’t because that seems like shutting a door too hard. Even though she was such a toxic person. I learned to control myself as best I could and I am glad. After she died I had peace about our relationship.
Watch war room and listen to pastor Steven furtick from elevation church . he has a channel on YouTube and his sermons are amazing. It has helped,me allot with toxic people
Are you absolutely certain it’s what God wanted, though? I have no idea bc I’ve never met you, but I’ve seen adult kids of abusive parents often enable and/or refuse to be honest about the abuse, on the grounds of “because God.” That’s not what’s healthy and you really have to examine if God wants this or not.
That’s a great point! I don’t think it applies in this particular situation, but I’m sure it will apply to many people reading this post. Thanks for sharing!
Excellent response! I agree that something else needs to be done than what is being recommended in the above article, and that it is very hard to give a “blanket statement” that these are the necessary steps because every situation is different. But I know Christ and how he uses painful things in our lives for good. So what is the good here that he is trying to work? Greater love, teaching us not to compare but to really “love” others. Search out our expectations and see where our desire has turned into a demand that has caused us to judge and now “punish” others because they haven’t responded to us the way we had hoped or expected. Phil 2:1-5 we’re asked to live a life of love. What will that look like? What or how can God draw us closer to the other. etc. Ken Sande’s book, The Peacemaker would be an excellent resource here! Blessings. And to the author, thank you for your courage to write something you believe would be useful. It really took courage to do that and I applaud you. We may view this response to the problem differently but I’m thankful that your heart desires to help women grow! God is working that in us through community! Hopefully, this challenges each of us to pursue God to see what He says to me through His Word by reading your article. For some, that may be the last straw after evading abuse and pursuing every other avenue to seek to mend. The steps you listed, for that situation would appear to be helpful! Blessings to you. 😉
“Search out our expectations and see where our desire has turned into a demand that has caused us to judge and now “punish” others because they haven’t responded to us the way we had hoped or expected.”
I was in therapy for a very long time because of narcissistic abuse by my family. I mean more than twelve years. I saw so much interpersonal violence in my family that I still struggle daily with feelings of dread.
I like what you said. Why? Because when it comes right down to it, people who do these dreadful things to us are not well.
I was very angry and hurt by how damaged I was from my family. But over all those years of therapy, what you said was the answer. I had to forgive them.
They chose to not interact with me. I interacted with them and never cut them off, though it wounded me a lot to be around them. God protected me and ultimately gave me so much despite it all. I should have been taken out of my home as a child, but in those days they didn’t do those things. So it was bad.
But God calls us to various kinds of suffering. Mine was to be patient and keep dealing with those people so he could show me many things about how human beings want so much to be whole. They want so much to matter and be heard.
It was such a relief to read that passage you wrote. It just confirms to me that God shows us his grace when and how he wants to. He uses suffering to make us into the people he wants us to be.
Wow!! I was in a similar, very scary childhood and have always felt very alone even as an adult. I believe too that God used it for my good. I can now count it as a blessing…but it has taken YEARS of counseling and relying on God daily to get here. Now, dealing with a narcissitic MIL, I found this page and it is shedding some new light on things. God Bless!!
I applaud your comments fully. Thank you, thank you! This rings true to me. Separation, division does not come from a heart of love, and God is Love. Jesus turned over tables, Jesus judged because he is God, we are not. He willingly took on all kinds of abuse to death on the cross by his very creation. We are to be crucified with Christ. We are to lay down our very lives and follow Him. This is the hard road of Christianity…of the Christ follower. We don’t know the hearts and minds of people therefore it’s not up to us to judge. We should not be a door mat at all, instead We are to willingly lay down our lives….that is a much bigger message and its unifying, It’s Christ like.
Separation, division does not come from a heart of love, and God is Love. Jesus turned over tables, Jesus judged the Pharisees because he is God, only God can judge the hearts, minds and motives in the secret places of the heart. He is God, we are not. He willingly took on all kinds of abuse to death on the cross by his very creation. We are to be crucified with Christ. We are to lay down our very lives and follow Him. This is the hard road of Christianity…of the Christ follower. We don’t know the hearts and minds of people therefore it’s not up to us to judge. We should not be a door mat at all, instead We are to willingly lay down our lives….that is a much bigger message than writing off or punishing your parents for not being perfect or living up to your expectations. Everyone has walked their own road full of hurts and disappointments….even your parents. But God put us in our mothers womb and He knit us together there…giving us everything we need to survive their imperfections. He knows the ending from the beginning. We don’t have to have an opinion about everything we perceive as sin or unfairness, we have the responsibility to be who Christ created US to be and to love Him with all our hearts, souls, minds, strength…. Honor thy father and thy mother …. we can not redefine the simple meaning of the 10 commandments.
Seeking Truth, that’s not always true. While reconciliation is always best case scenario, we are all humans with our own free will and our own consequences. If people (even our own parents) are CHOOSING to live in sin, then there are certainly times when we can say “You have the right to choose that for yourself, but you don’t get to choose that for me.” Not because we want to separate, but sometimes separating is the most loving thing we can do.
Going no contact from my family of origin was a gut-wrenching decision. It was for my very survival. Unless you walked this path personally, you will have no idea. I was in a gas lighting machine since I could remember. Every hurtful thing they said and did was always deniable b/c it was my word against their’s, even though people knew me not to lie and were blown away by my great memory. They would say and do horrible things when alone with me, then say it never happened when I called them out with other family members, mostly due to my shock. My mother and sister would tag-team like this for years until I found myself isolated within my own family. Right before going no contact, they would have get togethers, birthday celebrations, and I wouldn’t know about it, only finding out after the fact, and probably lied and said I couldn’t come. You can’t win when the system is rigged. They have to be top dog at every turn (very alpha female/control freaks). And I’m totally fine with that, but I couldn’t help that my husband makes a lot of money (and a great guy), or my children are beautiful. When I was at a restaurant with my mother and sister, a man stopped at our table just to tell me how beautiful my daughter was. I immediately saw the contempt on my sister’s face. Two weeks later, while alone, she made a very hateful comment, telling my baby, “How in the world did you ever come from your mother and father, you look like me?” Then denied saying that (gas lighting) when I called her out on it, saying, “I never said that.” I cringed inside when the man stopped at the table and complimented my daughter, b/c I knew somewhere down the line, there would be payback. I suffer from very low self-esteem, and she planted that seed in my psyche so every person who says, “Your child is beautiful” would be met with the thought, “how did they ever come from me an my husband?”
So I can’t win, if I had ugly children, that would be discussed behind my back, and if I had beautiful children, how did they ever come from my husband and me. All the while, no one is seeing this psychological/ emotional abusive behavior because it’s all taken place when we’re alone. I’m not on Facebook so she has a cultivated image there (700 friends), and a plethora of admires, master marketer. Her FB page looks like Martha Stewart’s. It’s painful to read glowing comments on her feed from other family members, who have no idea. Sociopaths and narcissists, just like its founder, shine on FB. Who will believe me anyway? And even if other family member’s believed me, who would stand up and say, “Enough!” No one. That’s been my experience so far. I haven’t even gotten into the crazy proxy abuse I experienced for years that I strongly feel originated from them. Suffered PTSD so badly I had ketamine infusions to help with panic attacks, random throat closing.
I suffered greatly, and lost a huge family. My mother has never reached out, even though she has my email address. My husband’s an only child so our children have no one. But I would rather be alone than in the environment I was in before no contact. They would have eventually gone after my children, either put a wedge between us or lie (plant seeds, innuendo) about my children behind their backs. My mother and sister are masters at innuendo’s and seed planting.
Anyone could sit back and see how close my mother and sister are, and how there was no room for me there. The Bible says in Matthew 25, “What you did unto the least of your brothers, you did unto me.” I am the least of them, and no one went looking for me like Christ does with His sheep, or even stood up for me.
I pray every single day for the last 8 years for God to reveal the truth, for someone to contact me, even anonymously, and say, “I believe you.”
I have no problem believing you ! This is pretty common, and, you should know that your mother and sister are scape-goating you. Please look up this term. The same thing happened in my mother’s family. Parents often play one or more siblings each other, so you won’t catch on and unite against the abusive parent/parents. What about your father ? Did he join them or was he off on his own, uninvolved ? Go no contact. You don’t sin by doing that. By the way, James MacDonald got kicked out by his own church. Won’t say why, you can look that up if you like. One can never please scape- goaters no matter how hard you try. Forgive when you can, but stay away if you want to. You aren’t harming them by avoiding them. Less strife that way.
This is so relieving and refreshing to see. Although I felt sooo at peace and lighter by going no contact with my narc fam members, there was a TEENY bit in me that wondered if that was too harsh. Then, I remember the consistent behaviors for which were never apologized, and I felt better about my decision.
Your comment is actually therapeutic.
Haven’t known how to put this covert, strange and weird mistreatment into words, but my head and heart were crushed so I know it was real.
THANK GOD FOR PEACE AND LIFE! AND YOU😄
I have had very similar experiences, LIFE LONG miseries of gaslighting, lying, sneaky, narcotic behaviors, never ever being good enough, laughing joke at gatherings, JUDGMENTAL attitudes in every corner (judge, jury, conviction), unsuspecting subtle yet brutal attacks, attacks, belittling, mimicking, humiliating, you ware feelings on sleeves, etc. etc.. I am grateful to have read your story, b/c now after 68 yrs of these sick, dysfunctional behaviors to be endured all one’s life and coming from a large family of 14, can put one in a Mental Institution, DEPRESSION, or wanting to take one’s life. Even now with having both parents passed, and 4 siblings have since passed, the sick deteriorating behaviors and grieving ROLLER COASTER still goes on…. I too have decided enough is enough!!! I moved 8 hours away, to get away ….. only to have my brother and sister in law, move 20 mins from me. Anyways, what – other than staying away, have you done for yourself to protect yourself? To find HEALINGs for all one’s “Damaged Emotions”? And how do you know that you are in God’s Will by staying away. What are some of your Resources: Books, Therapy, Supporting Scriptures, (what do you think God says about having “No Contact” whatsoever). Podcast, Support System, Setting Up Boundaries, What to say when in any of their presence, — SHOULD that happen? such as- funerals, IF I ATTEND?
It may have been that way for you Clover but I believe in most situations parents do treat their children differently and not always the right way and no matter how much you forgive them they just expect you will do what they say. I have 3 siblings and I have tried over and over again to talk to my parents about the way they treat me. I am divorced with five children from three relationships. I have always been treated different and not in a positive way. I have talked to them about how I feel and how I want to be respected. My parents have always gone out of their way to visit me and my children more than everyone else. I always try and be polite and respectful but that is where it ends. My parents are constantly telling me my kids are going to end up in jail and how much better behaved my sisters children are. (my children are well behaved and everyone raves about how wonderful they are). I’ve also been told to leave my boyfriend because they don’t like him. They even tried to kick him out of our house. They slammed my mother in law in front of her and they have also told me at times that I was fat, needed to get my tubes tied and they never agree with the job I have or whether or not I go to school. Their love is completely conditional on me doing what they want. For example once when I finally got fed up, They came to the hospital to see my newborn son. My father refused to hold him because he hates my son’s father. My mother told me I was fat. They complained that we didn’t leave the hospital to come and visit them at night (my son was in the NICU born 6 weeks early). Then when we finally had enough of their complaining we asked them to leave. They called social services on me then called the cops on my boyfriend. It was unfounded that file was dropped but how stressful to come home with your newborn and have social services show up at the door. That was the end of my talking to them. I kept my distance for two years and in th past year have only seen them for short peroids of time when they come to visit my kids and take them out. Some people see the world in one way and if you do not follow their beliefs they single you out constantly. My siblings have all never been divorced, have a house they own and apparently do nothing wrong ever. I’m tired of being treated like I don’t matter. To top it all off the war with my parents resulted in them telling my siblings a bunch of lies so none of them talk to me. Out of 75 relatives I talk to about 5 now because of this. Only one cousin of mine backed me up and said that what my family of origin was saying was wrong and they shouldn’t treat me that way. My gramma also still talks to me and one aunt (who my mother does not speak to). Everyone thinks my parents walk on water but they have no idea what my parents are like behind closed doors. Appearances can be decieving.
I am unfortunately dealing with a very difficult situation involving my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. My sister-in-law loves drama, and will constantly instigate and inflame the problems between my MIL and myself. My MIL is a very critical and over-bearing person. She is what too emotionally invested in my marriage and my choices. She has always enjoyed being THE matriarch, by whom everyone just blindly follows. I was not raised like that. I am disabled, through absolutely no fault of my own, and she has told me to my face that ‘I’m not trying hard enough to get better, I shouldn’t have kids when I can’t even take care of household chores on my own, I ‘have no business’ doing certain activities-such as a charity walk, she claims that I hide in my room all day, and I’m just lazy’. She said all these things to my face, knowing that I was depressed and suicidal. Her latest grievance is that she absolutely demanded that everyone (including my side of the family) has Christmas Day at her house. After she’s spent years telling us she would rather have holidays at other people’s houses, and has enjoyed holidays at other people’s houses. I believe she is demanding this because we just moved to the same city, because of my husband’s job. All of a sudden, she wants to have it at her house? My husband tried to compromise, but she wouldn’t budge, and then only wanted my husband to come over-without me. Our marriage counselor said we should absolutely not do that-it’s both of us, or none of us. Now I’m getting blamed for all of this. My husband, who previously was not standing up for me at all, is just now starting to put his foot down. I’ve finally had enough. I’ve blocked her on my phone and email. I cannot take any more emotional or verbal abuse from her. She holds no accountability for how much she has hurt me or the problems she has created in my marriage. In fact, she plays the victim when you try to tell her what she’s done to hurt you. I’ve prayed on it, and the most Christian thing I can do is to realize she is who she is, she will never change, and I need to accept that. But, that doesn’t mean I have to accept or be around that behavior. I will no longer lash out or allow her to hurt me in the way that I’ve let her. So, I choose to love her from a distance. Sometimes that is all you can do!
wow. That’s awful. Hopefully your husband will stand up for you. That’s one piece of advice we got when we were married–you stand up to your family, he should stand up to his. But yes, she’s entitled to do what she wants, but you’re entitled not to put up with it. Forgive her. But no need to put yourself in the line of fire if she refuses to stop.
on a christian level you have to separate yourself from destructive people in your life. continue to pray and have love for her. forgive her but know only God has sway on your life. he choose you for your life and no one else. there is always a purpose for you that He has created for you. love yourself and feel blessed He has His hands in your life, even when we do not know. and have strength in knowing, because of Him, you are never alone. love others reguardless, because He loved you first.
Wow, that’s AWFUL! If you’ve done what you can and they still continued to behave that way, I believe you have every right to forgive them and then move on. You don’t deserve to be treated that way.
God bless you and your kids! And your boyfriend too! The REAL Father lives you all unconditionally , and that’s really all that matters! No need for a bunch of people to talk to anyways! Jesus only had 12 followers initially! You’re gonna do just fine without that toxcidity in your life !
I have encountered this situation with my husband’s extended family, excluding my in-laws, that have always been kind to me. After several years of attempting to understand why we are not receiving invitations to family functions, as well as offering an apology to a particular family member, nothing has changed in regards to invitations. I am upset that my children will not be privileged to ever meet or never be able to get to know their cousins. I finally made the decision that I wasn’t going to worry about it and we have started our own family traditions around the holidays. Best of luck to you and your family.
Hmm… they never at least told you why? Did you try throwing your own events and inviting them? Just brainstorming here, not knowing the situation.
Great post Brittany! I am dealing with this right now…Yikes! Thanks!
Awww, I’m sorry 🙁 Good luck!
Wow! So many dealing with these types of issues! I am a divorced mother of two (one on the autism spectrum) who homeschools. Most of my family disagrees with my decision to continue homeschooling. My son, on the spectrum, has several food allergies and an anxiety to dogs (and allergy to animals as well). I don’t ask my family members to change their lifestyles, but just to accommodate my son while he’s at their houses. Instead I’m seen as ridiculous for requesting that nuts not be part of what’s served and M&Ms be put away; or asking that the dogs not be in the common area while we’re there. When they refuse to help my son safely enjoy the holidays at their homes, they get upset with me for keeping him home. Apparently I’m over-reacting. Then there’s my brother who is angry at me for something, and will not tell me what I did. So he makes it obvious by getting everyone else in the family a gift except me; and then doesn’t thank me for the one I give him. I know it’s not about the gifts, but it is painful to be singled out. It has become slightly less painful just to do holidays by ourselves. But I wish my kids had a better experience with their own family.
Wow that’s awful. I don’t blame you for staying home. Have you tried hosting at your house where you’d have more control over the situation?
Wow I honestly didn’t think anyone else had problems like this in their family.
I too deal with this.
I’m married 2 kids and I absolutely love my husbands family without a doubt!
But my fathers side of the family have always treated me this way and thought my whole life me and my sister were considered the black sheep. Anything we did wrong we were shamed for, but if my cousins did the same they were slapped on the wrist and forgiven instantly.
As of today it still feels that way. My grandmother had just bought both of my cousins brand new homes and new cars. One just moved out of their mothers and has not been shown proper responsibility and the other actually has had some.
My whole life I’ve had to work for my things and for some reason when I get married have children and a decent paying job plus my husbands great job, I have not once been shown the support of how good I’m doing. They didn’t even go to my wedding…….why? Because no one had time.
When I k ow they did.
It just really hurts. I don’t know what I should do, but I will tell you that I have done what’ve you said and removed myself from any situation. I hardly call anyone anymore and I don’t know if it’s changed anything. Hopefully soon. I love my family and I wish I wasn’t always cast to the side.
Awww, I’m sorry to hear that. That’s definitely unfair and hurtful. Hopefully you have plenty of other great family and friends to spend your time with instead.
I will say instead of wishing people will change ,shift your focus to building your own Family Empire which will revolve around (your NUCLEAR Family) fill it with soooooooo much Love ,laughter. save or Strongly Protect your nuclear Family from such toxins. Build your own they might beg you to be a part of it. GOD’s way are not our way.REMEMBER: GOD TOLD ABRAHAM ” leave your Family and I will give you and your Desendants a land flowing with Milk And Honey” LISTEN MORE TOGOD AND WHAT HE IS SAYING! JUUST LIKE OUR FATHER ABRAHAM DID! LET NO MAN SIDE-TRACT YOU. Be AT PEACE WITH ALL MEN, BUT DONT LET their bad opinion about you distract you and then it affects you so badly and then it controls your whole existence and so on and so forth…… At the End of the Day WHEN ITS ALL SAID AND DONE, GOD WILL ASK YOU ; HOW DID YOU SPEND THE LIFE THAT I GAVE YOU? Please CHOSE to spend it on things Or WHAT REALLY MATTERS. FIND IT! GOD LOVES YOU! Ask God fill you with soooooo much love to lavish on your husband and to teach your Children with even soooooooo much Unconditional LOVE. stay Conncted to GOD . You will Finish strong, remain Joyfull and Stong in the lord.
I love this. Christians get so bent out of shape bowing to the will of others in the name of being godly. When you are not being selfish, but simply acting reasonable and with regards to your own family’s emotional health, that is wisdom. Agree Brittany, sometimes you forgive bit do not re-engage trust and live your own life. It is not a witness to teach your children to be doormats to ungodly people.
Thanks, Rachel 🙂
And yes, we are to turn the other cheek, BUT there comes a time when our “being loving” crosses the line into enabling their sinful behavior and jeopardizing our children, and that’s not a line we necessarily need to cross.
Hello, my name is Evelyn and I’m from Nigeria, where we have a lot of toxic family members especially from our spouses end( I mean his family).
In response to the response u gave to the sister with respect to the captioned”dealing with family toxic “, then how do we win this so called family members to Christ. Recall the scriptures says our lives reflect Christ, in other words we are like walking bibles to these family members. I kind of disagree to your suggestion. When we genuinely hand over our hurt to Jesus who has requested we do this, we will discover that handling these family members is like blowing a puff in the air, y? Because our focus is no longer on pleasing them but pleasing God. Take time out study the word on love, pray with ur kids and hubby, discover that his grace is indeed sufficient.😇
I have struggled in my relationship with my father & sister. I have gotten to a point in my life that now I realized that they’ll never change or understand that their behavior is toxic & hurtful. I don’t include them in my personal life & at some point in the near future, I’ll be moving out of state for a fresh start.
I’m sorry it had to come to that. Sometimes that is what is necessary though. Hope you all can find restoration some day.
I agree the boundaries book is very helpful. But, for me and my family so much heal came from praying to God and asking him to soften hearts of family members and most importantly give me the strength to be a example to them of Jesus’ love. I also worked on owning my part of what divided me from the family. I knew at times I was cold and distant because of fear. The enemy wants nothing more than to pull us all apart and I fight back with love and prayers.
Yes, prayer definitely has to be a big part of it too!
Our daughter recently told us she no longer wanted us in her life. This was over six months ago. We moved from our home of 35 years that we loved to be closer to both daughters. This was a huge mistake. Our daughter and her husband told us we were selfish people. We have spent the better part of 40+ years being devoted to our daughters, our l granddaughter, who we have also lost. We went through a terrible time time when we moved dealing with moving from a country home on 10 acres to a manic city lifestyle. We thought we could adjust but we were wrong. We tried for 2 years – then my 75 yo husband was diagnosed w/cancer so, yes, we might have been a little more self absorbed than normally. so cut us some slack but no – we are out of their lives. It would be different if we rarely did anything with them or for them but we loved them, as we love our other daughter. We adored our granddaughter – took on some nice trips; she’d stay in the country w/us in the summer and bring a friend. I would drive and do stuff w/her until I dropped but I loved every min. Now, after a bad day, a bad week or whatever, we are parents worthy of being thrown away. We are shattered!!! We were blindsided by this thinking we had a pretty good relationship….not perfect but then no one is. We never spoke to our daughter about these issues but everything was filtered through her husband who misconstrued or misunderstood what we were saying. She will not speak to us. We’ve found in the past he’s taken things wrong and told our daughter but then, in speaking to her she’d ask him and he’d say he was mistaken. But this is far more serious. What do we do. We are all Christians and we are willing to work this out – to make amends, to accept our blame in all of this. We love our daughter and granddaughter in spite of their, what we consider small imperfections. We all have them and I would be the first to admit it. I am not proud. Our family is one of the most important parts of our lives.
I’m so sorry to hear that! Is there any way you can get her to talk directly to you? Or is there a different third-party you could reach out to if not? Sounds like something is going on, and without knowing what it is, it’s really hard to say how to fix it. I would try to get to the bottom of it if you can. Good luck!
Thank you Brittany. I’ve contacted their pastor one more time. So far he has ignored me but we are praying. Otherwise, there really is no way. She lost her best friend because she disagreed w/her husband about what they were doing with us. IF she still had her in her life we could work through her. It is Satan I believe. But God is stronger and will sort all this out …. when we don’t know. In the meantime we can pray and trust which we try to do. According to much I’ve read, this is an epidemic in this country. Everyone is so ultra sensitive and so easily offended I guess. Pray for the Holy Spirit to show them the light – and help us also. A lot of women who have been estranged are alone – I am thankful I have a wonderful husband and also our oldest daughter. God promises us hardship – i never would have thought this would happen to us in a million years. Thanks again for taking your time to care. It means a lot to me.
I’m sorry–that’s awful 🙁 Hope you get her back soon…
Karen, I am sorry for your pain. We do not speak to my husband’s parents at all and they do not see our children. We did not come to this decision lightly, we prayed constantly.
His parents are abusive and claim to be the victims of miscommunication and brainwashing.
There is really only one way I can help you and that is by being honest. I would assume that you may need to face what you’ve done. I doubt that this is a simple decision that your daughter being a Christian came by lightly. My husband’s parents did not apologize, blamed, lied, manipulated and did everything in their power to tear their son away. I sat quietly and watched. They ask him to choose and he didn’t choose them. Have they come to use with a spirit of reconciliation, remorse or love this could be avoided. We gave them 10 years to change. So we walked away.
Write letters, be remorseful, listen to why they no longer want to see you. Is God humbling you? I know this is hard to hear and I don’t want to hurt you but I can’t help his family see, maybe you will and find joy and reconciliation. We humbled ourselves to them and set boundaries, they didn’t like that, they wanted their own way. To be respectful we stopped arguing, stopped fighting and we continue to pray.
Oh Phil, we have written, we have apologized, we have requested that they speak to us so we can make amends. Her husband also kicked her closest friend out of their lives because she was against what they were doing to us. She tried to speak to our daughter but she would not listen to anything her friend had to say. She was poisoned against her friend by lies her husband told her. She is now isolated from her entire family and her best friend. We were called “narcissistic” – my husband was diagnosed w/cancer, we had just moved from a tranquil home to a manic city – It appears they want everything their way – if we don’t tow the mark we are kicked out. We pray unceasingly and have many people praying for us. We were never able to speak to our daughter. Everything was filtered through her husband and we caught him in a couple lies. But it fit his narrative. We treated our son in law better than his parents did. We got along very wel with him over 18 years and enjoyed his company. We would never have told our daughter she should choose between her husband or us. NEVER. It is a living hell because no matter what we write, no matter how we humble ourselves to them, our letters go off into the abyss. Nothing anyone says could hurt me. I appreciate your honesty and your willingness to take your time to write. I willkeep sending loving notes and keep praying. I offered to see a Christian Counselor w/our daughter but I was never responded to. We have been so willing to just hear what we did and where we can make amends to begin healing. I just continue to pray for a third party, for one of the pastors to be led by God to be a peacemaker where we can see a glimmer of hope. We are not prideful people and would be thankful to be able to just listen to their grievances. I know they have them. We continue to wake up every day in our nightmare and now with Christmas it is a living hell. There are 40 million of us – it’s pandemic in the U.S. I was just reading R.C. Sproul about how the family in America has changed so drastically and he is concerned, as is Ravi Zacharias about the broken families. We continue to pray and seek guidance. I honestly don’t know what else to do. We are going to go and try to see them sometime after the first of tghe year. I hope our daughter will see us. I am saddened for your children that they cannot see their grandparents. You all should see a Christian Counselor – this is not the way God wants families to treat each other. I understand if the parents are abusive to you but were they to the children?
I have read the above correspondence and One thing I must admit too is the fact I have never learned how to set parameters on putting people before myself … and the other aspect is the fact we may see clearly someone elses strife without the ability to see our own … with this said, I will offer my mortal perspective. Each person is accountable for their own actions. I am seeing you reaching out to your daughter but her husband seems to be controlling her …. as unfortunate as this situation is, I have realized until a person realuzes they and only they are responsible how the rest of their life will transpire … possibly without any communication with their famy/friends … and only their husband … and truly be allowed to exist in their situation … they and only they can realize and change … it is during this time of being alone and experiencing that God can TRULY work and speak to their heart and soul. (this happens to be the phase I am in … it is most unpleasant and confusing but I will say it is drawing me closer to God because I am truly alone) God has a way of working beyond our most vivid imagination … the REAL goal is for each of us to be prepared for heaven and accepted … so as grim as this may sound, healing of your family relationship may not come in your mortal lifetime but it will exist in heaven. The most powerful thing you or I or anyone can do at this point is pray for God’s Divine power, love, mercy and protection for everyone involved … let His Will be done on earth as it is in heaven by giving Him Glory through living our lives. The more we focus on Him and rely on Him … the quicker He can work and subsequently give us the desires of our hearts … the focus MUST first be on Him. Thank you for reading.
I thought your response to your reader was very well done. I too come from a toxic abusive family. My mother was very abusive and when I became a Christian, her abuse became even worse – to the point where I had to cut ties. Gently confronting didn’t help; trying to love her into loving me didn’t work. I was the family scapegoat and another sibling was the favourite (golden child). I started off with boundaries, unfortunately they didn’t work and actually made her abuse of me even worse. My mother exhibits what is called Narcissistic Personality Disorder – and the family dynamic I grew up in is called a ‘narcissistic family.’ I mention this because when your reader expressed how she’s being treated and about the favouritism, I wondered if maybe she comes from a same kind of family.
My experiences with such a family did not end well. Things got so bad that I no longer have relationships with any family at all. Being the scapegoat of the family was a burden I could no longer bear and could no longer have anything to do with them. ( 2 Tim. 3:1-5). I hope your reader has better luck, but if her family dynamic is narcissistic, setting boundaries may make things worse, and I hope she knows that severing ties from people who do not change is not sinful when they cause so much strife and discord. My heart goes out to her as narcisstic families are not only toxic but very painful.
I’m so sorry to hear this 🙁 Hopefully you are in a much better place now. (Not like Heaven, lol, but here on Earth)
I married into narcissistic family but I did not know it for the first few years that my husband and i dated. He is an only child with a severe covert NPD mother and enabling father. I have contorted myself in every way possible to keep his parents happy. After a while my husband put his foot down and that’s when the tent finally collapsed and his parents ripped their masks off completely and just got sloppy with the toxic behavior. His mother came to visit us once and said “well when I’m mean to you I don’t get to see my son”. We currently have limited to no contact with them. They basically want us to pay no nevermind to their behavior and basically just deal with it. Their main focus is their son who does keep minimal contact with them. I don’t know what the future looks like with them. I love my husband very much but there are days that make me wonder would it really just make them that happy if I left my husband? Who wants their child divorced? It’s a disgusting dynamic. And I wish that I could have a somewhat normal in-law relationship but unfortunately that is not the case
I hate to say this but it is a relief reading some of these posts. Now I don’t feel so alone in family drama, not that I wish any of it on anybody. Over 2 years ago, we found out my brother and his wife were stealing from my mom’s bank acct. This is after they bullied their way into my mom’s house after being told they could not move in. Once moved in they had been spending thousands of dollars and my mom was going without and was almost broke. The whole family was furious. However, my sister in law is the queen of victims and can play that roll to a T. Now she and my brother were stealing from my mom. We confronted my brother and he wouldn’t own up to it but when we got my mom’s statements it was devastating at the amount of $$ they stole so my other brother sent the paperwork into the district attorney. She did absolutely nothing. So we hired an attorney to gain control over my mom and her estate. What a joke that was. In the meantime my sister in law accused me (because I lost my temper) of assaulting her then putting a restraining order on me lying I had assaulted her and my mother neither of which I did . it took her 9 days to put the assault charge in. I have never been a violent person never touched her or my mother. This woman said to another relative that she did that to help me with my anger. The assaults weren’t true. The worst part is my mother took their side after everything. Said she wanted them to be power of attorney and made them POA and left my brother and I who were trying to help her left us out in the dust. It was the most horrific thing I have ever been through. However, God is a good God and He has shown me how to let it go, forgive and move on. I have turned my mother over to the Lord and also my brother and his wife. I pray for them and when I feel myself getting angry or upset I just pray for blessing on them. Also, I have not stepped foot in my mother’s house for over 2 years or talked to her. They have lied to her about me and she believes it, so be it. She’s forgiven and that’s all I can do. This is not the first time my brother and his wife have pulled stuff like this on me but it is the last. I won’t associate with them because they are toxic people and my health is worth far more than their friendship or relationship.
Wow, that’s truly terrible of them. I’m surprised your mom allowed all of that to happen. But she’s a grown woman, and that’s her choice, I guess. You did all you could, and I don’t think you’re in the wrong at all for removing yourself from the situation. So sad though.
I don’t agree with your advice. Maybe in certain situations, removing yourself from the situation is best (like if the family is abusive or violent). Advising someone to cut ties with THEIR MOTHER and SIBLINGS because they aren’t the favorite child is not biblical. You should be advising that they PRAY (never mentioned in your post) for salvation for their family (if not already), softened hearts of family members and a change in their own heart to not feel the way they do. The reader that you quoted obviously wants love and attention from her family….”politely” explaing & removing herself is the last thing she should do. She should pray for thicker skin & try loving them better. Maybe the other sibling is the “favorite” because they call more or their kids are younger (everyone prefers babies & toddlers over teenagers that stay glued to their phones).
If the issue truly is that a child simply isn’t the favorite, I would absolutely agree. This article is about *toxic* family members though. Family members that you have already tried to talk to and reason with, but who choose to simply destroy, manipulate and undermine every chance they get anyways. If things can be worked out – they absolutely should be! But once it reaches the point where staying is simply allowing/enabling the other person to sin, I do believe there comes a point when removing ourselves from the situation in hopes of repentance and reconciliation is in order.
I wholeheartedly agree with Brittany! Enough is enough, for health, mentally, spiritually, and even physically!!! DEPART, having no contact ever again.
Sometimes moving out is the best thing to do, as in my case. I have told myself I would not talk bad about my mom anymore so no details unfortunately but my case is no different. When u sit her down and state your case it turns into war all the time, and she gets defensive we get nowhere really. The word of God tells us to DO OUR BEST to live at peace with everyone, sometimes if ur always attacked for no reason the solution is removing yourself from the line of fire. That helps cos then you could visit and see them less often, which will allow u less pain and also help the person to stop abusive behavior (u can’t be abusive if you don’t have a victim ha ha ) . If u can totally disregard moving out as an option I wonder if you really know what a toxic family is, why stay in a miserable house?? If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and there is also a verse that says don’t make the Holy Spirit sad si continuing to stay with abusive people breaks our spirits and makes it difficult to pray. In a separate space you regain your strength and can actually fast for the broken relationship because some demons Don leave unless you fast… And still Isiah book says don’t fast if ur holding a grudge but once you move out I know if you are a loving person you are in a better state to fight the devil. Hope it helps
Thank you so much for this article, it is truly a God send. My mother-in-law, and her mother have unfortunately chosen this path. They berate me to my husband, and are very disrespectful to my disabled father (who lives with us). They find any way to monopolize my husbands time constantly. (Every day off from work) After about a year of this, I could tell him exactly when they would call. They demanded he come fix whatever problem either of them had. Whenever I voiced concern to one, I received a phone call from the other. They made my concern seem selfish. (I was 7 months pregnant/ high risk) He was made to drive 450 miles away because his grandmother guilted him into it. They come in our home and act as it’s theirs. Moving things around, throwing things away, and bringing over their dogs. (I’m allergic)
I pray daily for them and for God to grant me a solution. The most difficult part is that they make my husband feel like he is turning his back on his family, if he doesn’t do what they say. I am going to have him read this article because it is more elequently out than anything I have said so far.
Thank you again and God bless you!!
Wow! Have you talked to your husband about this?? What does he say?
I’m still feeling at a loss.
My stress lies with my sister inlaw. 8 so badly want to love her and have a sisterly relationship like I do with my sister and my other sister inlaw, but she is so distant and hard to engage.
We’ve never had a great relationship. In the beginning, we played lots of games, but I often felt discouraged because she was constantly on her phone and my side of the conversation was often missed. Which was fine. More recently, my husband and I moved away. My sister inlaw and her daughter often come to visit and this is where the conflict has truly begun. From the moment she walks in the door, I feel like a doormat. I take care of her kid along with my own, clean up, and make all the meals. I don’t mind serving, but I struggle to be a constant cheerful server in the situation. There is never appreciation of any kind. Not for giving them a place to stay, for babysitting so she can get things done, for the meals, nothing. No conversation can be had as she is on her phone the whole time unless she is doing the talking.
I try to make conversation. Struggle and pray over myself to love selflessly. But I am at a loss. All I want is for our relationship to heal. For us to get along. I pray and pray. I often feel pushed to say something, but worry the words won’t be right. Avoidance is not the solution, but I really don’t know what to do anymore.
They are coming for a full week and I have never dreaded something so much in my life..
Have you told her how you feel? Is she even aware of the situation?
That is exactly what my husband and I had to do. His family is super toxic and put a huge strain on us in the beginning of our marriage. And when we found out we were going through infertility they were do selfish and unsympathetic we had to put some distance. It’s sad but we haven’t been happier!
Yuck. I’m sorry to hear that 🙁 Glad things turned out alright in the end though! Hopefully that was just the wake-up call they need.
I totally agree with removing yourself from the situation when your health is threatened. God’s word says in Ecclesiastes 21:2, “Flee from sin as from the face of a serpent: for if thou comest too near it, it will bite thee: the teeth thereof are as the teeth of a lion, slaying the souls of men.” I certainly know what that means, trying for 40+ years to tolerate family members who refused to take responsibility for bad behavior (to put it mildly). It got to the point where I was breaking teeth and spent over $10,000 on dental work, and now have irreversible high blood pressure. The anger had no place to go. My wife told me it was either them or her. I was holding on to “Honor thy mother and father” which incidentally is the old convenant which we are no longer under when we trust Jesus as Lord. I also think as believers seeking God’s heart, that we will know when a toxic family relationship is actually coming between us and Him.
signs…..
what happens if they won’t stop, what happens if the rest of your families are ganging up on you, what happens if you are on a brink of a nervous breakdown and hear your mother tells you “BUT I LOVE YOU’?
what happens if God has abandoned you because in His infinite wisdom?
That doesn’t sound good at all! Honestly, if it were me (and this is just my personal opinion), I would absolutely create some distance for my own mental health. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love them or that you don’t care what happens to them. But if being around them is about to make you have a nervous breakdown, then there is nothing wrong with getting some space. I actually went through a period of life where I pretty much cut off all ties with EVERYONE (except my husband) for a couple of years. It was so healing.
And secondly, God NEVER abandons us and stops loving us. Just because you can’t feel Him doesn’t mean He’s not there or that He doesn’t care. Really 🙂
I agree that although a child needs to honour their parents, protecting and nurturing their own children is more important. Gently creating and maintaining healthy boundaries between your children and toxic family members is the right thing to do. It is the only way to break the cycle. I am currently working through the book “Will I ever be good enough?” by Karyl McBride and I would strongly recommend it. From the comments I get the feeling that there are many of us dealing with a narcissistic parent. The book affirms the fact that toxic family members may not change, but guides you to find peace with that. We want to reach a place where we can safely love and pray for the toxic ones without being continually hurt.
It is also extremely important that you remind your children every single day that they (and you) are UNCONDITIONALLY loved by you and by God. Your extended family’s inability to show unconditional love is not a reflection of you or your children. You are all lovable and precious in your Father’s eyes. Don’t ever forget that.
Such good encouragement. Thanks!
Thank you for sharing this! I’m 56 yrs old and my parents have always favored my older sister & her children over mine ! My mom wud always go help my sister w/her kids if she was sick (sister) but when my daughter was sick and I had just started a new job , my dad blew me out for even asking! Unfortunately its all about status–my sister is married to a Dr and she’s a special ed teacher. I’m divorced From a man that cheated in me b 4 we ever married and all during…he was n navy when we met & I never finished college until I got my diploma n medical billing /coding but. That wasn’t good enough ! I’ve been experiencing a lot of adversity the last yr and half & it led me to apologize too quite a few people including my parents and siblings and friends. But they still put conditions on the relationship …family members did this! So I “divorced” my family unfortunately. I was constantly told I’m no good I’ll never amt to anything and now “I’ll be your sister if….?? My parents didn’t even go to my sons wedding…no reason or explaination and no gift mailed ! This really hurt and added to everything else ,led me to the “divorce” ! My dad has turned all other family members against me…I joined FB because of family member in VA and I’m n NC…in fact I’m currently holding a fundraiser on FB and not ONE family member has donated ! (Having major health issues– fluid on brain ) ! I’m sorry for the “book” but this was so timely and I’ve struggled with whether I did the Christian thing! Thank yooou again for sharing ! Have a Merry & blessed Christmas !
Hi Brittany,
Thanks for the post. I have a DIL that finds ways to hurt my daughter who we adopted. She was our granddaughter. My DIL refuses to say your mom and dad but rather grandma and grandpa. It hurts my husband, daughter and myself. My daughter has several mental problems including PTSD and Reactive Attachment disorder along with depression, stress and anxiety. Every time we get together for someone’s birthday, or other holiday, my DIL has my daughter crying. She will even go so far as to lie to get my daughter in trouble. She has a daughter the same age as mine, they are both 15. Her daughter treats my daughter badly too. After 13 years of this toxic abuse to both me and my daughter, I told my husband my daughter and I would never goback to their house, nor would my daughter and I have anything to do with them. Her husband is my husband’s son. She has told me, she is more family than I am because she has my husband’s grandchild. She will even give a picture of my granddaughter to my husband for Christmas and put his name on it but not mine. I am only grandma to her daughter when she wants something for my granddaughter. And I am not material by any means, but at Christmas she will make cookies and she knows I am allergic to gluten and peanut butter, so she will make delicious cookies made with wheat flour, but make gluten free cookies with peanut butter, so I still can not have them. She smirks when she gives them to me. My daughter tells me, her aunt just gives me poison every year for Christmas, which is true. She hadn’t been diagnosed, but I believe she has 2 different narcissism. I will stand up for my daughter and let her know it is not okay to be abused, by anyone. After all she did come from a very abusive home. I will love my DIL and granddaughter from afar, and I will continue to pray for both of them. But in this situation where I have tried several times to talk with her, and her getting angry, then finding a way to hurt my daughter, because she did not like what I said, it is time to give up the relationship.
Oh wow. That’s awful. I don’t blame you for ending that relationship at all. Not in anger, but in a “setting boundaries to protect my family” sort of way. If they want to come around, that’s great. If not, well, their behavior is their choice, I suppose. So sad 🙁
I believe we have a bad situation on both sides of the family. My mom, I believe, is a full blown narcissist. She is verbally abusive and then blames me for being mean to her when I stand up for myself. She has helped us financially and then went and let other family members know how irresponsible we are and had to borrow money. I could go in and on for hours. She always denies she does any of it and claims I am mentally ill. I actually believed her until my husband was finally present to see these things first hand and confirm I was not imagining this behavior. My in-laws are not verbally abusive, but incredibly passive aggressive and offended at anything you say. So we have been forced to apologize for reasons we can’t even understand why just to stay in the family graces. They have an impaired child who has injured 2/3 of our children (not seriously but the intention was there) and we were cut out of their lives for a time because we believed they needed to have more control over that child. Our kids would cry when we went to visit out of fear. So we started arranging to see them when this child was not home but that was offensive to them too because we should just accept that he has these issues. I want peace and a close family unit but all of this difficulty has driven me to the point of wanting a divorce or to just die because I can’t handle the insanity. I feel guilty for wanting to break ties. There are also a lot of other very unhealthy issues there like an older sibling that is co-dependent with the mother and acts as if she is the mother/grandmother as well. They quit speaking to me for weeks after my husband, not me, told her that she is not the same as a grandmother. Then I stupidly end up being an open book hoping for closeness but it always bites me. It just comes from wanting a genuine parental relationship that I may never have. My husband and I have decided that our marriage and kids come first and want a fresh start. We are leaving the state in a few months – I feel like I will heal but all the guilt I am dealing with is overwhelming.
I h e a tough situation with siblings. My oldest sister keeps nocking me down to everyone even my own children. Her snide comments hurt. I’ve tried to clear the hurt. Forgive and leave. Even ignore but she keeps it up
She goes to the other siblings about me. She even has organized family reunions and trips without telling me the. Sent pictures of their time together. Or letting me know about a family reunion in the beginning then not send dates. Some of it is my fault. The one trip was changed to Las Vegas and I said I did t like that choice so maybe she figured I did t want to go. But the cruise was ridiculous. She was at my home with our mother the week before. Going over and over about her cruise to Alaska when all along she was going with my other two siblings and spouses. I never knew a out it. Until I needed my other sister concerning my mom and she was on vacation too. To find out they told me they were together on trip because it was sisters time share. But then months later she sent a calendar with pictures not only of the two but my brother too. I lost it. I was so hurt. She called to apologize for lying about it but felt it was best because I take care of our mother and I wouldn’t have been able to go anyway.
Really. Anyway my mom is dying. In my home. My siblings are coming into say their good byes I guess. Although we have a large house they are all staying in a hotel. I practically begged my one sister to stay with me but the eldest got them all in a hotel together. So I won’t get actual help from them. I’m getting sick about it I got on line for help In this situation.
Thanks for the verses. Thanks to know family issues. My family’s says it’s jealousy. Or I convict her spiritually. Not that I’m perfect but we try to live under GOD. HIS principles.
They all wa Ted mom in a nursing home expdctially whenever I sought help from the. ITS A Continual converstion that I took mom on it’s my problem We decked it was the right thing to do. biblically fist but just the right thing. And honestly it’s one of the best things we have done
They are all coming here within the next 48 hours. We all live in different states Please versus help me. And I have read the boundaries book and it is excellent. It’s hard when it’s your heart laying out there with your family because you want the acceptance. I think I don’t feel excepted by my siblings. So God be with you all thanks for listening.
My sister did the same thing to me just last week. I wish it had happened decades ago. I hadn’t realized that she is a textbook narcissist, until now. The hurt and humiliation of being cut out of friends and family events all these years could have been avoided. Her manipulation of my children, siblings, and my mom, has been the most hurtful. My dad died a long time ago, but he wasn’t fooled by her at all.
Praise God, she finally overdid it. My brothers and my daughter were right there for me.
I have broken contact with my only sister for good. Unless she has a Road to Damascus experience, I’m done with her.
I hope you find a way to deal with your situation too. You aren’t alone, for sure. Prayers for you. 😉
My husbands sister adopted my daughter and set rules we had to follow; stay drug free for six months, go to mental health therapist, to be in a good positive mood and outlook on life, it took us over a year to satisfy them and after not seeing our daughter for a year and a half we finally get to see her two days after christmas 2018 for 1 hour. And now we cant ever see her again because my husbands sister cant handle the fact that our daughter remembered who we were.
After two weeks after we seen our daughter i get a text message saying we are taking the professionals advice and ending our relationship with you and ended the text with dont ever contact us again. Please i need help what are your thoughts
I’m so sorry to hear that. That must be heartbreaking! Have you been able to start implementing the changes they requested of you? To stay drug free and see a mental health therapist?
These struggles are real. After being led to this site as a part of some study I am conducting, I found myself looking at my life. There are many people that take advantage of my the kindness and service of my wife. She has a heart of gold and has a hard time saying no. These people are toxic in that they use her and then dismiss her when she is done doing what they needed.
I found your page because of a situation my sister just wrote me about. She had her DNA done and now a cousin’s daughter who seems to have severe mental health problems has written her many, many times by e-mail. She is recounting horrible tales of sexual abuse and my sister is just overwhelmed. She feels guilty not to answer her, and the girl has asked for her phone number now. What is the right thing to do? (I’m planning on testing my DNA, too, so I may be next on her list of correspondents.
Reading these stories help me so much to know I am not alone. I virtually have no family members or relatives. I was born to toxic parents, in a home full of drugs, alcohol, domestic violence, suffered mental, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. When I finally cut ties for my mental health.. mom slandered me on social media for years to where all the relatives think I’m bad for standing up for myself. Their toxicity has affected every part of my life.. It’s been debilitating to say the least. Still I’m always the one to reach out and extend Grace because I want to do what God wants me to do but I get confused between protecting myself and trying to extend Grace to my detriment. Guess I just need permission to know that God is not mad at me for protecting myself. This has been a lifelong struggle and I just want to do what God wants me to do.
Aww, that must have been so difficult to go through! And yeah, unfortunately, it’s not just you 🙁
It is sad that so many of us were raised by parents that claim to be Christians and treat their children so horribly. I too was raised by a narcissistic christian Mother, who dotted on my elder sister and definitely played favorites. My sister could do no wrong and I could do no right. For many years I grappled with the “Honor thy Mother and Father” commandment and prayed to God for what I was supposed to do. After reading about Narcissistic Mothers and understanding what my Mother was all about, I grieved my childhood and then I forgave her and went low contact. For those of you who don’t know what that is, I simply sat back and quit getting angry at her for how unfairly she acts. She will never, ever change. I refuse to let her get a rise out of me and most importantly I quit telling her anything personal about me or my family that she could use as ammunition later. Luckily I live in another state so I don’t have to see her face-to-face except every couple of years. I call her once a week and keep the phone conversations superficial focusing on the weather or some other safe topic. I refuse to talk about other family members, especially my sister, and I will casually change the subject if she persists. I don’t think she has a clue what I’m doing and it has taken so much stress off of me when I talk to her. Sure I’d love to have a mother that really cares about what I’m doing and what her Grandchild is up to, but in reality she is not that kind of Mother. I just keep it at “We’re all doing great, just fine. How are you?”. No details, nothing good or bad. Trust me this really works, but it may be kind of hard at first because you are not used to it. However… and this is the most important part of going low contact, is that you can never, ever, tell her what you are doing. I go low contact to survive, not shame or hurt her. Everyone sins, even parents, and my Mother will have to answer to God someday. I will let God be the judge and jury on my Mother. I still love her, but I can’t allow myself to be consumed with her behavior. I hope this helps.
Wow. That’s very admirable and mature of you that you’re able to still keeping talking to her on the phone every week. I’m so happy to hear that it is possible to still have somewhat of a relationship (even if its a superficial one) when family members are this way. <3
Done and seeking a new way,
Reading all of this has helped.
I am going through similar sadness.
I have truly tried the Christian way , even early on with boundaries with my parents mostly and siblings.
I was very aware from earliest remembrance that something was terribly wrong in my house and family. Extreme dysfunction . The abuse was very physical, mental etc.
was always aware I was not wanted.
The favorite used in dealing the blows.
The outcome, messed up people.
My father and mother eventually divorced. He then went on to remarry and destroy more people.
During all this I married started a family and knew if we were to survive with are little family, we needed to away to another state.
It helped for a time.
But as I became a Christian and lived a totally different life. It was picked apart.
The damage began.
My mother who had also remarried now was still a bitter person. She could never stop talking about my dad and all that we went through and how it was all his fault.
But saw others too.
My father was abusive and asked for forgiveness.
I gave it. With boundaries and stipulations not only for myself but my children as well.
My mother. Continues to hurt me . And my stepfather is a huge problem. He gets strife going and gossips to hurt me.
How I know? Because the favorite, my sister. Loves to tell me how stupid I am . How they all sit and plot and laugh at me.
My family have one goal, to separate my children from me.
So they made sure to help my son (who is a pastor) and his wife (who they quickly turned against me) my step dad stays very close to her ear and loves on her in a way that is disturbing.
When I’m all there company at gatherings they set out to get me upset. Because the old me would level them all. But the new me tries to smile and keep turning cheeks.
My sister will bring up things from childhood to make herself the center of attention and poor me , my sister is evil. Of course she is lying.
But if I defend myself, I look bad.
When I don’t stand up for myself, I am ridiculed and laughed at. I go away hurt and wind up closed off in my room crying for weeks.
The pain from my mom, step dad and sister is done to destroy me. My daughter had seen it for years. And wants nothing to do with any of them to date. But what hurts is my son knows but continues.
My parents have tried to become their parents and are now taking the place in our grandchildren’s lives as well.
They help move them from where we all live as a family unit to where they are.
I know there is a whole lot I’m not telling but if I did , it would paint an even more evil picture.
I think I’m done. I’m at a crossroads . Asking God, is it finally time to end this?
Honestly, you don’t have to let anyone in your life you don’t want to — especially if they’re actively hurting you and your family. I think the “Boundaries” book I mentioned in this post would really help you. It goes into a LOT more detail, with all the Biblical support.
I scrolled through many of theses comments looking for a similar situation to mine. And unfortunately I found several with similar stories.
A few differences that I have and would love wisdom on is that my mother, sister and myself have always been extremely close. My mom raised us both in church and we always have been there for each other. After my sister married she moved about an hour away so it made it difficult to spend time together frequently and then throwing kids schedules in the mix made it more difficult. My sister just recently went through a divorce and two months after moving out she has new ‘friend’. Needless to say I had some reservations about this whole ordeal and it being so soon. But my mom and sister have started make snide remarks to me about being judgmental and ‘holier than thou’ because I have not been agreement with how fast things have been happening. And now my nephews birthday party is coming up and there is a possibilty that we might not be able to attend bc of my own sons sports schedule. I know I will catch all heck if we are not able to make it. The little remarks keep adding up and I am trying to just keep my mouth shut and not retaliate bc that to me would just fuel their fire more. I have started keeping my conversations very surface and to not share to much personal information about anything! Which is hurtful, bc we have always been able to talk about anything. But now when I say anything or offer my opinions or hurt feelings, they get twisted and one runs and tells the other.
I want to show mercy and love, but I also dont want to enable this reoccurring behavior in them.
Reading all of the comments sure does tell me I am not alone! Different from most of the comments, we have the opposite in my family, where my sister has spent her life hating our mother and getting all of us kids (one brother and another sister) against her. Blames her gambling, bi-polar, narcissim, bad decisions, pathological lying, and pretty much everything she does and has done on our mother. Mom is not perfect and has admitted she was more of an Authoritarian parent due to a divorce which in her time was looked down upon. She said she didn’t want to be known for raising bad kids so she was super strict with us. But you know what? We are all over 55 years old now, while 3 of the 4 of us have gone on to deal with our childhood, make amends with our mother, and be successful, our sister is stuck in the Victim Mentality rut and is firmly rooted in it. Sadly she has convinced my brother and brainwashed him into believing all of her lies about our Mom! Also, we recently stopped paying her phone bill after 4 years (“i’ll get my finances together one of these days” – “I didnt ask for you to pay for my phone but I need one to contact the school about my young son and his father won’t get me one”) while she played the victim because she mismanages her money and puts her alcoholic abusive boyfriend and money before anything. Us asking for her to pay us back opened a huge can of worms and now she has said that it is my sister and i who have torn the family apart, and my brother believes it. ON and on for days I could go on how she’s damaged our family (swindled over $38,00 from two members and thousands in small increments from the rest of us), lost all of her friends, gambles away any money she gets, lies and lies and lies, but denies she has any problems, its all of us not her! After 30 years of asking and begging her to get help or allowing us to help her (she went to gambling treatment for 30 days then left, just because we busted her in a lie about money), so we sometimes feel like prayer is her only hope right now and that and act of God is about the only thing that can help. I honestly think she is possessed by demons. When we bring up God she does all she can to disprove Him, yet says shes read the Bible 8 times, I haven’t even read the Bible 8 times! A good soul but in bondage. This summer we are offering group counseling to try to resolve this, please pray for us! We are at our wits ends…..thanks for listening….
I am in the midst of a difficult time with my mom. Unlike many of you, my childhood was pretty good. The only thing out of the norm was the lack of social growth because my mom didn’t like my friends to come over after church and didn’t allow me to go off with friends. I was raised in a Christian home. My dad was a humble, well respected man who lived the Christian life through his actions, and seldom confronted Mom. I was an only child.
Fast forward twenty five years…my mom and her sister had a bitter confrontation about an inheritance, my grandmother sided with the sister, and my mom was left on the outside. I remember my grandmother reaching out to Mom several times to work on things, but Mom was so hurt she never responded. From that time on, Mom would find reasons to lash out at me and others in her life, often for something that had was not as it seemed to her. She is now 89 years old, and the attacks on me have accelerated. My Dad went to Heaven nearly 20 years ago.
I am a “rededicated” Christian; after years of living life with God on the outside, He brought me to my knees during a nasty divorce. My life and attitudes have done a “360”. I have remarried , and my husband is a minister. I have a great relationship with my children and step children. It is this fact that really sets her off. I travel 400 miles to visit here every month, do what I can to help, and really try to get along with her ( being quiet works well). Now she takes things I say or write and constructs a story that makes me look bad and gives her sympathy from others. The latest thing is her telling me not to contact her by phone because I upset her and she can’t sleep, not to visit for several months ( until the month of her birthday) and continually tells me how much I Have hurt her. No matter how much I try to explain , she sees it as being disrespectful, and says she wishes I was the little girl I used to be. I am studying Boundaries and find it very helpful. I pray for God to soften her heart but have to keep my distance per her request. When I write, I keep them short and don’t bring up the hurt. The only people who know what she is doing are my cousin and the family who runs her business. Any suggestions?
I had no idea that so many people deal with difficult or toxic parents. Most blogs/posts are geared towards the adult child being mean and disrespectful to the parent. Wonderful to see that there are those who understand and have solutions/advice for the adult children who are treated hurt fully by their parents.
My situation is a little different , in that my mom was pretty normal when I was growing up. I was an only child and enjoyed the love and care of Christian parents. However, my mom changed when she was hurt by her mom and sister in an inheritance dispute 40 years ago. I am one of many people that have felt her frustration and hurt.
Her relationship with me is steadily getting more strained and hurtful. It used to be that she would attack me for something I did or said that was considered offensive. Now she uses a single phrase to create a story, and no matter how much I try to explain she won’t acknowledge that she misunderstood. She was very opposed to my remarriage, which was 9 years after a painful divorce. Instead of seeing this as a chance to have happiness again, she has treated my husband very coldly and makes it clear she doesn’t want to hear about anything we do. Then she attacked one of my children because she forgot to send her a birthday card. That resulted in a huge confrontation about showing partiality. She “banished” me for three months and during that time she rewrote her will to make sure my daughter nor me received anything at her death.
The latest assault was about me joining my husband and SIL at the beach following a visit to her home. I learned two things….she wishes I was who I used to be, she’s upset that we can’t agree on things, and that she didn’t like my remarriage because he had been married before. I made a one day, 400 mile trip on Mothers Day to take her to lunch, only to hear the same attacks over again. She has told me not to visit or call her at all until September ( her birthday).
I can’t discuss this with most people…I’m nearly 65 years old and many of my friends have lost their mothers and can’t understand my pain. My choice has been to pray for her, respect her wishes, and leave her alone. I am a two time cancer survivor and it hurts that she doesn’t want to know how I am, nor anything about me.I have read the book Boundaries and it is indeed helpful. Any other suggestions for me? My mom is almost 89 and still able to drive and go where she needs ( within 10 mile) radius.
What if the Toxic person in your life is an Adult Child? That is what we are dealing with and have been for over 15 years. She is now 34 years old and we have finally had to say that we can’t have any contact with her. She was destroying our home, our marriage and her younger brother. As Christian parents we have tried everything to make things work and keep our family together. We have gone to counseling with her, forgiven over and over again, bent over backwards to try to appease her and yet nothing means anything to her. She is completely self absorbed, manipulative, and sometimes devious with absolutely no remorse for anything she has said or done. We never know what is truth and what is a lie. Our family just could not continue with her disruptive behaviour. The hard part has been that most of the extended family has no idea how she truly is because is the masterful at being wonderful and perky and so happy around the extended family and we have tried to keep our struggle within our small family unit, not expressing everything to our families. So they don’t understand why we have taken this step. So our struggle now is do we try to explain the nightmare we have been living for the past 15 years or do we continue to keep this to ourselves. Of course she is voicing her side and make her dad and I look like demons, but we are trying to take the high road, not talking about her negatively to family and praying for guidance. It has been very difficult and we have questioned what kind of parents could we be to take this step. We are trying to put God First, then our marriage, which as I said previously we had reached a point we were ready to separate because of all the conflict she was causing. I just don’t know. But I do know since we have taken that step our marriage is healing, we are finding ourselves closer to God and our church family, who we have reached out to and they have been a true blessing.
My relationship with my mother is very complicated. My father passed away 10 years ago, when I was 18. At the time I was working for a program out of the country, I came home for a couple of weeks, but felt the need to finish. I asked my mother at the time and she said it was ok for me to go back. Came home a few months later and stayed for almost a year. Then moved back to join a Christian non-profit for three years. I ended up finding my husband and moving across the country from my mom to start our lives. My mom made some very bad choices in these 10 years- broke the law, became an alcoholic, began a toxic relationship with a boyfriend, abandoned God and even had her boyfriend around when I would come home to visit, who was very questionable with me sexually and never said anything. (actually my older brother stepped in a few times to make sure he knew he was being inappropriate). Although the last few years since I started having children (I have two boys) I made a big point to keep my mother involved in our lives. I went out to visit her up to 5 times a year and would have her come here for several weeks, but she is EXTREMELY controlling. She has come back to God, but has very weird ideals and beliefs. I do not share in those, but she acts as if I am an idiot because I am not weary of the Government, health care, school systems and that I will ruin my children lives but trusting in those things. She is extremely disrespectful to me and my husband, to the point with my first child I asked her not to be in the room when I delivered because my husband didn’t feel comfortable and she did not listen to our wishes and came in anyways. She was willing to put her daughter that was giving birth in one of the most awkward situations with A LOT of tension between her and my husband, just because she believed that I needed her and that’s what she wanted. And good Christian girls will allow their mothers in the delivery room and basically never say no to their wishes. Now my mother in is prison for the next 3 years and is asking to live with me and my husband when she gets out. We live in a 3 bedroom very small home with 4 of us. I’ve told her over and over that I do not feel comfortable with this as I truly do not know if my marriage could handle the stress, or want to put my children through the negativity or stress that my mother brings into play. I’ve let her stay at my house for weeks on end, and the fighting never seems to end, its stressful and very tension filled regardless of any attempts of talking things thru, my mother acts like a 5 year old when we get in fights and usually says hurtful things. The last time I didn’t want her to hold my two week old because she just smoked a cigarette and she called me a bad mother and stormed to her room and slammed the door… anyways she is making me feel as though I am not following God by saying no to her living in my home. She says I am extremely hurtful to her and that I am not following God by taking care of the elderly. The guilt I feel is unreal because I do truly love my mother, and though things have been hard I have made a commitment that no matter how toxic she is I will remain in relationship with her and let her be with my kids, but I do not think that living with me is wise. I do not know what to do or how to handle this. I feel wrong for saying no, and I am in immense emotional distress over this whole thing. She has other family members who have expressed that they will take her in, but has made it clear she wants to live with me. She even went as far as to say she is going to ask my in laws to live with them if I say no. (SO UNCOMFORTABLE!!!!) I do not know what to do, or how to be, or even what to say?? I don’t know the right thing in Gods eyes and where to lay down my foot…
Hi I read your story, and I don’t think you should let your mother live with you. You have to do what is healthy for your family and not let all the stress your mother would bring hurt your family ask your husband if you can tell your mom that he says no to this that way your mom can’t blame you for any of this, hope it go’es well for you and remember God is not the confuser but the one who brings peace there would be too much stress and no peace if you were to let your mom live in your home and you would be hurting your family that wouldn’t be Gods will hope this helped!
I really appreciate this article so much. My husband is the one who googled something related to “toxic family Christian” and this was one of the top sites suggested.
I have just recently come to the realization that I have toxic parents (I am 25 yo). I haven’t had a stellar relationship with my parents since I became a Christian at 16. They are culturally Christian, but do not abide in the teachings of Jesus, nor do they know Him or love Him. As a teenager, I was trying to figure out what this life was about through the new biblical worldview that I had after being saved. I sought discipleship and direction from my parents (I thought they were believers at the time), but my questions just produced a lot of insecurity in them, which turned into anger and division. Since I wasn’t getting fed at home, I went to the woman who led me to Jesus and asked for her help. My mother quickly grew jealous of our relationship and accused me of wanting this woman to be my mother instead of her… This is one of the hinge moments that I can look back on and see where the toxicity of my parents started coming out.
Fast forward to today, our relationship has digressed. About two months ago, my mother (she is a feelings “stuffer”) completely lost it on me and spent about two hours telling me everything that she hates about me. My dad later joined in. They were harsh and so mean. Saying things that are unthinkable to me (being a new mother to an infant daughter myself). My mother told me that she hopes I have a bad relationship with my daughter so that I know how it feels. My dad said that he expects my husband and me to divorce. Both of them accused me of stripping the childhood from my kid (she’s 6 mo) because I’m not going to tell her that Santa Clause is real. Both of them said that my wedding was a complete embarrassment to them and that my mother cried the whole way home (my pastor preached a sermon on Psalm 145 and we sang two worship songs – this was the embarrassing part apparently). They both claimed that I can’t keep a friend, and challenged me by asking if I even talk to any of the women in my bridal party to this day (one is my neighbor whom I visit every day, and I have seen or spoken to the others in the previous month – two are overseas on long-term mission trips). They even went as far as to compare me to my brother, saying I should be more like him in certain ways. I love my brother and have a good relationship with him, so I think this tactic was meant to divide us or just be another wound to inflict upon me.
Anyway, this conversation was the third encounter with them over the course of three months that led to this type of banter. My dad even kicked me out of the house (while I was holding my 4 mo in my arms) because I made my mother cry by telling her that I felt like she wasn’t there for me as a teenager (my attempt at trying to air out my feelings towards her). She asked me when our relationship went sour, so I told her…
So, after many years of submitting, I have decided to draw boundaries with my family. These boundaries haven’t been communicated yet. I am not sure how to bring them up because, in my family, once a fight is over, you forgive and forget it. This is a huge reason why my parents are so toxic. They live under the umbrella of “I can say anything I want to you, even if it is hurtful, and you will forgive me by tomorrow morning and I will do the same for you”. But forgiveness never comes, as I experienced the last time I went to their house and they told me about all the horrible things I put them through as a child growing up, which I didn’t even know they were holding against me (some things going all the way back to kindergarten!). So, according to this rule, I should have forgotten about these encounters by now. I cannot. They were so hurtful and full of venomous words. Trust is broken and there is little chance of it being restored if things continue down the same path. My daughter makes things a little more complicated though… My parents feel like they have a right to their grandchild, although I don’t agree whatsoever. I want them to know her, but I don’t know if I am able to go around them like they want us to.
Anyway, we are attending a birthday party for my nephew next weekend and I am anxious to see my parents. They are so unpredictable, but they mind their manners in public. It is important to save face with friends and extended family. My family has prided itself on being the picture-perfect, united American family. That is until Jesus came to “set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law” (Matt 10:35). I say that with joy! Take the world and give me Jesus!
Wow, that’s awful. I’m sorry you have to deal with that 🙁
I dont know if you will get this reply but I too have a very distant relationship with my mother who abandoned me when I was aroun4 or 5. She wishes to talk to me when she’s going through her stuff. But I dont like to be involved with co tant liars if I can avoid it. My children often tell lies. Occasionally my husband will lie and at times I’ll be honest I omit the truth which in turn IS a lie. But those are people i have to deal with, I can’t just ignore or do away with them when we share a roof. Bit my mom, brother, sister, or anyone else for that matter if they refuse to hear the type of conversations I find enlightening (Christ ) but want to talk about other people and gossip then no I dont want to be apart of that. Or if they want to dof another person out and use foul language then no I’m not going to be a part of that. We talk about life, about what’s going on in our lives about the weather , about God. But if its putting other people down or talking about them or dead conversations that dont edify God, teach about Him or glorify him i just rather not be involved in it. He saved me and I’m indebted to Him. So I do ALL I can to honor Him. I was told by my mother in law that “mama ALWAYS gonna come first and I know you all Holy and righteous but mama comes first.” She and her other children have found it to be a part of their rituals apparently to talk about me and my husband bc of our path towards living righteously. I dont like to attend their parties bc they play cecular music , dance dance provocatively curse smoke and drink and I don’t want to be around people like that I keep hearing the scripture they even though we live in this world we are not to be of this world nor keep company with fools and the fools are the people who don’t want Christ and there is a difference of knowing of Christ and knowing Christ.
i have been replaced by my cheating X wife by my family and told to get offtheir propery. now what? i am related to alomst everyone here!
Oh no, that is a really tough situation to be in. I’m so sorry you’re going through that. Praying for you.
I just found your article and agree we need to honor our parents but I have struggled with a very toxic, emotionally abusive mother for years. She has been married over 7 times and in multiple other relationships. I am her only child and have eight kids. I moved out and joined the military at seventeen intentionally to get away from her insanity. As an adult my husband and I wanted to have her close being her only child to care for her as she gets older. I have lived near her briefly multiple times as an adult and they all end with her blowing up at me,often in front of my children and leaving the STATE! WE don’t talk for years and then she reintegrates into life. This last time though I don’t know how to honer her anymore nor do I desire too – I know I am suppose to, just being honest. She completely disrespected my teen boys who had done an incredible amount of work for her and my family who had bent over backwards for her for a year. She did nothing by complain about how my oldest son and his wife did nothing but use her and how his wife was too needy. She lied to my husband and tried to destroy my marriage and the final straw is she has lied to my son and his wife (the ones she did nothing but complain about for a year) and they have not talked to use for over 10 months and they will not tell us why? Over what you wonder? She texted and stated ” I’m so glad I moved back here to have family help when I need it” I called becaue that was hurtful after all we did for the past year for her – she blew up, spent time with my oldest son’s wife that next week and guess what left the STATE! She has divided my family as well as stressed the relationships with my aunts and sister. So how, please tell me how do I honor her??? HOw do I handle that Biblically? I have missed holidays with my first grand daughter, missed the announcement of my second grandchild, miss events with my son and his siblings are missing them as well. Please someone tell me how to Biblically honor a woman who would do this to her own daughter, her ONLY daughter!
I am dealing with a toxic relationship with my in-laws…for 30 years they lived near us and we were always there to help. My in-laws ruined their business and talked my husband into starting a similar one so my father in law could work for him. They had been sued and lost everything accumulating a ton of debt. I found out that my father in law had a credit card (supposed to be for business) that he was using for personal…it was in my husbands name. They accumulated $10000 + on that card. When I called him out on his bad behavior, he was angry at me and got really nasty saying that he was going to take his wife and move to Texas to live near my SIL. They eventually did. We were wondering in our business why we weren’t having money to pay the bills like we should only to discover later on that he had take over $7000 cash from a client for materials but instead of putting it in the bank, he took it with him. We had no choice but to come up with the money ourselves (personal loan). For 3 years they sent my family members birthday cards and such (with money enclosed) and i got nothing. They only started sending me ones again the year our daughter was married. In his book he is never wrong, never apologizes for anything and only contacts when he wants us to do something for him. I am done with them…I treat them politely when I see them but they have made it perfectly clear by their actions that they are only thinking about themselves. He knows we know about the money he took but has never said anything about it. He is in his early 70’s but acts like a young kid that thinks he is entitled to stuff because he grew up poor. Claims to be a Christian but has said before that they have to go and do the “religious things” with my SIL and her family. I could go on and on. My husband is so different that sometimes I think he was adopted. My grown children see their behavior and really don’t want to be around them.
Setting “BOUNDARIES” not easy to do. Especially when you once lived a life without boundaries. A life filled with much sorrow and regret! Satisfying the flesh and reaping the consequences of sins deceit! I truly surrendered my life to the Lord (repentance included), but still have encounter the whirl wind of my choice now through my children, grandchildren, and now 2 beautiful great grandchild few months hold may someday experience same things (signs are already there)! My heart just breaks!! .
I know,” I have been forgiven much and because of this, I too need to forgive much.” Not my will but his will be done, the Holy Spirit will continue to work in me until He calls me home.
Yet, their selfishness and their mannerism is such to a point, I have allowed too much to go buy without setting any boundaries; do to the fear of loosing the family I so love and adore! I have repeatedly expressed my failures as a mother to my daughters. My husband and I through the grace of God, provided them and my grandchildren an abundance of unconditional love always forgiving their shortcoming, and providing much to sustain them as single parents. Yet, they have tried to lay false guilt trips on me. I feel exactly as this is stated here; “For example, they don’t visit me unless they need favors and they brush my concerns aside when I try to share how their actions make me feel. My feelings are minimized, dismissed and discarded many times! It’s hurtful.”
I’m so sorry you’re going through that.
Thank you for this article, and for everyone who has shared their experiences. It helps to read about others that have similar experiences in dealing with toxic family members. I find that it’s very difficult as a Christian to walk the fine line between turning the other cheek and enabling emotionally abusive behaviour. I was seeking advice on how to demonstrate Christ’s love and forgiveness in my family (mostly my mother and sister) but still protecting my own peace and setting healthy boundaries. What I am distinctly aware of is how satan will try to torment you through your unsaved family members. This is spiritual warfare!! Unrepented, sinful and hateful hearts against God are unfortunately puppets for the enemy. I still love my family members, I pray for their salvation the most. Without the transformation of Christ in their hearts, you will be trying to reconcile problems/issues with satan – as this is who they are controlled by. To not set healthy boundaries with anyone who is under satan’s control is very dangerous. I think that’s why we are told to wipe the dust off our feet, or why Jesus asks who is our mother, father, etc. Our brothers and sisters in Christ is our true family. I think we are placed in our toxic families to be a witness to them – but also so they do not have an excuse when they stand before God, as they heard/knew about the Lord through us. Hanging on to abusive people is only a sign that we have not healed, and still crave their acceptance. I am so saddened that I may never have the relationships I truly desire with my family members, but that is not something I alone can fix. God is Healer. Let’s continue to pray for them, as they are lost. But also remember that it is important to recognize the spiritual warfare aspect to every relationship we have on this earth, and to pray for our own protection and healing as well. In my opinion, limiting time/energy spent on toxic people is essential for your own well-being. I am still struggling on how to do it, it’s so hard, but we can navigate anything with Christ. I think we have to remind ourselves often that it’s not our job to heal someone else, it’s God’s. We can pray, and work on our own issues, but we can’t force anyone else to change. Sometimes loving someone means being honest with them about their behaviour and not tolerating emotional abuse from them, so they can learn what is acceptable behaviour and maybe be motivated to change. Accepting/understanding that has helped me. God bless you all.
I have read through this whole entire post, and although there have been some very good advice given, this by far in my opinion, is one of the BEST advice given throughout.
• We all are having “Spiritual Warfare” which means you MUST HAVE HEAVY PRAYER TIME before seeing any one of these TOXIC individuals. Know who we are dealing with, “satan”. He is no match for you! He came to destroy, divide, concur and kill …. The only way to deal with him is through HEAVY PRAYER TIME BEFORE THE THRONE OF GOD. Satan knows all your weaknesses… all your Buttons to push… PRAY YOURSELF UP PRAY UP PRAY UP Ask the Holy Spirit for Knowledge, Wisdom, Guidance, and LOTS OF PROTECTION!!!! Before you go anywhere to be in their presence, you and your husband, pray together as a “Support Team” for one another. If you are alone, try to take a Godly friend along, who can pray for you. Or ask that friend to pray for you while you are gone. If you don’t have a friend to go with you, than PRAY for the Holy Spirit (pray to the H/S regardless), to be upon you, with you, anoint you, to give you the words you need to speak, the WISDOM, the BOLDNESS, and know the actions you must take, should you need to act on whatever.
• We MUST pray at all times, asking God for Healing our Emotions, our Stress, Anxieties, etc. Take each TOXIC member that is hindering your walk with God, and in prayer ask God to point out what you need to do when such and such comes up, or HAPPENS. Know what you will do, what you will say, what your next plan of action is going to be … prior to engaging, PERIOD. Whether it be on the phone, in person, on fb, texting, no matter.
• Know YOUR PLAN, ASK God/Holy Spirit to show and guide you to the way. Prior to meeting write out what you might say, b/f it happens. Think it through … Practice makes Perfect…. keep practicing…. You have all the Heavenly people to help you, to pray for you, to support you through whatever…. – Blessed Mother, Moses, Joseph, David, Jacob, Job, etc. all the Saints, all of God’s Angels to call on, to help you through whatever battles you may face. Use them! Direct them to go and Soften Loved Ones Hearts, get them to go b/f you to get all Infections and Toxicity out! Do this in Jesus’ name, tell satan to go where the sun doesn’t shine, which means– to hell and stay there! Ask the Holy Angels of God to take care of you and yours, to protect you and yours, from all satan’s demons and ask God’s Angels to do the battling for you.
• We MUST set Strict Boundaries and to continue to enforce them, at all times and at all costs! Sometimes that may mean moving away, MOVING to another State entirely, staying away for months and maybe years at a time, and/or to just , maybe entertain minimum limited visits!
• We MUST forgive but that does not mean, being a punching mat or continuing to allow our heads knocked in, and than feeling guilty for taking a stand against crappy behavior, or allowing ourselves and our families to continue being beaten up. Enabling them to continue in this poisonous and deadly manners.
• Do Not Enable Toxic Behaviors to continue, period. Should any type of bad behaviors starts up. Immediately remove yourself, your family — entirely away from that home, If you say something as a warning, be absolutely clear about what your next step is going to be, and be absolutely certain to follow through with actions of leaving., or with whatever your consequences are going to be.
Hello! I am also dealing with several toxic family members as well. I have an abusive father. He was physically and verbally abusive to my mother, his ex girlfriend, and me when I was younger. The first big events of abuse towards me happened between the ages of 5 and 6. During this time there was lots of tension and family feuds. Eventually the courts got involved and after some therapy I decided to see him again when I was 10. Those were the worst years of my live. He went from physically abusive to mentally and verbally, since he could get serious penalties for further physical abuse. During this time he was physically abusing his ex-girlfriend. I was stuck seeing him as the court order said that both of us had to agree to stop seeing each other, when he got mad at me he would say he didn’t want to see me anymore but when it the time came to go through with it he would retract what he said. Fast forward to me being 17 and another incident happens, not as bad as the first couple I had as a child, but enough that still traumatized me. I finally put my foot down, not caring about the order since I was nearly 18 anyways, and I stopped seeing him. Tensions on his side of the family has risen. My aunt keeps telling me that I am disobeying Jesus because I am not “honoring my mother and father,” and that I have to see him for Jesus to save me, and if I don’t Jesus will not bless me with good things in my life. I tell her that I am not going to be a punching bag and that he has not changed like thought he did, as he physically abused my mother (often I witnessed what he did to her) and the girl friend he had after my mother and the incidents with me. She blames his past abuse on alcohol and him not being able to control his anger. Every time we see each other we get into the same argument. When I tell her I don’t want to talk about it she brings it up anyways. She also claims that I am being very unfair to her and my grandparents because I refuse to show up to family events he is at, as several incidents happened with them around. Am I can’t take it anymore. Am I dishonoring God by refusing to see my abusive father?
Not at all. The Bible does NOT tell us we should be a punching bag. That’s just enabling him to continue sinning. This podcast might be helpful to you: https://youtu.be/iFoC6l6bK6E
My husband and I have been in therapy for years over my in laws. We have been together for almost 13 years and married for almost 10. My MIL is very critical and my FIL barely talks or he’s yelling- there isn’t much in between. I tried at the beginning to get to know them but my effort was met with them being critical or disinterest. They have always expected us to do whatever they say and we should never question them. They view “family” as a hierarchy and most of the reasons for demanding things on us was “it’s family- you should do it” it has nothing to do with how they treated us. It got to the point that they were disrespectful of the decisions that my husband and I made for our family. I do think my husband and I messed up because we never told them how they were making us until it became a breaking point for me. It was hard for us because they are not good communicators and they don’t see things outside of their own view points so they would come stay with us for the weekend and make a rude comment on Friday and we wouldn’t address it in order not to ruin the entire weekend. Looking back we regret this very
much because we think we made the situation worse by not staying ahead of the problem. It got really bad once we started having children and they felt they were entitled to whatever they wanted. This is when therapy started pretty regularly because we needed tools to set some healthy boundaries. They did not respond well to any of this and if anything we took steps backwards and got to the point where we had to distance ourselves from them because it was extremely unhealthy environment. They will not apologize or take any accountability for the situation and because of that we have struggled to move forward. We haven’t spoken to them in a year and a half at this point. The mom sends texts on birthdays and holidays pretending as if nothing is wrong meanwhile playing the victim to her entire family. I started reading the Bible and going to church and working so hard on forgiveness- I’ll think I’m taking a step in the right direction then I’ll receive a text pretending like nothing is wrong and I feel upset all over again. I want to understand them and I do to a certain extent (how they were raised, what it would be like when my son leaves and cleaves to his wife, etc) I know those things will be hard but I can’t imagine anything that I wouldn’t do to be a part of my child’s life. Obviously my husband wants this to be different but he knows it can not continue down this path. It feels very hopeless. I want to do the right thing but I don’t know how to be around them (share my precious children with them) when they treat me the way they do- it’s been 13 years- I’m not sure I can ever trust them not to hurt me. I do believe both of my in laws are covert narcissist and are not capable of communicating in order to get to the heart of the problem- they pretend that nothing is wrong in hope that it will just go away. We have never raised our voice or been disrespectful (they would say we have but it would only be because we said no to something they felt entitled too) we have always been kind, delivered our messages very clearly and even coached them on what we needed to move forward but NOTHING works. My husband is so hopeful that something will change but he dreads dealing with them because they are so unreasonable. They entire family says to us “this is how they are, they aren’t going to change, how can you cut them off from the kids” We tried therapy (once) and I truly believe they only went to that because they thought the therapist would tell me I am wrong and when he didn’t we never went back. I am currently pregnant with my third child and I am very fearful that when they find out they will reach out and ruin another birth for me. I am due on Christmas Day and even if they reached out tomorrow with a heart felt apology (which I highly doubt) but if they did I do think it would help me to forgive them but I feel like reconciliation would still take a lot of time because I do not trust them not to hurt me. I don’t want to hurt my husband especially because he wants to be hopeful that they will change- with that being said he would not make me include them in the birth because of how they acted in the past. What I really struggle with is I am at total peace and anxiety free with out them- I’m not really sure I want a relationship with them- there’s just so much damage. Am I being a bad Christian? Is there anything else I can do to heal? If there is I don’t know what it is?
I would honestly encourage you to see a Christian counselor about this — on your own, not with them. This is a lot to deal with and not something you’re going to find enough great advice on on the Internet. 🙁 I definitely don’t blame you for wanting to limit your contact, though!
It’s good to realize that I’m not the only one that is having family issues. I’m looking for a good Christian community (be it a forum, blog, chat, whatever) where I can talk about life and issues with other Christians. I feel like I just can’t find what I’m looking for and I feel like I don’t belong anywhere in this world. I’ve always been somewhat of a loner and a very old-souled person. My family isn’t who they seemed to be my whole life and is imploding at the moment. I guess I’m looking for Christian advise and guidance but it’s too much to lay out her.
Hi Jennifer! We’d love to have you come join the Equipping Godly Women Facebook page. We have some pretty good discussions over there :). As for Christian friends, are you currently attending church? Is there a women’s Bible study you could join? Or a small group?
I kept telling myself that God doesn’t want me to be unhappy, which is what I’ve been in dealing with my step-daughter for the past 27 years. I finally had to cut her out of my life due to the hatefulness that surfaced during our last blow-up. Her sense of entitlement and judgemental comments were the final straw. We live in the same town and her father still interacts with her and her children, but I have nothing to do with that, and frankly, I feel a lot happier because of it. I don’t go out of my way to be hateful, and I have no problem with my husband’s involvement in their lives, my life is just better without her in it. I don’t miss her at all, in fact, I wish I’d done this sooner. Does that make me a bad Christian woman?
Unfortunately, some people are just toxic and have to do what you think is best. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with that!
Have you ever seen the movie The Step Mother? That is how my story is with my step children. My husband and I have a blended family and have been married since the children were in the early single digit years. I was always expected to be a mother who dropped the step, but the children were never expected to do the same. So, my side comes from where some of my children are very toxic. Where my children that I brought into the marriage calls my husband “Dad,” though he is not their biological father, the others just refer to me by my first name. I dealt with that all through out our marriage and felt like an outsider. Yet, I treated them the same as my biological children. We never talked about their other parent in front of them when we were upset with them, because we felt that divorced people should not put their child in the middle. The child usually loves both parents equally with unconditional love. I always thought we had good relationships until they were adults. After all, 2 out of three moved in with us before becoming an adult. Two of the children just want to hurt me, because they say some pretty awful things, yet they do not say this to their father. Example: “Your husband is nothing more than a sperm donor and you are his wife. You win. You can have him. I don’t want to ever see you again.” There was more to that, that was more ugly, but you get the idea. I have tried to look at it from their angle. I came into their lives after their parents were divorced, and they thought of me as an intruder. I am sure that a lot of what they felt for me and my husband came from being instilled in them from their mothers. The mothers felt we did not do enough. We paid our child support, and because my husband worked late, I would pick the girls up every other weekend, in two separate towns that consisted of a 3 1/2 hour drive. If their mothers had something to do that weekend, they didn’t let them come to the house. We never got our holidays with them, we always had to schedule ours around them. We didn’t have the money that the other parents had, so big gifts for ALL the kids came at Christmas and on birthdays. Vacations always included them or we didn’t go. My children were like set on a shelf until they came to visit. Yet, the girls felt they never got enough attention or gifts from us. They felt my biological kids were favored. The rules for my biological children were the same as for them. We raised them to know God, but though my bio children are following God, the others are not. It continued into adulthood. If we did not do things the way they wanted, they would cut us off. We were constantly apologizing for words said in arguments, and our part in it. Many times we got, “It is what it is.” The one child who called my husband a sperm donor got a divorce after 15 years of marriage. We were shocked! We didn’t even know they were having problems. She had a had a boyfriend for some time. She sent a group text to all the family letting them know it was happening. My husband told her he thought she was making a mistake and that they needed to try to work through it. All he could think about was what the girls went through as kids and didn’t want our grandchildren going through the same thing. He told her he loved her and if she needed to talk he was there. We never heard from them for months. Finally the father of our grandchildren called us and said the kids wanted to see us and he invited us to a soccer game. We wanted to handle this right because we knew she would be there, and she had cut us off over my husband telling her he thought she was making a mistake. We sought counsel and they told us, not talk about it if it was brought up. If she tried to start a fight walk away. Go with who invited you. That is when she used it as ammo to hit us. Mostly she sent me ugly text and never addressed her father. I was about to explode over the bad text but I did not say anything. I prayed. That was hard for me. Then my husband started having problems with his heart and ended up with specialists. During the hospital stays, my two children took off work to come to him. They stayed in contact by phone wanting to know what the doctor said. They would take turns being with me when he had a procedure or surgery. He never got a phone call from none of his children through all of this. He finally got a text from his daughter that I spoke of, saying, ” I wanted to say, I am sorry for any part I may have played in this. I didn’t like because you came to the soccer game with my ex husband and supported him and not me. But it is what it is.” We did not support the ex husband, he just made sure when the kids said they would like to see us, he brought them over for a visit, which was three times in 2 years. Anyway, I began to pray that our family would get back together and get past all this. I prayed we would be reunited. Well, two started trying to get together with us but would say things like, “It is going to take time to form a relationship with you again, but I am willing to try.” Then, the same old thing would start over again. I would start getting attacked. I felt like I had PTSD from my step children! I started praying, “God, I am not sure what is going on, but I am having a hard time with this.” That is when he spoke to my heart and told me I was praying wrong. I shouldn’t be praying that they be reunited with me, I needed to be praying that they be reunited with him. WOW! That was powerful to me. I never looked at it that way before. So, that is what I have been doing. At first it was hard, I won’t lie. But, even in my hardest times of praying for them, I prayed that he helped me to pray like I should. I asked him to help me to love them more and more. We have been invited to dinner at this daughter’s home with 37 other people, this includes her mother’s side of the family. I don’t know if we will go or not. Our other children will not be there. We would be the only ones from our side of the family going. My husband decided we would not go because he does not want to spend the holidays with his ex wife. Even though the children are nearing their 40’s she has felt the need to contact him and tell him what kind of bodily waste he is. I told him he should let her know that we won’t be able to make it, but would like to plan another day to get together with them. That is up to him though. I need a lot of work, as does our relationships. I told one of the other girls who also just went through a divorce after 17 years, that if she needed to talk I was here. She chuckled and said, “Yeah, I doubt that is going to happen.” So, my wanting to make a life with them, is slim to none. I need lots of prayer as do they. I do not really want to try and be around them at all. I know this is awful, but I feel like I have given it my all. Is it wrong to not want to have a relationship with them? I get physically sick if I have to go around them. I really do think I have PTSD from all this.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that! It sounds like a really tough situation and that you’ve tried so hard.
Love covers all sins. Love never fails. Don’t dwell on the problems. A lot of times it’s just different perspectives – each has imperfection in a fallen world. I validate you as the victim but please don’t stay there! One thing is needful, pray to a loving Father, yes pray in tongues (this is my very first visit and I am not sure if you believe in praying in tongues) which are perfect prayers & divine love secrets uttered directly to God for all things to work together for our good in God’s amazing and effortless ways.
Too long story to tell, I can only summarise here: I had my fair share of dysfunctional traits of abusive parent and unrepentant sibling (beaten and insulted by my elder sister who was very jealous of me the youngest for decades even in adulthood). I am so thankful to God that I got to know Him and began a journey of knowing Him and His Word, praying in tongues is the key to great transformation in my own heart – out of your heart are the issues of life. You must first guard your heart from offence and let word/ peace of God dwell richly instead. God changed me (I did not know that I had deep emotional hurts that need healing too though I was a victim), and it really surprised me. Not only did i reconcile to my decade-long estranged dad, I was instrumental to his salvation before he passed on. Now I continue to pray in tongues, and things are turning out so much better among my sibling relationships.. Not altogether there yet, but I am hopeful. With God all things are possible. Yield yourself to God. Wait patiently.
Thank you so much for your story! I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with that, but glad things are improving for you. With God, all things are possible 💕
So grateful you talked about this subject! Long ago, I’m so very thankful I had Godly people in my life who helped me seek wise, Godly counsel! They took my to a Godly therapist who helped me get free of my traumatic childhood & learn boundaries. Just b/c someone gives birth to you doesn’t make them a mother.
It has taken a lot of years of therapy to heal those wounds, get through to forgiveness & see things throughJesus’s eyes. I’m so grateful I am much different today & have no hate & hurt yet can stand firm in my boundaries & still pray she can get better. My bio-mother never knew my children. Yet God gave me an adopted mom around 16 who was their grandmother who showed me what a mother’s love really was & loved my children like her own grandchildren. Some people didn’t understand my choices & that’s ok. It was my life to live & I don’t regret a moment.
This website is great, and I really gathered a lot of insight. I realized that I’m not the only one dealing with toxic people. My parents started living with us 7 years ago when they were forced to retirement. I have a sister who they have been sending money to, who lives in another country. My sister, my parents and I came to the US in 1989. My sister was in middle school. She cried day and night wanting to go back home to the Philippines. She had many friends and hated the idea that we left our lives there to come here and start from scratch, hoping that we’ll do better here in the US. My parents decided they’ll let her go back and live with our family there. They sent her money to support her schooling and expenses, a lot of money. My parents and I worked hard here in the US while my sister lived her life that she wanted. She wasn’t into drugs or anything like that. She basically just wanted freedom to do whatever. Now I’m married with children. My parents are becoming a very big problem to us. They still send my sister money every month, not as much as before since they’re living off their retirement and social sec, but they lie about sending my sister money on a regular basis. My parents don’t work anymore, they refuse to. They are very healthy. 84 and 79 years old. They move better than our other relatives who are sickly but move all day long. My parents stay in their room all day, they’d come out to eat, go out for a while –sometimes– and pray. They pray all day all night. Nothing wrong with that. But when my husband and I tell them they should use some of their money to move on their own, go on vacation to the Philippines, travel….something. THey won’t. They have a lot of savings. They want to win millions of dollars in the lottery so that they can move out of our house. According to them, what they have in their savings won’t be enough to supply all their needs if they moved out, or traveled, or whatever. THey are blessed with so much. Great health, financially, but they are waiting and saving money to be able to one day do what they want. I tell them all the time that GOd does want us to pray and talk to Him, but that’s not all He wants us to do. He wants us to live! My dad is a mean person, he believes he is the only one that is right. BOth of them are abusing us. I do everything in the house, I cook food for them everyday, clean their room. They give us a little bit of money every month to help but we cannot refuse that money since we are not wealthy and having a child in college plus them living with us, there’s just a lot of expenses. So we’re stuck. THey’re using that money that they’re giving us as an opportunity to say, we’re giving you money, what more do you want from us? They don’t offer to help driving my daughter to school or anything. THey do their own thing. But they won’t leave. All the good things we are teaching our children…working hard, always praying and putting their faith into practice, serving the community, being a good example….all that’s wasted because they see their grandparents doing the total opposite, except for the praying part which I believe in my heart is hypocritical. They tell us that they’re always asking God to give them money, God won’t do that in that way!! THey go to church every Sunday but their lives and how they treat us don’t reflect God’s teachings. This affects my relationship with myhusband as well. I hope God will give us a break one day and I hope it will be soon. I don’t want my family growing up and my children moving out and my parents will still be here in our home. Thanks for listening.
I am having troubles with my brother,sister in law and my dad. I believe my dad has done a lot every since I was little that has mentally affected me and now he us doing it to my children. An example is that my step mom and him needed to talk to us so they came over. We did not know what it was about. He was praising my youngest and oldest child and I was thinking that this is a nice change since it seems like there is always a problem,and then he gets to my middle child and starts ripping into her. We don’t believe that she did anything wrong and its just a personality difference.
I never had a problem with my sister in law, however I had a problem with my brother that could of been resolved extremely quick, however she stepped un with all of these problems she has with me which at least 90% of the are a lie and now we have not been around each other for over a year.
The problem I have with my brother is the disrespect for us. He likes to bring up things I have done badly in the past, show pictures to my wife of me dancing with another woman(before I knew her and before I was saved), break my stuff,etc. He has done this to others as well. Fyi, he is 5 years older. IN HIS 40’s. I am all.about bringing up nice good memories, not bad and disrespectful ones.
I have tried to work things out with all of them, but at the same time standing my ground. We do not want to let this go like they want but we want to get it resolved. It has happened multiple times so we are taking that stance. Yes, I am not perfect and have made mistakes as well which I am trying to work out with them, but they want no part of it and don’t think they are wrong at all. They have said a lot of untrue things and are blaming me for hurting people that they love plus a lot of other things. I don’t want to hurt others which I know is happening because of this. Example us staying away from family events that they are at because we don’t want to be involved in a possible scene at something like that. My question is am I wrong and how do we proceed either way? Also one comment that my sister in law made is that they can’t be themselves around me. My stance is that if you need to be disrespectful around me to be yourself I don’t want to be around you. Obviously I am not a woman, however this is good and the response will be shared with my wife.
How do you deal with an 86 year old parent who enables a sibling (my only one) and has done so for YEARS. I love my Mom very much but I am so tired of hearing about how she get’s treated by my brother and yet she allows him to treat her like he does. Both he and his wife treat Mom like she has an endless supply of money and they expect her to bail them out of every situation, which she does. She has been the babysitter from day one of both of their kids births, she makes sure that they have school clothes, money for school activities, is their chauffer. If they go out shopping, my sister-in-law drives Mom’s vehicle and of course the expectation is that Mom will foot the bill if they go out to eat. They “borrow” money and never pay it back. The most recent incident, Mom gave my sister-in-law her credit card to use, received the statement in the mail and noted a $500.00 charge for a utility bill. My sister-in-law never told Mom what she was using the credit card for nor the amount. Of course then once again, Mom unloaded on me about how upset she was, it was going to stop, same thing I have heard for 25 years! So I sent a text message to my brother, letting him know about the credit card, that it was unacceptable and that their continual behavior of taking advantage of Mom was going to stop, I also told him (yes I went there) that due to her age (her cognitive function is great) she is considered a Vulnerable adult by law and that going down the legal road of theft, coercing, manipulation, fraud was not someplace he wanted to be taken down. I showed the text to Mom, she said she was fine with me saying what I did, that it needed to be said. She has since now flipped this whole incident back on me telling me it is my fault, that what I said really hurt my brothers feeling’s and was uncalled for. If I try and say anything then the response is “well I just won’t bother you any more”. “No-one appreciates what I do”. I will also add to the mix mess that my brother is an alcoholic, is a very bitter angry individual and treats his kids like they are disposable trash. It absolutely break’s my heart. I have had to and continue the need to work through anger toward my Mom for allowing this to go on, I even wrote her a two page letter and read it to her, we cried together and prayed together. I guess I have just come to the point where I do not want to listen to anymore complaining about how she feels she is being mistreated by my brother and sister in law, and when it comes up I’m not going down that road. So now Christmas is soon upon us and at first my husband and I were invited to go to Mom’s Christmas Eve which we were going to do and yesterday I was told we didn’t need to bother coming over “just go do your own thing and enjoy the Christmas Eve service you want to go to”. Mom was invited to join us Christmas Day but because she didn’t “get a personal invitation” from the hostess (she did..a phone call and I had to be the one to tell them she was not coming) she wasn’t going to “intrude”. She will be spending it with my brother, sister-in-law and 2 kids. So I am praying that the Lord will help me walk in a manner that honors Him in all of this but boy am I struggling. I lived away from the area for over 20 years and moved back 9 years ago and to “see” what I have been listening to all these years is heartbreaking. Only Jesus can change the hearts of people, only He can bring deliverance and freedom. That is my prayer for this entire family. Does anyone have any suggestions? Thank you!