Do you have certain family members you can’t stand to be around?
While it’s normal to have the occasional conflict or annoyance, if you’re dealing with toxic family members (whether parents, in-laws, siblings, or even young or adult children), the issue goes far beyond a simple annoyance.
When family members are simply annoying, you can often choose to overlook their faults. It’s not that big of a deal. If you’re struggling to know how to deal with toxic family members biblically, however, simply ignoring the bad behavior won’t help.
In cases like these, you need to take action.
What Toxic Family Looks Like: One Reader’s Story
For one Equipping Godly Women reader, her toxic family members show blatant favoritism.
“My relationship with my family isn’t a healthy one. Both my parents and my siblings clearly favor my sister and her kids over me and mine, and it hurts me and my kids the way this favoritism is displayed.
For example, they don’t visit me unless they need favors, and they brush my concerns aside when I try to share how their actions make me feel. My feelings are minimized, dismissed and discarded. It’s hurtful.
Even my kids are aware of this blatant favoritism. They ask questions about why their cousins get more attention, etc., and it breaks my heart.
I want to remain respectful to my parents and siblings, yet this has been happening for over five years now with no signs of remorse, and I don’t know how to make them understand how hurtful their actions are to me and my children.
I don’t want to go against God’s words or teachings. How do I deal with toxic family members biblically?”
Warning Signs You’re Dealing with a Toxic Family Member
While it may seem hurtful to label your parents, siblings, aunts and uncles, in-laws, or children as “toxic family members,” there’s something incredibly healing and freeing about knowing you’re not crazy and their behavior is not okay.
A few common warning signs of toxic family members include:
- They’re abusive (physically, mentally, verbally, sexually, or emotionally).
- They constantly criticize, shame, blame, or belittle others.
- They’re controlling, manipulative, or passive-aggressive.
- They’re constantly annoyed, angry, defensive, or defensive.
- They’re jealous of others’ successes. Everything is a competition.
- They always have to be the center of attention.
What Does The Bible Say About Toxic Family Members?
While the Bible does say that we should turn the other cheek, forgive, and love our enemies, it’s important to understand these Scripture verses in context. The Bible does not say that we should allow toxic family members to continually abuse, mistreat, or walk all over us (or our families).
In fact, there are times when the most loving, Christian response is to set boundaries or cut ties with toxic family members in order to protect ourselves and our families and/or so we don’t continue to enable our toxic family members’ selfish, sinful behavior.
While the Bible never uses the exact phrase “toxic family members,” Scripture has a lot to say about how we should treat those who mistreat us, and there’s a lot of (understandably) a lot of nuance to the discussion.
The Bible Says: Choose Your Companions Wisely (Proverbs 13:20)
“Walk with the wise and become wise,
for a companion of fools suffers harm.”
While you can’t choose your family, you can choose to spend less time around those whose consistent poor choices have a negative impact on your personal faith or witness.
See also: Psalm 1:1, Proverbs 16:29, Proverbs 22:24-25, 1 Corinthians 15:33.
The Bible Says: Guard Your Faith (2 Peter 3:17)
“Therefore, dear friends, since you have been forewarned, be on your guard so that you may not be carried away by the error of the lawless and fall from your secure position.”
Yet, while we do want to encourage others in the faith, we must be careful that our own faith isn’t badly damaged in the process. Some people are glad for gentle correction. Others will lash out at everyone near them. It’s wise to know the difference.
See also: Matthew 7:6, Proverbs 13:20.
The Bible Says: Avoid Toxic Family Members Who Love Drama and Division (Romans 16:17-18)
“I urge you, brothers and sisters, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them. For such people are not serving our Lord Christ, but their own appetites. By smooth talk and flattery they deceive the minds of naive people.”
You can’t always control how others behave, but you can choose to remove yourself from the situation so you don’t reap their negative consequences as well. The Bible repeatedly warns us to steer clear of other Christians who are bent on doing what’s wrong.
See also: 2 Timothy 2:22-26, Titus 3:9-11.
The Bible Says: Love Your Enemies (Luke 6:27-29)
“But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them.”
Jesus provides the ultimate example of loving your enemies, but it’s important to note that this passage is in the context of those who persecute you *for your faith.* It does not mean that we must allow everyone to mistreat us. Love does not mean “be a doormat.”
The famous love passage, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, tells us that:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
We can treat others with respect, honor, and dignity–without allowing them to abuse us.
See also: Leviticus 19:18, Romans 12:14, 17-20, 1 Peter 3:9, 1 John 4:7.
The Bible Says: Forgive Those Who Hurt You (Matthew 18:21-22)
“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.'”
Similarly, to “forgive” someone doesn’t mean to say that what they did was right or okay, and it doesn’t mean that we have to maintain a close, healthy relationship with them. Rather, we can forgive someone by releasing our anger and desire for revenge to God. We can hold peace in our hearts, knowing that God will deal with them and their behavior.
See also: Matthew 6:14-15, Mark 11:25, Luke 6:37, Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:13.
The Bible Says: Pursue Peace, When Possible (Ephesians 4:2-3)
“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”
There are times when it’s important to stand up for justice and do what’s right. There are also times when it simply isn’t worth the fight–either because the issue is small or the other person isn’t likely to listen. While it’s perfectly fine to set Christian boundaries, we should do so in a way that pursues peace, not in a way that retaliates or lashes out at others in anger.
See also: Mark 9:50, Romans 12:16, Romans 15:5-6, Hebrews 12:14, 1 Thessalonians 5:13
Loving Others Doesn’t Always Mean “Being Nice.”
Yes, we absolutely should love our enemies. But I think sometimes we forget what love really means.
Loving someone well does not mean always playing “nice,” always being the peacemaker, or just letting other people walk all over you. This isn’t love–it’s called enabling.
A better definition of love would be: honoring the true dignity of another person, acknowledging their inherent worth as human beings, created and loved by God, and doing everything in your power to do good for them and to act in their best interest.
Yes, it absolutely can include being “kind” (see 1 Cor. 13:4-7 again), but it’s so much more than that.
The Bible does not teach us that we need to be super polite, calm, and passive to the point of being walked over and enabling others in their sins.
In fact, Jesus instructs the apostles to “leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet” in Matthew 10:14 and to “treat [unrepentant sinners] as you would a pagan or a tax collector” in Matthew 18:17.
Dealing with Toxic Family Members: First, Assess the Situation Honestly.
So since the Bible doesn’t teach us to be passive doormats, how should we deal with toxic family members Biblically?
Here’s what I would advise: Assess the situation honestly.
- Is the other person actually toxic, or simply annoying, thoughtless, etc?
- Is the problem serious enough to warrant action, or can you simply overlook it for the sake of family unity?
- Are you sure the other person’s actions are intentional, not simply perceived? (Ex: yelling, disappointment, blame)
- What type of effect is the behavior having on you and your family?
- What have you done to remedy the situation in the past, if anything?
- Have you actually told the other person how you are feeling and what you’d like to change?
- Are things getting better, staying the same, or getting worse?
Yes, there are absolutely times when you may need to take action (there are times when cutting people out of your life is the right choice to make), but let’s not jump there quite yet.
Can the behavior simply be resolved or overlooked? If so (and the situation isn’t serious), then start here.
2. Accept Responsibility for Any Wrongdoing on Your Part
Next, let’s take a minute to look at yourself and any part you may have played in the issue: Have you done anything to make the situation worse? Or failed to do something to make the situation better?
While the situation may not ultimately be “your fault” (especially in cases of outright abuse), once we reach adulthood, each of us is responsible for and accountable for our own actions.
- Have you said or done anything hurtful to the other person? (even unintentionally!)
- Have you ever failed to treat them as kindly or as respectfully as you should have?
- Have you ever been selfish, self-centered, or mean-spirited?
3. Set Healthy, Biblical Boundaries With Family
Next, once you’ve gotten honest about the situation and the role you may have played in it, it’s time to set some Biblical boundaries with family members and friends who may need them.
Here’s the advice I gave the reader whose story I shared in the introduction to this article:
Personally, I would explain, incredibly politely, that while you love them, you cannot allow them to continue to hurt you and your children in this way. (If you even want to explain at all. I mean, you’ve had this conversation several times now. I don’t know if it is necessary to say anything else.)
I would be careful to be as unemotional, straightforward and polite as possible, to avoid saying anything that could be taken as accusatory, and to just speak out of your concern for the children.
For example, “We’ve spoken with you several times about how we feel as though you favor the other family over us. This has really hurt our family, as we want to enjoy a close, healthy relationship with you too, but it never seems to happen. Unfortunately, I cannot allow my children to have their hopes up and be so disappointed every time. For this reason, we will not be spending as much time with you…” etc, etc, in your own words.
Then, if they call, tell them you’re busy or cannot help them out at this time.
4. Stick to Your Boundaries
Once you’ve set your boundaries and told your friends and family members where they are — this is the hard part. You have to stick to the boundaries you’ve set!
I know that learning how to deal with toxic family members Biblically isn’t easy. It takes time and practice, and you won’t get it all right the first time, but stick with it.
Because if you’re continually “bending the rules,” your family will just learn that your “rules” aren’t really rules at all.
Seek Godly counsel, determine (through prayer) where your boundaries should be, and then stick to them!
5. Pray for Strength, Wisdom, and Guidance
Sometimes the most loving thing you can do in a relationship is simply to pray for the other person.
This is why God commands us, “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you” in Luke 6:27-28.
Pray that God would heal their hurt, that he would open their eyes to their behavior, and that your relationship could be restored.
Pray that God would help you love your toxic family members more and that He would give you the wisdom to deal with them wisely.
God will help you learn how to respond to toxic family members — you just have to ask!
6. Forgive – Even When It’s Difficult
Now, I know you may feel very angry or resentful towards the toxic family members and friends who have hurt you and ruined your familial relationships, but the Bible is clear: We have to forgive, even when we don’t feel like it.
We see this in Mark 11:25, which says, “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”
Please understand, though: Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that what they did is okay or that they shouldn’t receive any consequences for their action.
You can still set Biblical boundaries and turn an abuser in to the authorities if needed.
But we have a responsibility to forgive others (even and especially our enemies) if we want God to forgive us as well.
7. Close the Door
If you have done all of the above to the best of your ability, then it may be time for you to cut ties.
The truth is: While it would be awesome if we could all get along, the truth is that we do have free will, and some people choose to use theirs in a way that interferes with God’s best for our lives.
And when this happens, we don’t have to stay stuck in toxic, abusive relationships.
God walks away from stubborn, sinful people at times (Romans 1:24-28). Jesus had times when he walked away (Matthew 12:34). And we have the Biblical right to walk away too.
God opens doors, but we often forget that he closes them, too.
Four Things Every Christian Needs to Know About Forgiveness
Have you ever thought or said the phrase “I know I should forgive, but I just can’t…”
Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that what they did was okay, that you have to pretend that nothing’s wrong, or that you have to maintain a close relationship with them. Rather, forgiveness is a way for YOU to find peace and healing.
Here are Four Things Every Christian Needs to Know About Forgiveness
Have You Prayed Today? 15 Short Prayers That Are Highly Effective
Prayer is a powerful way to connect with the divine, seek guidance, and find solace in times of need. While long, heartfelt prayers have their place, short prayers can be equally effective in conveying our thoughts and feelings to a higher power.
These fifteen short prayers are highly effective and easy to incorporate into your daily life.
Have You Prayed Today? 15 Short Prayers That Are Highly Effective
Brittany Ann is an ECPA bestselling author and founder of Equipping Godly Women and Monetize My Ministry. She’s also a Christian speaker, podcaster, and conference host. Her work has been featured on numerous TV, radio, and online ministries, including CBN, MSN, Christianity Today, Evangelical Alliance, Patheos, Crosswalk, and more.
