Do you have certain family members you can’t stand to be around?
While it’s normal to have the occasional conflict or annoyance, if you’re dealing with toxic family members (whether parents, in-laws, siblings, or even young or adult children), the issue goes far beyond a simple annoyance.
When family members are simply annoying, you can often choose to overlook their faults. It’s not that big of a deal. If you’re struggling to know how to deal with toxic family members biblically, however, simply ignoring the bad behavior won’t help.
For one Equipping Godly Women reader, her toxic family members show blatant favoritism.
“My relationship with my family isn’t a healthy one. Both my parents and my siblings clearly favor my sister and her kids over me and mine, and it hurts me and my kids the way this favoritism is displayed.
For example, they don’t visit me unless they need favors, and they brush my concerns aside when I try to share how their actions make me feel. My feelings are minimized, dismissed and discarded. It’s hurtful.
Even my kids are aware of this blatant favoritism. They ask questions about why their cousins get more attention, etc., and it breaks my heart.
I want to remain respectful to my parents and siblings, yet this has been happening for over five years now with no signs of remorse, and I don’t know how to make them understand how hurtful their actions are to me and my children.
I don’t want to go against God’s words or teachings. How do I deal with toxic family members biblically?”
If you’re struggling to figure out how to deal with toxic family members biblically, you’re not alone.
Maybe you’ve been wondering, “What does the Bible say about toxic family members?”
Maybe you’ve even been Googling questions like, “What does the Bible say about evil family members?” or “When should a Christian walk away from family?” Or maybe you aren’t sure if you’re dealing with toxic family members at all. (Maybe your family is simply annoying.)
You know you want to be a good Christian and do the right thing, but maybe it seems like no matter how much you love, forgive, ignore their tactics, and turn the other cheek, the mistreatment and manipulation never stops. It only gets worse.
The family dynamic is completely unhealthy, everyone involved is miserable, and nothing is working, no matter how much you try.
You want to be kind, but they’re driving you crazy, and you’re not sure what to do.
So now you’re wondering, “How do I deal with toxic family members biblically??”
Whatever your situation today, there is hope.
In this post, we’ll examine the common warning signs of a toxic relative, what the Bible says about toxic family members, 7 practical tips to help you deal with toxic family members biblically, and a few great resources you’ll want to check out.
*This post contains affiliate links, which means if you make a purchase after clicking through one of my links, I may make a small commission at no additional cost to you. This helps cover the many costs of running this site and allows me to help provide for my growing family. Thank you!
15 Warning Signs You’re Dealing with a Toxic Family Member
While it may seem hurtful to label your parents, siblings, aunts and uncles, in-laws, or children as “toxic family members,” there’s something incredibly healing and freeing about knowing you’re not crazy and their behavior is not okay.
Common warning signs of toxic family members include:
- They’re abusive (physically, mentally, verbally, sexually, or emotionally).
- They constantly criticize, shame, blame, or belittle others.
- They’re controlling, manipulative, or passive-aggressive.
- They’re constantly annoyed, angry, defensive, or defensive.
- They’re jealous of others’ successes. Everything is a competition.
- They always have to be the center of attention.
- They’re selfish, self-centered, and arrogant.
- They play the victim, are never wrong, and are never at fault.
- They’re dismissive of others’ wants, needs, and opinions.
- They belittle your grief, sadness, frustration, childhood trauma, or current pain.
- Their reactions or emotions are unpredictable, sudden, and intense.
- They give you the silent treatment when they don’t get their way.
- They love drama and will create it where none exists.
- Your home is in constant chaos due to their actions and reactions.
- They don’t respect your healthy boundaries.
- They gaslight you, causing you to question reality.
- You always “lose” in your disagreements, even if it’s not your fault.
- You rarely (or never) feel love, acceptance, or support.
- You’re worried about your physical, emotional, spiritual, or mental health.
- You feel depressed, anxious, exhausted, or unsettled around them.
- You feel like you’re walking on eggshells around them.
If these warning signs perfectly describe someone you know, you may be dealing with a toxic family member.
The vast majority of toxic family members won’t display all of these warning signs. And there’s a difference between the occasional toxic behavior and labeling someone a toxic person.
(We all do dumb things and act in ways we aren’t proud of sometime, and it’s possible to do bad things without being a bad person.)
If your friends and family members are simply annoying, it’s probably best to give them grace and try to overlook their faults. No one’s perfect, and dealing with annoying people can actually help you grow spiritually as you develop patience, understanding, and compassion.
BUT if your toxic family members repeatedly or consistently display these warning signs, it may be time to set boundaries, draw on your support system for help, and/or get therapy from a licensed counselor so you can enjoy a drama-free life again.
No one should have to live in constant fear, depression, anxiety, or dread after spending time with dysfunctional family members. No one should settle for emotional abuse or toxic family dynamics due to others’ sinful choices or addictions.
Related Reading: How to Set Biblical Boundaries as a Christian
How Would God Want Me to Deal with Toxic Family Members as a Christian?
Do you ever wonder, “What would God want me to do in this situation?”
Should I try to repair my relationships with toxic family members? Set boundaries? Walk away and cut them out of my life?
I wrote my latest book to help YOU!
In Follow God’s Will: Biblical Guidelines for Everyday Life, we take a deep dive into how you can know (with relative certainty) exactly what God wants you to do in the difficult or confusing situations you face each day.
Practical, encouraging, and full of biblical truth, Follow God’s Will is designed to help you answer questions including:
- What does God want me to do personally?
- How do I apply the Bible’s instructions to my life today?
- What would God want me to do in the difficult situations I face each day?
- How should I navigate relationships with those who think, act, or believe differently than I do?
- And so much more!
Want to start reading for free?
Simply enter your first name and best email below, and I’ll send you the first chapter right away!
What Does The Bible Say About Toxic Family Members?
While the Bible does say that we should turn the other cheek, forgive, and love our enemies, it’s important to understand these Scripture verses in context. The Bible does not say that we should allow toxic family members to continually abuse, mistreat, or walk all over us (or our families).
In fact, there are times when the most loving, Christian response is to set boundaries or cut ties with toxic family members in order to protect ourselves and our families and/or so we don’t continue to enable our toxic family members’ selfish, sinful behavior.
While the Bible never uses the exact phrase “toxic family members,” Scripture has a lot to say about how we should treat those who mistreat us, and there’s a lot of (understandably) a lot of nuance to the discussion.
Here’s what the Bible says about toxic family members and those who mistreat us.
Choose Your Companions Wisely (Proverbs 13:20)
“Walk with the wise and become wise,
for a companion of fools suffers harm.”
While you can’t choose your family, you can choose to spend less time around those whose consistent poor choices have a negative impact on your personal faith or witness.
See also: Psalm 1:1, Proverbs 16:29, Proverbs 22:24-25, 1 Corinthians 15:33.
Encourage Others in Good Deeds (Hebrews 10:24-25)
“And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”
As Christians, we want to encourage each other to serve the Lord and do what’s right. None of us are perfect. We all need each others’ loving support, correction, and encouragement.
See also: Romans 15:1-2, Colossians 3:16, 1 Thessalonians 5:14, 2 Timothy 4:2, Hebrews 3:13.
Guard Your Faith (2 Peter 3:17)
“Therefore, dear friends, since you have been forewarned, be on your guard so that you may not be carried away by the error of the lawless and fall from your secure position.”
Yet, while we do want to encourage others in the faith, we must be careful that our own faith isn’t badly damaged in the process. Some people are glad for gentle correction. Others will lash out at everyone near them. It’s wise to know the difference.
See also: Matthew 7:6, Proverbs 13:20.
Related Reading: What Does the Bible Say About Self-Care? (A Christian Perspective)
Avoid Toxic Family Members Who Love Drama and Division (Romans 16:17-18)
“I urge you, brothers and sisters, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them. For such people are not serving our Lord Christ, but their own appetites. By smooth talk and flattery they deceive the minds of naive people.”
You can’t always control how others behave, but you can choose to remove yourself from the situation so you don’t reap their negative consequences as well. The Bible repeatedly warns us to steer clear of other Christians who are bent on doing what’s wrong.
See also: 2 Timothy 2:22-26, Titus 3:9-11.
Love Your Enemies (Luke 6:27-29)
“But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them.”
Jesus provides the ultimate example of loving your enemies, but it’s important to note that this passage is in the context of those who persecute you *for your faith.* It does not mean that we must allow everyone to mistreat us. Love does not mean “be a doormat.”
The famous love passage, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, tells us that:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
We can treat others with respect, honor, and dignity–without allowing them to abuse us.
See also: Leviticus 19:18, Romans 12:14, 17-20, 1 Peter 3:9, 1 John 4:7.
Forgive Those Who Hurt You (Matthew 18:21-22)
“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.'”
Similarly, to “forgive” someone doesn’t mean to say that what they did was right or okay, and it doesn’t mean that we have to maintain a close, healthy relationship with them. Rather, we can forgive someone by releasing our anger and desire for revenge to God. We can hold peace in our hearts, knowing that God will deal with them and their behavior.
See also: Matthew 6:14-15, Mark 11:25, Luke 6:37, Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:13.
Don’t Seek Revenge or Repayment for Evil (1 Peter 3:9)
“Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.”
This goes right along with our call to forgiveness. We can treat others with honor, dignity, and respect — even if they don’t deserve it. We can take the high road and do what’s right, even if we are the only one who does.
See also: Deuteronomy 32:35, Proverbs 20:22, 1 Thessalonians 5:15.
Pursue Peace, When Possible (Ephesians 4:2-3)
“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”
There are times when it’s important to stand up for justice and do what’s right. There are also times when it simply isn’t worth the fight–either because the issue is small or the other person isn’t likely to listen. While it’s perfectly fine to set Christian boundaries, we should do so in a way that pursues peace, not in a way that retaliates or lashes out at others in anger.
See also: Mark 9:50, Romans 12:16, Romans 15:5-6, Hebrews 12:14, 1 Thessalonians 5:13
Do Not Rejoice Over Others’ Downfall (Proverbs 24:17)
“Do not gloat when your enemy falls;
when they stumble, do not let your heart rejoice”
See also: Obadiah 1:12, Proverbs 17:5, 1 Peter 2:1.
Tired of Being “Nice” to Toxic Family Members? Jesus Wasn’t Always Nice…
Yes, we absolutely should love our enemies. But I think sometimes we forget what love really means.
Loving someone well does not mean always playing “nice,” always being the peacemaker, or just letting other people walk all over you. This isn’t love–it’s called enabling.
A better definition of love would be: honoring the true dignity of another person, acknowledging their inherent worth as human beings, created and loved by God, and doing everything in your power to do good for them and to act in their best interest.
Yes, it absolutely can include being “kind” (see 1 Cor. 13:4-7 again), but it’s so much more than that. And in fact, if you really examine the way Jesus behaves in the Gospels, his actions aren’t always what we consider “nice.”
- When a Canaanite woman asks Jesus for his help in Matthew 15:26, “He replied, ‘It is not right to take the children’s bread and toss it to the dogs.'”
- Jesus tells the Pharisees, “You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of” in Matthew 12:34.
- And let’s not forget how “Jesus entered the temple courts and drove out all who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves” in Matthew 21:12.
Now, I wouldn’t actually recommend you call your in-laws dogs or vipers or flip their tables! My point here is ONLY that the Bible does not teach us that we need to be super polite, calm, and passive to the point of being walked over and enabling others in their sins.
In fact, Jesus instructs the apostles to “leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet” in Matthew 10:14 and to “treat [unrepentant sinners] as you would a pagan or a tax collector” in Matthew 18:17.
Jesus’s plan for our lives isn’t to make us “nice.” It’s to make us (and our loved ones) holy. Sometimes that means treating others kindly. But other times that means protecting ourselves and our families instead of protecting the feelings of others who insist on pursuing sinful attitudes or behaviors.
See also: Yes, Christians Should Judge
How to Deal With Toxic Family Members Biblically
So since the Bible doesn’t teach us to be passive doormats, how should we deal with toxic family members Biblically?
Here’s what I would advise:
1. Assess the Situation Honestly
Toxic family members are annoying. So it only makes sense that you might get worked up when your friends and family members start showing the signs of a toxic person, or you start noticing the many signs of a toxic relationship.
Before you get too worked up, though, take a step back and assess the situation honestly:
- Is the other person actually toxic, or simply annoying, thoughtless, etc?
- Is the problem serious enough to warrant action, or can you simply overlook it for the sake of family unity?
- Are you sure the other person’s actions are intentional, not simply perceived? (Ex: yelling, disappointment, blame)
- What type of effect is the behavior having on you and your family?
- What have you done to remedy the situation in the past, if anything?
- Have you actually told the other person how you are feeling and what you’d like to change?
- Are things getting better, staying the same, or getting worse?
In the best-case scenario: you may realize that the other party truly didn’t mean to hurt you and that they were unaware that their behavior was coming across so hurtful. If this is the case, then you may simply need to have a conversation.
Alternately, if the behavior is purposeful but small enough in nature, you may simply be able to ignore it or avoid the situation when possible. Life isn’t perfect, people are annoying, and sometimes we just have to deal with annoying people.
Yes, there are absolutely times when you may need to take action (there are times when cutting people out of your life is the right choice to make), but let’s not jump there quite yet.
Can the behavior simply be resolved or overlooked? If so (and the situation isn’t serious), then start here.
There truly is no one size fits all answer. And it can be especially difficult to think clearly if your friends and family have engaged in gaslighting, manipulating, or other confusing behaviors.
This is why you absolutely want to seek godly counsel from friends and family who know you well, as well as seek out great books and resources to help you gain more insight into what’s normal and what’s not.
Sometimes you don’t realize how wrong a behavior is if it’s all you’ve known or if it’s what you’re used to.
This is where books like When to Walk Away: Finding Freedom from Toxic People can come in really useful! Written by a pastor, this book (and others like it) can help you figure out your situation while still staying true to biblical principles.
2. Accept Responsibility for Any Wrongdoing on Your Part
Next, let’s take a minute to look at yourself and any part you may have played in the issue: Have you done anything to make the situation worse? Or failed to do something to make the situation better?
While the situation may not ultimately be “your fault” (especially in cases of outright abuse), once we reach adulthood, each of us is responsible for and accountable for our own actions.
And this is good news! Because it means that you have the power and ability to choose different actions and to improve your situation.
It’s time to get honest with yourself.
- Have you said or done anything hurtful to the other person? (even unintentionally!)
- Have you ever failed to treat them as kindly or as respectfully as you should have?
- Have you ever been selfish, self-centered, or mean-spirited?
Again, I’m not saying the mistreatment is your fault. But if you have done (or continue to do) things that hurt the other party, they may be acting out of that hurt. And a heartfelt apology for any wrongdoings on your part may be just what the other person needs to heal.
You aren’t responsible for them, but you are responsible and accountable for YOU — no matter what they’ve done to “deserve it.”
3. Set Healthy, Biblical Boundaries With Family
Next, once you’ve gotten honest about the situation and the role you may have played in it, it’s time to set some Biblical boundaries with family members and friends who may need them.
What behaviors will you accept? Which behaviors will you not accept? Where is the boundary?
When you are dealing with people and situations who are truly toxic, manipulative, crazy or even abusive, it can really make you question your sanity and your decision-making! You want to do the right thing, but you may question what the right thing is or what requests are reasonable. It can be hard to tell.
That’s where Boundaries does a great job of laying out a Biblical framework to help you understand what truly is your responsibility, what requests are unreasonable, where you should draw the line, and how you can do so without guilt.
You can find Boundaries at your local library or on Amazon here.
Here’s the advice I gave the reader whose story I shared in the introduction to this article:
Personally, I would explain, incredibly politely, that while you love them, you cannot allow them to continue to hurt you and your children in this way. (If you even want to explain at all. I mean, you’ve had this conversation several times now. I don’t know if it is necessary to say anything else.)
I would be careful to be as unemotional, straightforward and polite as possible, to avoid saying anything that could be taken as accusatory, and to just speak out of your concern for the children.
For example, “We’ve spoken with you several times about how we feel as though you favor the other family over us. This has really hurt our family, as we want to enjoy a close, healthy relationship with you too, but it never seems to happen. Unfortunately, I cannot allow my children to have their hopes up and be so disappointed every time. For this reason, we will not be spending as much time with you…” etc, etc, in your own words.
Then, if they call, tell them you’re busy or cannot help them out at this time.
(Which is true–you are busy… doing anything else other than being mistreated by toxic family members… even if that’s just washing the dishes or playing with the kids. That counts as busy.)
So what do healthy, biblical boundaries with family look like for you?
Do you need to limit visits or restrict your visits to a certain format? (For example, maybe you are happy to call on the phone, but you can no longer visit in person.)
Do you need to set the boundary that you can only visit X times a year, that you can only give X dollars a month, or that you will only continue to be around them only as long as the conversation remains healthy and polite?
Seek wise counsel from friends and family you trust to make sure your boundaries are reasonable, let the other party know what your boundaries are, and then stick to them.
There’s no need to feel guilty. The Bible encourages you to set Biblical boundaries with family where necessary.
(And if you still feel guilty, read the Boundaries book. It will help you figure out how to deal with toxic family members Biblically without feeling so guilty about it!)
4. Stick to Your Boundaries!
Once you’ve set your boundaries and told your friends and family members where they are — this is the hard part. You have to stick to the boundaries you’ve set!
I know that learning how to deal with toxic family members Biblically isn’t easy. It takes time and practice, and you won’t get it all right the first time, but stick with it.
Because if you’re continually “bending the rules,” your family will just learn that your “rules” aren’t really rules at all.
Seek Godly counsel, determine (through prayer) where your boundaries should be, and then stick to them!
5. Pray!
Sometimes the most loving thing you can do in a relationship is simply to pray for the other person.
This is why God commands us, “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you” in Luke 6:27-28.
Pray that God would heal their hurt, that he would open their eyes to their behavior, and that your relationship could be restored.
Pray that God would help you love your toxic family members more and that He would give you the wisdom to deal with them wisely.
God will help you learn how to respond to toxic family members — you just have to ask!
Related Reading: Why Doesn’t God Answer My Prayers? (6 Biblical Reasons)
6. Forgive
Now, I know you may feel very angry or resentful towards the toxic family members and friends who have hurt you and ruined your familial relationships, but the Bible is clear: We have to forgive, even when we don’t feel like it.
We see this in Mark 11:25, which says, “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”
Please understand, though: Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that what they did is okay or that they shouldn’t receive any consequences for their action.
You can still set Biblical boundaries and turn an abuser in to the authorities if needed.
But we have a responsibility to forgive others (even and especially our enemies) if we want God to forgive us as well.
Related Reading: Four Things Every Christian Needs to Know About Forgiveness
7. Close the Door
So far in this article, I’ve tried to help you answer the following questions:
- Am I in a toxic relationship?
- What are the signs of a toxic person/signs of a toxic relationship?
- What does the Bible say about toxic family members / how to deal with toxic family members Biblically?
If you have done all of the above to the best of your ability, then it may be time for you to ask the last question: “What does the Bible say about cutting ties with family / cutting people out of your life?”
The truth is: While it would be awesome if we could all get along, the truth is that we do have free will, and some people choose to use theirs in a way that interferes with God’s best for our lives.
And when this happens, we don’t have to stay stuck in toxic, abusive relationships.
God walks away from stubborn, sinful people at times (Romans 1:24-28). Jesus had times when he walked away (Matthew 12:34). And we have the Biblical right to walk away too.
God opens doors, but we often forget that he closes them, too.
Sometimes, as unfortunate as it is, when there is nothing more we can do, we need to just step back and let GOD deal with it in a way that only He can. And that’s okay.
There are plenty of people in the world we can enjoy close, healthy relationships with. It doesn’t always have to be with our toxic family members.
Related Reading: How to Let Go of Past Hurts and Move Forward
Books to Help You Deal with Toxic Family Members Biblically
Obviously, there’s so much more that can be said on the topic of how to deal with toxic family members biblically (whether toxic parents, in-laws, siblings, or young or grown children) than I could possibly cover in one blog post.
While this article should provide an excellent start for you, I’d highly recommend you to check out at least one of the following three books that cover the subject on a much deeper level, each with a slightly different angle.
1. Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life
If you struggle with setting healthy, God-honoring boundaries with your family, this book is a MUST read. There’s a reason it’s continued to sell an incredible number of copies over the last three decades.
In “Boundaries,” Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend take a gospel-centered approach to help those in strained or toxic relationships answer questions including:
- Can I set limits and still be a loving person?
- What are legitimate boundaries?
- What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries?
- How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money?
- Aren’t boundaries selfish?
- Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries?
This book is perfect for anyone trying to figure out how to love difficult family members well, without getting run over by toxic family members in the process.
You can find “Boundaries” on Amazon here.
2. When to Walk Away: Finding Freedom from Toxic People
This book will help you:
- Learn the difference between difficult people and toxic people
- Find refuge in God when you feel under attack
- Discern when to walk away from a toxic situation
- Keep a tender heart even in unhealthy relationships
- Grow your inner strength and invest in reliable people
You can find “When to Walk Away” on Amazon here.
What is God’s Will for Your Relationships?
While Follow God’s Will isn’t about relationships with toxic family members specifically, it’s chock full of step-by-step, biblical guidance to help you know exactly what God wants you to do in any situation you may be facing.
Practical, encouraging, and full of biblical truth, Follow God’s Will is designed to help you answer questions including:
- What does God want me to do personally?
- How do I apply the Bible’s instructions to my life today?
- What would God want me to do in the difficult situations I face each day?
- How should I navigate relationships with those who think, act, or believe differently than I do?
- And so much more!
Want to start reading for free?
Simply enter your first name and best email below, and I’ll send you the first chapter right away!
Have you ever had to deal with toxic family members Biblically (or friends)? What helpful advice would you offer to our anonymous reader on how to deal with toxic family members Biblically?
Brittany Ann is an ECPA bestselling author and founder of Equipping Godly Women and Monetize My Ministry. She’s also a Christian speaker, podcaster, and conference host. Her work has been featured on numerous TV, radio, and online ministries, including CBN, MSN, Christianity Today, Evangelical Alliance, Patheos, Crosswalk, and more.
Our daughter recently told us she no longer wanted us in her life. This was over six months ago. We moved from our home of 35 years that we loved to be closer to both daughters. This was a huge mistake. Our daughter and her husband told us we were selfish people. We have spent the better part of 40+ years being devoted to our daughters, our l granddaughter, who we have also lost. We went through a terrible time time when we moved dealing with moving from a country home on 10 acres to a manic city lifestyle. We thought we could adjust but we were wrong. We tried for 2 years – then my 75 yo husband was diagnosed w/cancer so, yes, we might have been a little more self absorbed than normally. so cut us some slack but no – we are out of their lives. It would be different if we rarely did anything with them or for them but we loved them, as we love our other daughter. We adored our granddaughter – took on some nice trips; she’d stay in the country w/us in the summer and bring a friend. I would drive and do stuff w/her until I dropped but I loved every min. Now, after a bad day, a bad week or whatever, we are parents worthy of being thrown away. We are shattered!!! We were blindsided by this thinking we had a pretty good relationship….not perfect but then no one is. We never spoke to our daughter about these issues but everything was filtered through her husband who misconstrued or misunderstood what we were saying. She will not speak to us. We’ve found in the past he’s taken things wrong and told our daughter but then, in speaking to her she’d ask him and he’d say he was mistaken. But this is far more serious. What do we do. We are all Christians and we are willing to work this out – to make amends, to accept our blame in all of this. We love our daughter and granddaughter in spite of their, what we consider small imperfections. We all have them and I would be the first to admit it. I am not proud. Our family is one of the most important parts of our lives.
I’m so sorry to hear that! Is there any way you can get her to talk directly to you? Or is there a different third-party you could reach out to if not? Sounds like something is going on, and without knowing what it is, it’s really hard to say how to fix it. I would try to get to the bottom of it if you can. Good luck!
Thank you Brittany. I’ve contacted their pastor one more time. So far he has ignored me but we are praying. Otherwise, there really is no way. She lost her best friend because she disagreed w/her husband about what they were doing with us. IF she still had her in her life we could work through her. It is Satan I believe. But God is stronger and will sort all this out …. when we don’t know. In the meantime we can pray and trust which we try to do. According to much I’ve read, this is an epidemic in this country. Everyone is so ultra sensitive and so easily offended I guess. Pray for the Holy Spirit to show them the light – and help us also. A lot of women who have been estranged are alone – I am thankful I have a wonderful husband and also our oldest daughter. God promises us hardship – i never would have thought this would happen to us in a million years. Thanks again for taking your time to care. It means a lot to me.
I’m sorry–that’s awful 🙁 Hope you get her back soon…
Karen, I am sorry for your pain. We do not speak to my husband’s parents at all and they do not see our children. We did not come to this decision lightly, we prayed constantly.
His parents are abusive and claim to be the victims of miscommunication and brainwashing.
There is really only one way I can help you and that is by being honest. I would assume that you may need to face what you’ve done. I doubt that this is a simple decision that your daughter being a Christian came by lightly. My husband’s parents did not apologize, blamed, lied, manipulated and did everything in their power to tear their son away. I sat quietly and watched. They ask him to choose and he didn’t choose them. Have they come to use with a spirit of reconciliation, remorse or love this could be avoided. We gave them 10 years to change. So we walked away.
Write letters, be remorseful, listen to why they no longer want to see you. Is God humbling you? I know this is hard to hear and I don’t want to hurt you but I can’t help his family see, maybe you will and find joy and reconciliation. We humbled ourselves to them and set boundaries, they didn’t like that, they wanted their own way. To be respectful we stopped arguing, stopped fighting and we continue to pray.
Oh Phil, we have written, we have apologized, we have requested that they speak to us so we can make amends. Her husband also kicked her closest friend out of their lives because she was against what they were doing to us. She tried to speak to our daughter but she would not listen to anything her friend had to say. She was poisoned against her friend by lies her husband told her. She is now isolated from her entire family and her best friend. We were called “narcissistic” – my husband was diagnosed w/cancer, we had just moved from a tranquil home to a manic city – It appears they want everything their way – if we don’t tow the mark we are kicked out. We pray unceasingly and have many people praying for us. We were never able to speak to our daughter. Everything was filtered through her husband and we caught him in a couple lies. But it fit his narrative. We treated our son in law better than his parents did. We got along very wel with him over 18 years and enjoyed his company. We would never have told our daughter she should choose between her husband or us. NEVER. It is a living hell because no matter what we write, no matter how we humble ourselves to them, our letters go off into the abyss. Nothing anyone says could hurt me. I appreciate your honesty and your willingness to take your time to write. I willkeep sending loving notes and keep praying. I offered to see a Christian Counselor w/our daughter but I was never responded to. We have been so willing to just hear what we did and where we can make amends to begin healing. I just continue to pray for a third party, for one of the pastors to be led by God to be a peacemaker where we can see a glimmer of hope. We are not prideful people and would be thankful to be able to just listen to their grievances. I know they have them. We continue to wake up every day in our nightmare and now with Christmas it is a living hell. There are 40 million of us – it’s pandemic in the U.S. I was just reading R.C. Sproul about how the family in America has changed so drastically and he is concerned, as is Ravi Zacharias about the broken families. We continue to pray and seek guidance. I honestly don’t know what else to do. We are going to go and try to see them sometime after the first of tghe year. I hope our daughter will see us. I am saddened for your children that they cannot see their grandparents. You all should see a Christian Counselor – this is not the way God wants families to treat each other. I understand if the parents are abusive to you but were they to the children?
I have read the above correspondence and One thing I must admit too is the fact I have never learned how to set parameters on putting people before myself … and the other aspect is the fact we may see clearly someone elses strife without the ability to see our own … with this said, I will offer my mortal perspective. Each person is accountable for their own actions. I am seeing you reaching out to your daughter but her husband seems to be controlling her …. as unfortunate as this situation is, I have realized until a person realuzes they and only they are responsible how the rest of their life will transpire … possibly without any communication with their famy/friends … and only their husband … and truly be allowed to exist in their situation … they and only they can realize and change … it is during this time of being alone and experiencing that God can TRULY work and speak to their heart and soul. (this happens to be the phase I am in … it is most unpleasant and confusing but I will say it is drawing me closer to God because I am truly alone) God has a way of working beyond our most vivid imagination … the REAL goal is for each of us to be prepared for heaven and accepted … so as grim as this may sound, healing of your family relationship may not come in your mortal lifetime but it will exist in heaven. The most powerful thing you or I or anyone can do at this point is pray for God’s Divine power, love, mercy and protection for everyone involved … let His Will be done on earth as it is in heaven by giving Him Glory through living our lives. The more we focus on Him and rely on Him … the quicker He can work and subsequently give us the desires of our hearts … the focus MUST first be on Him. Thank you for reading.
I thought your response to your reader was very well done. I too come from a toxic abusive family. My mother was very abusive and when I became a Christian, her abuse became even worse – to the point where I had to cut ties. Gently confronting didn’t help; trying to love her into loving me didn’t work. I was the family scapegoat and another sibling was the favourite (golden child). I started off with boundaries, unfortunately they didn’t work and actually made her abuse of me even worse. My mother exhibits what is called Narcissistic Personality Disorder – and the family dynamic I grew up in is called a ‘narcissistic family.’ I mention this because when your reader expressed how she’s being treated and about the favouritism, I wondered if maybe she comes from a same kind of family.
My experiences with such a family did not end well. Things got so bad that I no longer have relationships with any family at all. Being the scapegoat of the family was a burden I could no longer bear and could no longer have anything to do with them. ( 2 Tim. 3:1-5). I hope your reader has better luck, but if her family dynamic is narcissistic, setting boundaries may make things worse, and I hope she knows that severing ties from people who do not change is not sinful when they cause so much strife and discord. My heart goes out to her as narcisstic families are not only toxic but very painful.
I’m so sorry to hear this 🙁 Hopefully you are in a much better place now. (Not like Heaven, lol, but here on Earth)
I married into narcissistic family but I did not know it for the first few years that my husband and i dated. He is an only child with a severe covert NPD mother and enabling father. I have contorted myself in every way possible to keep his parents happy. After a while my husband put his foot down and that’s when the tent finally collapsed and his parents ripped their masks off completely and just got sloppy with the toxic behavior. His mother came to visit us once and said “well when I’m mean to you I don’t get to see my son”. We currently have limited to no contact with them. They basically want us to pay no nevermind to their behavior and basically just deal with it. Their main focus is their son who does keep minimal contact with them. I don’t know what the future looks like with them. I love my husband very much but there are days that make me wonder would it really just make them that happy if I left my husband? Who wants their child divorced? It’s a disgusting dynamic. And I wish that I could have a somewhat normal in-law relationship but unfortunately that is not the case
I hate to say this but it is a relief reading some of these posts. Now I don’t feel so alone in family drama, not that I wish any of it on anybody. Over 2 years ago, we found out my brother and his wife were stealing from my mom’s bank acct. This is after they bullied their way into my mom’s house after being told they could not move in. Once moved in they had been spending thousands of dollars and my mom was going without and was almost broke. The whole family was furious. However, my sister in law is the queen of victims and can play that roll to a T. Now she and my brother were stealing from my mom. We confronted my brother and he wouldn’t own up to it but when we got my mom’s statements it was devastating at the amount of $$ they stole so my other brother sent the paperwork into the district attorney. She did absolutely nothing. So we hired an attorney to gain control over my mom and her estate. What a joke that was. In the meantime my sister in law accused me (because I lost my temper) of assaulting her then putting a restraining order on me lying I had assaulted her and my mother neither of which I did . it took her 9 days to put the assault charge in. I have never been a violent person never touched her or my mother. This woman said to another relative that she did that to help me with my anger. The assaults weren’t true. The worst part is my mother took their side after everything. Said she wanted them to be power of attorney and made them POA and left my brother and I who were trying to help her left us out in the dust. It was the most horrific thing I have ever been through. However, God is a good God and He has shown me how to let it go, forgive and move on. I have turned my mother over to the Lord and also my brother and his wife. I pray for them and when I feel myself getting angry or upset I just pray for blessing on them. Also, I have not stepped foot in my mother’s house for over 2 years or talked to her. They have lied to her about me and she believes it, so be it. She’s forgiven and that’s all I can do. This is not the first time my brother and his wife have pulled stuff like this on me but it is the last. I won’t associate with them because they are toxic people and my health is worth far more than their friendship or relationship.
Wow, that’s truly terrible of them. I’m surprised your mom allowed all of that to happen. But she’s a grown woman, and that’s her choice, I guess. You did all you could, and I don’t think you’re in the wrong at all for removing yourself from the situation. So sad though.
I don’t agree with your advice. Maybe in certain situations, removing yourself from the situation is best (like if the family is abusive or violent). Advising someone to cut ties with THEIR MOTHER and SIBLINGS because they aren’t the favorite child is not biblical. You should be advising that they PRAY (never mentioned in your post) for salvation for their family (if not already), softened hearts of family members and a change in their own heart to not feel the way they do. The reader that you quoted obviously wants love and attention from her family….”politely” explaing & removing herself is the last thing she should do. She should pray for thicker skin & try loving them better. Maybe the other sibling is the “favorite” because they call more or their kids are younger (everyone prefers babies & toddlers over teenagers that stay glued to their phones).
If the issue truly is that a child simply isn’t the favorite, I would absolutely agree. This article is about *toxic* family members though. Family members that you have already tried to talk to and reason with, but who choose to simply destroy, manipulate and undermine every chance they get anyways. If things can be worked out – they absolutely should be! But once it reaches the point where staying is simply allowing/enabling the other person to sin, I do believe there comes a point when removing ourselves from the situation in hopes of repentance and reconciliation is in order.
I wholeheartedly agree with Brittany! Enough is enough, for health, mentally, spiritually, and even physically!!! DEPART, having no contact ever again.
Sometimes moving out is the best thing to do, as in my case. I have told myself I would not talk bad about my mom anymore so no details unfortunately but my case is no different. When u sit her down and state your case it turns into war all the time, and she gets defensive we get nowhere really. The word of God tells us to DO OUR BEST to live at peace with everyone, sometimes if ur always attacked for no reason the solution is removing yourself from the line of fire. That helps cos then you could visit and see them less often, which will allow u less pain and also help the person to stop abusive behavior (u can’t be abusive if you don’t have a victim ha ha ) . If u can totally disregard moving out as an option I wonder if you really know what a toxic family is, why stay in a miserable house?? If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and there is also a verse that says don’t make the Holy Spirit sad si continuing to stay with abusive people breaks our spirits and makes it difficult to pray. In a separate space you regain your strength and can actually fast for the broken relationship because some demons Don leave unless you fast… And still Isiah book says don’t fast if ur holding a grudge but once you move out I know if you are a loving person you are in a better state to fight the devil. Hope it helps
Thank you so much for this article, it is truly a God send. My mother-in-law, and her mother have unfortunately chosen this path. They berate me to my husband, and are very disrespectful to my disabled father (who lives with us). They find any way to monopolize my husbands time constantly. (Every day off from work) After about a year of this, I could tell him exactly when they would call. They demanded he come fix whatever problem either of them had. Whenever I voiced concern to one, I received a phone call from the other. They made my concern seem selfish. (I was 7 months pregnant/ high risk) He was made to drive 450 miles away because his grandmother guilted him into it. They come in our home and act as it’s theirs. Moving things around, throwing things away, and bringing over their dogs. (I’m allergic)
I pray daily for them and for God to grant me a solution. The most difficult part is that they make my husband feel like he is turning his back on his family, if he doesn’t do what they say. I am going to have him read this article because it is more elequently out than anything I have said so far.
Thank you again and God bless you!!
Wow! Have you talked to your husband about this?? What does he say?
I’m still feeling at a loss.
My stress lies with my sister inlaw. 8 so badly want to love her and have a sisterly relationship like I do with my sister and my other sister inlaw, but she is so distant and hard to engage.
We’ve never had a great relationship. In the beginning, we played lots of games, but I often felt discouraged because she was constantly on her phone and my side of the conversation was often missed. Which was fine. More recently, my husband and I moved away. My sister inlaw and her daughter often come to visit and this is where the conflict has truly begun. From the moment she walks in the door, I feel like a doormat. I take care of her kid along with my own, clean up, and make all the meals. I don’t mind serving, but I struggle to be a constant cheerful server in the situation. There is never appreciation of any kind. Not for giving them a place to stay, for babysitting so she can get things done, for the meals, nothing. No conversation can be had as she is on her phone the whole time unless she is doing the talking.
I try to make conversation. Struggle and pray over myself to love selflessly. But I am at a loss. All I want is for our relationship to heal. For us to get along. I pray and pray. I often feel pushed to say something, but worry the words won’t be right. Avoidance is not the solution, but I really don’t know what to do anymore.
They are coming for a full week and I have never dreaded something so much in my life..
Have you told her how you feel? Is she even aware of the situation?
That is exactly what my husband and I had to do. His family is super toxic and put a huge strain on us in the beginning of our marriage. And when we found out we were going through infertility they were do selfish and unsympathetic we had to put some distance. It’s sad but we haven’t been happier!
Yuck. I’m sorry to hear that 🙁 Glad things turned out alright in the end though! Hopefully that was just the wake-up call they need.
I totally agree with removing yourself from the situation when your health is threatened. God’s word says in Ecclesiastes 21:2, “Flee from sin as from the face of a serpent: for if thou comest too near it, it will bite thee: the teeth thereof are as the teeth of a lion, slaying the souls of men.” I certainly know what that means, trying for 40+ years to tolerate family members who refused to take responsibility for bad behavior (to put it mildly). It got to the point where I was breaking teeth and spent over $10,000 on dental work, and now have irreversible high blood pressure. The anger had no place to go. My wife told me it was either them or her. I was holding on to “Honor thy mother and father” which incidentally is the old convenant which we are no longer under when we trust Jesus as Lord. I also think as believers seeking God’s heart, that we will know when a toxic family relationship is actually coming between us and Him.
signs…..
what happens if they won’t stop, what happens if the rest of your families are ganging up on you, what happens if you are on a brink of a nervous breakdown and hear your mother tells you “BUT I LOVE YOU’?
what happens if God has abandoned you because in His infinite wisdom?
That doesn’t sound good at all! Honestly, if it were me (and this is just my personal opinion), I would absolutely create some distance for my own mental health. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love them or that you don’t care what happens to them. But if being around them is about to make you have a nervous breakdown, then there is nothing wrong with getting some space. I actually went through a period of life where I pretty much cut off all ties with EVERYONE (except my husband) for a couple of years. It was so healing.
And secondly, God NEVER abandons us and stops loving us. Just because you can’t feel Him doesn’t mean He’s not there or that He doesn’t care. Really 🙂
I agree that although a child needs to honour their parents, protecting and nurturing their own children is more important. Gently creating and maintaining healthy boundaries between your children and toxic family members is the right thing to do. It is the only way to break the cycle. I am currently working through the book “Will I ever be good enough?” by Karyl McBride and I would strongly recommend it. From the comments I get the feeling that there are many of us dealing with a narcissistic parent. The book affirms the fact that toxic family members may not change, but guides you to find peace with that. We want to reach a place where we can safely love and pray for the toxic ones without being continually hurt.
It is also extremely important that you remind your children every single day that they (and you) are UNCONDITIONALLY loved by you and by God. Your extended family’s inability to show unconditional love is not a reflection of you or your children. You are all lovable and precious in your Father’s eyes. Don’t ever forget that.
Such good encouragement. Thanks!