Not in the mood for sex anymore? Don’t let no sex drive or low sex drive derail your marriage. Here are 4 reasons you’re never in the mood (and how to fix it).
It’s 9:00 pm. The kids are finally in bed.
The house is picked up — at least most of the way. Field trips forms are signed, lunch money’s in backpacks, everyone’s shoes are lined up neatly by the door, ready for another big day tomorrow.
You breathe a sigh of relief. Your long day is finally over.
You can’t wait to grab some ice cream, plop on the couch, and finally get a little bit of “me time” all to yourself, without little hands touching you. Bliss.
There’s just one problem.
One glance at your husband and it’s pretty easy to see that he has something else in mind…
After sharing you with the kids all day, he can’t wait to have you all to himself.
Only problem is: You are a female who is NOT in the mood. There is just NO sex drive.
You immediately feel annoyed. (“Why does my husband want sex all the time??”)
Then you feel guilty. (“Why am I not in the mood for sex anymore? Why do I have a low sex drive OR NO sex drive?”)
But mostly, you just feel tired. Can’t you ever have any time for yourself???
Well, the good news is: It’s not just you.
In fact, literally HUNDREDS (if not thousands) of Christian women before you have all come to this same article by Googling some variation of “I am a female and never in the mood” or “Why am I never in the mood for sex anymore?” or “Why don’t I want to have sex?”
And the even better news is: Your low sex drive (or no sex drive) doesn’t have to stay this way. There is hope.
Because while there’s nothing wrong with wanting an occasional evening all to yourself, when you find yourself constantly turning down sex with your husband, that’s a problem. And it’s time to change that.
That’s why, in today’s post, I’m sharing four reasons you’re not in the mood for sex anymore – plus plenty of tips for fixing it so you can actually enjoy and look forward to sex with your husband once again!
Let’s dive in!
Not in the Mood for Sex Anymore? This Will Help!
By the way — if you feel like you’re never in the mood for sex anymore, but you wish you could be, one really great resource I absolutely recommend is the “Boost Your Libido eCourse” by Sheila Wray Gregoire of To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
I’ve been following Sheila’s blog for some time now and I love how she gives truly Christian sex advice that’s actually really helpful, without getting gross, awkward or sharing TMI. It’s actually really down-to-earth, relatable and really funny — like talking to your big sister for advice.
In this course she covers a lot about libido (normal, low or no sex drive), what causes it, what affects it, and tons of easy and practical steps you can take to enjoy sex with your husband once again.
So if this is a part of your marriage you could maybe stand to improve, I would absolutely encourage you to check it out and see if it may be a good fit for you!
*This post contains affiliate links, which means if you make a purchase, I may make a small commission at no additional cost to you. This helps cover the many costs of running this site and allows me to help provide for my growing family. Thanks!
4 Reasons You’re Not in the Mood for Sex Anymore
1. You’re Tired and Stressed
In asking yourself, “Why don’t I want to have sex?” … many of us feel like we can already answer that!
I don’t have any official statistics on this, but I wouldn’t be surprised if some combination of stress and/or tiredness was the #1 reason women have no sex drive and are seemingly never in the mood for sex anymore.
Maybe you find yourself something like, “I am WAY too exhausted. I don’t want to have sex.”
Between working, taking care of the children, keeping up with the housework, and all of the bajillion things we women do on a daily basis, it’s a lot to handle! It’s only natural then, that something has to fall by the wayside.
Unfortunately, all too often, it’s our marriages that suffer as a result. Sex feels like another chore, or something you have to cross off your already too long to-do list.
This is especially true for moms of littles, who can be seriously DONE with all the constant touching by the end of the day, but it doesn’t stop there. Even if your kids are grown or you have no children at all, tiredness and stress can take a serious toll on your love life.
And as a result — you find yourself not in the mood!
How to Fix it:
If you are so stressed out or so tired that it’s taking a toll on your marriage to the point you are not in the mood, you have to find ways to create margin and rest.
- Block off time for rest. Mark it on your calendar, guard it with your life, and then use it well. (This podcast I did on rest is SUPER helpful)
- Cut back on your obligations and commitments – at least for this season. You (and your children) don’t have to be involved in everything that comes your way.
- Delegate what you can. Maybe your husband can cook dinner sometimes, your kids can do more chores, or you can sign up for a service like $5 Meal Plans where they’ll do all your meal planning for you. (Click here to get two weeks free)
- Do something fun and relaxing. Get a mani/pedi. Read a book. Go sit at Starbucks by yourself for a half an hour. Go shopping with girlfriends. You may be surprised how much a little time away can really rejuvenate you and increase that low sex drive.
These tips will help turn your “I am not in the mood” into “I am SO in the mood!”
And don’t forget – sex is a great stress reliever… (just saying)
2. You Have an Underlying Physical Condition
It’s absolutely amazing what complex creatures God created us women to be. Unfortunately, with so much going on under the surface, all it takes is one small change to throw our hormone levels out of whack to leave us saying, “I don’t want to have sex!”
Pregnancy, menopause, depression, thyroid levels, birth control and other medications… these are all physical conditions that can have a major impact on us physically, emotionally and sexually. Not to mention the natural rise and fall our hormones experience as we go through our cycles every month. (Did you know women have higher libidos when they’re fertile? Makes sense!)
Not only do conditions like these reduce sexual desire, but they can even make sex uncomfortable, painful or even impossible at times, which in turn just reduces your libido even more.
While some variation in sex drive is completely normal and natural, if you’re truly never in the mood (or it’s very rare), a physical condition may be to blame.
How to Fix it:
Sheila has a whole module in her “Boost Your Libido” ecourse about hormones, so if you suspect you may have some type of hormonal imbalance at play, that may be a good place to start.
Otherwise, if you’re worried your low sex drive may be something more serious (like Vaginismus, which makes sex next to impossible) talk to your doctor! Sure, it may feel awkward at first, but you’d go to the doctor if you had the flu, and your low sex drive deserves just as much care as the rest of your body. Besides, doctors are totally used to questions like these.
Hopefully the problem is a quick fix, such as using a little extra lubrication or taking a simple vitamin or hormonal supplement. Even if the problem is bigger, however, you will want to know so you can do something about it.
3. You Have Hurts and Hang-ups from Your Past
If only sex were purely a physical thing, it would be so much easier. The fact of the matter is, though, that sex isn’t just physical – it’s emotional and spiritual as well. And this means that sexual hurts and hang-ups from your past can still haunt you today.
Whether you suffered rape or abuse, you had someone leave you or cheat on you in the past, you had experiences that left you feeling like you didn’t measure up, or you simply have low self-esteem, all of these can make it incredibly difficult to open up in the bedroom.
Even being raised in a super strict religious setting that taught that “sex is dirty/shameful” or “good girls don’t like sex” can have a major impact.
(This post talks about that more: 7 Lies Christian Women Believe About Sex)
The good news is, the hurts and hang-ups from your past don’t have to hold you back forever.
How to Fix it:
- Start by identifying exactly what you’re feeling. Are you feeling frightened, vulnerable, ashamed, insecure or something else?
- Try to figure out what is causing it. Can you identify a situation in your past that made you feel the same way? Can you remember when this feeling started? Is there something specific that triggers it?
- Talk to your husband about it. Whether it was a major event or simply a limiting belief, your husband deserves to know what is holding you back.
- Proclaim the truth. If the problem involves a lie about your past, it’s time to proclaim the truth. Perhaps something along the lines of “My husband loves me. Just because someone else hurt me does not mean he will.” or “I am a beautiful, much-loved daughter of God. God intended for me to connect with my husband in this way.” This post on how to take every thought captive has step-by-step instructions to walk you through this process.
- Speak to a trusted counselor. Depending on the nature of your past hurts, simply talking to your husband and filling your mind with positive thoughts may not be enough. Do not be afraid to speak to a trusted counselor or another very Godly woman about your past as well. They won’t judge you. They’re just there to help.
There are some great resources to help you overcome past hurts and trauma in the “Boost Your Libido” ecourse as well.
4. There are Unresolved Issues Between You and Your Husband
Lastly, if the reason you are never in the mood is because of an issue between you and your husband, you owe it to the both of you to work on it together.
-
- Perhaps your feelings are hurt or you’re having a difficult time trusting him because of something he did or did not do.
- Perhaps you suspect your husband watches pornography or that he’s dangerously close to an affair.
- Perhaps he really does have a terrible bedroom technique and you need to find a polite way to suggest that you try something different. (These Christian sex tips might be helpful!)
- Perhaps he is being a jerk, and you’re having a hard time respecting him.
Whatever it is – he deserves to know. Don’t give the devil a foothold in your marriage by allowing this thing, whatever it is, to cause you to have low sex drive and come between you and your husband.
How to Fix it: Find a quiet, calm time to sit down and discuss why you’re never in the mood together, even if you only discuss one small piece at a time. It may not be easy, and it may take some time, but it will be worth it.
*Related: Four Marriage Communication Skills that Prevent Fights
Bonus Reason: You’re out of Practice
Oh, and one more reason. Sometimes, there really isn’t a problem at all. You’ve just gotten lazy, picked up some bad habits or fallen out of practice. Yes. I said it. This “no sex drive thing” just might be all you.
The good news is, this is an easy fix: Have sex anyways.
Sex is like a muscle. If you don’t use it, you lose it. The less often you have sex, the less you will want to. The more often you have sex, the more you will want to. (Generally speaking, and within reason)
And the truth is, you don’t have to be in the mood to have sex. It’s completely okay to snuggle up together and just see where it takes you. No, your husband should never force you or try to guilt you into it if you are absolutely set against having sex tonight. But it’s okay to give your husband a gift even when you don’t feel like it. I bet he does that for you all the time in other ways.
(And, chances are, you WILL feel like it once you get started. It’s just the getting started that takes some work).
So, what do you think?
Are you tired of always saying “Not tonight, honey” and ready to really connect with your husband in the way that God intended you to instead?
Do you ask yourself, “Why don’t I want to have sex?”
If so, I’d love for you to go check out the “Boost Your Libido” ecourse and see what it has to offer.
With 10 light-hearted and fun (but also seriously helpful) modules, Boost Your Libido will help you:
- Uncover the connection between your thoughts and your sex life
- Learn how your hormones, diet and exercise affect your libido
- Learn how to LOVE your body so you can enjoy each other without shame
- Find healing from past hurts so you can finally ENJOY sex with your husband.
Honestly, sex is SUCH a tricky topic, I’d really caution you to be careful where you get your information from. So much of the content out there does NOT line up with what the Bible teaches about God’s plan for sex — but this course does!
It’s fun, funny, seriously helpful AND Biblically sound. What more could you ask for? Learn more today:
**By the way, it’s not just women who aren’t in the mood. If you’re raring to go but your husband’s the one who is never in the mood, here are a couple of good articles for you:
Hopefully, this article has helped you understand why you are not in the mood or wondering “Why don’t I want to have sex?”
I also hope it has given you some helpful tips so that you are able to enjoy sex with your husband once again!
Share if you feel comfortable – Do you have no sex drive or low sex drive? Do you ask yourself, “Why don’t I want to have sex?” What’s standing in your way?
Brittany
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I also know that I am often not in the mood, but once we get started I get into the mood quite quickly. As wives and moms, we often have so much on our minds that sex is the last thing. Here’s the thing, when I make the decision to “just do it,” I am so glad that I did.
I worried a little bit to write that because I don’t want people to get the wrong idea – it’s not about him forcing you when you truly don’t want to. But you get what I mean 🙂 And it really does work!
I can see why you might worry. I’m glad that you wrote it anyway. 🙂
Young bride here with no children. My husband and I both struggle with depression so our sex drives are all over the place and it has nothing to do with attraction. Sometime I am the farthest thing from aroused. But as another commenter said sometimes you just have to “Do it!!” And the body will follow. 🙂
awww, that stinks 🙁 Have you talked to your doctor about it? If it’s a medical issue causing problems then it’s perfectly legit to seek a medical solution to it. Sex just gets harder after kids, unfortunately, so now is a good time to focus on that!