Is Lying to Your Spouse Ever Okay?

🌺 Published by Brittany Ann

 Is Lying to Your Spouse Ever Okay?PinSo, I have a friend that lies to her spouse. 

There are certain places her spouse doesn’t want her to go, but she doesn’t like her spouse telling her what to do, so she goes anyways. And she just doesn’t tell him.

Or maybe she’ll say she’s going one place – and she really does – but then she leaves and goes somewhere else. All while neglecting to tell him about the second place.

 

Now, before you get too judgmental… (because yes, Christians are supposed to judge, but not without knowing the situation or doing it with the right attitude). Her situation isn’t as unique as you might think.

The truth is… pretty much all of us lie to our spouses on one occasion or another. Sometimes even regularly.

It may be a huge lie like an affair or how much we spend online shopping. Or a small lie like saying we’re fine when we’re not.

 

Have you ever:

  • Hidden your receipts so your husband wouldn’t know how much you spent or on what?
  • Closed out of an internet browser so he wouldn’t see what you were looking at?
  • Told him a story about your day, but purposely left out some pretty key details because you know they would make him mad?
  • Pretended to enjoy sex more than you really did to protect his ego?
  • Told him you LOVE his friend, his family, his new haircut or your new gift when it couldn’t be any further from the truth?

I’m going to go out on a limb and bet that you have. We all have.

 

And yet, Psalm 12:22 says:

“The Lord detests lying lips,
but he delights in people who are trustworthy.”

 

And what’s even more scary, Revelation lumps liars in with murderers. Yikes!

“Outside are the dogs, those who practice magic arts, the sexually immoral, the murderers, the idolaters and everyone who loves and practices falsehood.”

 

Whether it’s a big lie, a little lie or even a lie said with good intentions, God takes lying seriously. And it’s no surprise. Lying is a great way to erode your marriage. Here’s how.

 

1. Lying Destroys Intimacy

 

God designed marriage so that a man and a woman would become one. Every time you lie to your spouse, you destroy intimacy and put a distance in between you and your spouse that prevents this from happening. You set part of your life and your self aside and refuse to share. You can’t become one when you’re not all in.

 

2. It Sets You Up for More Lies in the Future

 

Every time you lie and get away with it, it gets that much easier to lie again the next time. Not only do you not want to share the information you’ve already hidden, but you inevitably find more information you want to hide as well. In some instances, this can lead to some pretty big lies.

After all, no one starts out looking for an affair or to wrack up 30,000 in debt their husband doesn’t know about. It all starts with the decision to be dishonest once, and then snowballs from there.

 

Related: 5 Things You and Your Spouse Should Talk About – But Don’t

 

3. It Erodes Trust

 

And what happens when your husband finds out you’ve lied? It makes it that much more difficult for him to trust you in the future.

Honestly, trust is something that does not come easily to me, personally. But thankfully, honesty is a quality that’s very important to my husband, and he’ll straight up tell me things he does that I don’t like rather than trying to hide them from me.

It may make me angry at the minute when he does things I don’t like. But it makes it SO much easier to trust him because I know he’ll always keep me in the loop about what’s going on.

 

This can be true of a parent and child relationship too! If this is something you’re dealing with, you should check out 11 Bible Verses that Address Lying (and How to Talk to Your Kids About It)

 

4. It Prevents Your Husband from Loving You

 

One of the best feelings in life is to really know and be known by your husband, to know that he knows you inside and out, all of your flaws, and he still adores you anyways. That he sees you and loves you for who you are.

And yet, when you lie to your husband, you prevent this from happening.

When you lie to your husband, he doesn’t get to know you, he gets to know a version of you that’s not true.

And I don’t know about you, but I don’t want my husband to fall in love with some version of someone that’s kind of like me,  I want him to fall in love with me!

 

(Worried that if he really knew you, he wouldn’t love you? Don’t be! He’s your husband. He married you. He loves you. Be brave and open up! Just take it one step at a time. My Closer Marriage Conversation Cards for Couples would be a good place to start.)

 

5. It Gives the Devil a Foothold

 

Ephesians 4:27 says “and do not give the devil a foothold.”

For those of you who don’t know, a foothold is a strong, sturdy place to hold your foot, especially while climbing. Without a foothold, you wouldn’t be able to climb. You’d slide right off the rock. But with a foothold, you have a secure place from which to act and move.

And when you give the devil a foothold, you do exactly this.

 

As Christians, the devil should have NO power over us. “It is finished.” Jesus won. We are victorious. We are more than conquerors (Romans 8:31-39).

But when we give the devil a foothold – typically through sin – we give him a place from which to influence us, work in our lives and torment us.

This is scary stuff you guys!! You DON’T want this to happen! And avoiding sin is one way to help prevent it from happening.

 

**By the way, if you think you may be struggling with spiritual warfare or the consequences of giving the devil a foothold, I HIGHLY recommend reading one or both of these two books – both by Neil T. Anderson. I’ve read both and they are EXCELLENT.

*These are affiliate links. Please see my full disclosure policy for additional information. 

 

 The Bondage Breaker: Overcoming Negative Thoughts, Irrational Feelings, Habitual Sins

 

 The Steps to Freedom in Christ

 

There are certain things I will not go NEAR now after reading these books. Scary stuff.

 

Do I Have to Tell My Spouse EVERYTHING?

 

I did one to mention one more thing real fast:

Just because you shouldn’t lie to your spouse does NOT mean that you have to tell them every little thing. It’s okay to keep your mouth shut about how annoying your mother in law is, how terrible his breath is first thing in the morning or how much his snoring drives you crazy. There’s no reason to share every little thought that comes in your mind, especially if it’s not kind.

You just have to consider why you aren’t sharing. Is it something that doesn’t need to be said or is it something you are specifically hiding? If you’re specifically hiding something, then it’s probably something you shouldn’t be doing in the first place and something you need to share. But some things simply don’t need to be said.

Like your mama taught you, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

(Change the subject, or if you have to, try to put it in a super nice way then distract him with bacon. Everyone loves bacon. 🙂 )

 

Are there any areas of your life that you need to practice being more truthful in?

 

Brittany Ann

Brittany Ann is an author, speaker, and founder of EquippingGodlyWomen.com, a popular Christian-living website dedicated to helping women be “all in” in faith and family.

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  1. Although I am not married, this article is great for relationships in general. I want to be authentic as a believer for Christ. I greatly appreciate the gift that God has given you! I’m thankful, also, for what He is showing me about myself through His truth.

  2. Having been married to my husband for over 45 years, I sit here today with a broken heart because he has such an overwhelming spirit of lying that he would rather lie than tell the truth. I keep confronting and forgiving, but, it is like living Groundhog Day over again every day. I am 70 years old, my children have rejected me, I am not allowed to see my grandchildren, I have no family relationships because I always think that my husband is going to decide to change. I am afraid of the deep depression and hopelessness that both of us are experiencing. Sorry to be so negative but I just must release the grief and sadness that plagues me over and over.

    1. Awww, I’m sorry to hear that! The good news is that it is NEVER too late to make a change. What is one small step you could do, starting today, to make things different? Reach out to a family member? Talk to your husband?

      1. I too have a husband that is Hardly ever honest. We have been married five years and my trust is all but gone. I love the man somethin fierce but I am at the point that without trust I few there is NO real marriage. To add to it he works a night shift that doesn’t allow for face to face most days of the week and he is fixated on the phone and tv most days. He is a great worker/provider but I am ready to tell him to leave. I have kids from a previous marriage and he is teaching them that lying is ok. It’s been seven years together five after he vowed to “honor” our marriage. I do not feel honored or that he loves me enough to be honest. Lady’s DoNt marry the LYER

  3. I have kept things from my husband, for one reason, because he is hot-tempered and refuses to hear details. One recent event was my teenage son had purchased a phone from a friend of his (his Dad took his away, for good reason); however, I was not aware of this until around the holidays. I did not tell my husband. Because my son was angry with him and both my son and husband have anger issues and things get very physical during their heated discussions. His younger brother also knew about the phone but did not tell his dad because he didn’t want to hear or see the fighting. I spoke to my son and told him that he needed to come clean with his father and tell him he had the phone because it was causing stress for me and his younger brother because we were aware of his deception. I must have approached my son several times and finally gave him an ultimatum that I was going to go to his father and tell him right after the holidays. I prayed to God to give me wisdom and discernment about how to handle this appropriately. My son finally went to his dad and gave him the phone. Also, telling his dad that me and his younger brother knew and that we told him to give it up. Were we wrong for not telling sooner? My husband has been silent about the issue since my son confessed.

    1. I don’t think so. It wasn’t your secret to tell; it was your sons. I think it was good that you gave him time to confess himself, but made sure that he did. I probably would have done the same thing, honestly.

  4. Pingback: Yes, Your Christian Husband Probably Watches PornAnd No, Hes Probably Not a Pervert - Powered by InterDigitel
  5. My wife lied to me today. She felt that i did not want her to visit a friend but the reason was that her friend was married to a black man whom cheated on her friend and i did not want her to go into his home. She and her other friend told me a lie and said they were only shopping for her husband a suit. All lies will be evident after being commited, and God knows better than me. Now, i cannot trust her anymore even though i have loved her with the bottom of my heart and given to her all that is possible. I am not perfect but i have tired to be for her in the last few years. I am very sad to know she prefers her friends over me by lying to me on the pretense that i would or did not let her go to that home. I feel real betrayed to the bottom of my heart. I am too old to think about having someone else in my life but to know i have to live with someone i cannot have any faith in anymore is a weight my heart cannot carry.

      1. My husband was hanging out w one of my friends and both swear it was innocen, though I was working and her husband as well. He told me she was asking personal questions of our marriage and he continued to tell her of our issues. This happened alot and I asked him on 3 separate occasions not to speak w her outside of me as I was uncomfortable. Only God and two people I thought I could trust knows what happened in all that time. They moved away from here and my husband and I haven’t had any other fights since. It’s hard to have friends I can trust. It eats me alive everyday but I try to stay calm.

      2. I’m so sorry you’re feeling that way! I hope you and your husband can get past this once and for all.

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