Guest Post by Misty of Joy in the Journey
As I left for a recent blogging trip my husband asked me to please watch my lead foot. He then asked me to keep it no more than 4 mph over the speed limit. I laughed him off and headed on my way.
Shortly after leaving I was put to the test. My lead foot wanted to push the limit and get to my destination quickly. However, my heart reminded me of my husband’s request.
I wrestled back and forth for awhile.
He’s not here, he won’t even know.
He asked you to drive slower because he loves you.
Yea, but what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.
Then a still voice whispered, “Just because he doesn’t see it doesn’t make it any less wrong.”
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Submission is important.
I asked myself after that, how if I can’t submit to my husband whom I see and love every day, how can I submit to God?
I pulled over to the side of the road and prayed. For me submission is not easy. I come from a long line of independent women. My mother reminds me regularly that I am far too dependent on my husband. My grandmother has told me to never obey a man, and over and over again growing up I heard the words, “What he don’t know, won’t hurt him”.
There is no wonder why I struggle with submission. Yet, submission is important.
Our husbands are with us, day in day out. They love us provide for us, and guide our homes. Yet, how often do we balk at submission? Think it’s outdated? Unimportant?
But, it’s not.
God is not with us, yet we are to obey His word. If we can’t do that with our husbands who are here on earth with us, how can we submit to God’s will?
The Bible tells us in Ephesians 5:22 to “Submit yourselves unto your own husbands as unto the Lord.”
It then says again in Colossians 3:18, “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fitting in the Lord.”
So, I ask you now, if we can’t submit to our husbands how can we submit to God?
The world will tell us that submission is not necessary, that obeying our husbands or following their lead leaves us weak and dependent. But the Bible says,
And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.~Romans 12:2
And what is the will of God? That we submit ourselves to our husbands. The world may not understand submission, but we are not to be conformed to this world.
Ladies, I know this is not an easy topic. Submission is an area where we want to balk, and not always follow. But, let me tell you, submission is important.
That trip for me was a test. There is no doubt about it. It was a test for our marriage. And, this time I passed.
There will be other tests I’m sure. Times when I want to mouth, times when I want to “mother” and times when I want to use a condescending tone. Some of these I may pass, some I may fail.
The same can be said for living a Christ filled life. There will be times when we are tempted, and struggle with following the will of God. Some of these tests we will pass, some we will fail. Sometimes we will submit to God’s will, sometimes we will foolishly try to follow our own path.
Submission is not easy; it is an area where many of us will struggle. Yet, submission is important.
I look at my daughters who will one day be mothers and wives. I am reminded of the verse in Titus 2:4 that says, “That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children.”
I want to teach my daughters that submission is not a bad word. I want them to grow up and love their husbands. I want them to teach my grandchildren the word of God. I want them to live a Godly life. This starts in MY home, and their views of marriage starts with MY marriage, their views of submitting to God starts with how I live my life.
Submission is important.
Do you ever struggle to submit to your husband? What do you do when the temptation hits?
Misty Bailey is a Christian wife and work-at-home homeschool mom. She resides with her family in Southern Ohio. She shares her struggles with time management, becoming unglued, homeschooling and finding joy in the everyday moments on her blog Joy in the Journey. You can also find her on Facebook and Pinterest.
Thanks for letting me guest post Brittany!
Thanks for the great post!
This is a real struggle in today’s world and culture. And I struggle with it as well, and I really wonder if it is simply semantics. If I substitute the word “respect” for submit, it is a much easier pill to swallow. I respect my husband’s opinions. And he respects mine. But he has the final say in all contested decisions. Is that submission or respect?
I think too this is easier to understand in a Christian marriage, where the covenant of marriage is between God, Man and Woman. In this marriage the man is not going to expect things of his wife that are outside of God’s will. I would not expect a wife to submit to abuse or perversion as it is clearly outside of God’s will. Submission is not a blanket word for weak, or oppressed,
thank you for this provocative post!
TK
Hi TK! I think you hit the nail on the head with the word respect. I shared this post with my husband and his response?
” I think the word submit is outdated, respect is a much better alternative”
But even respect now a days is almost non existant. We see it in our culture, in children, in the day to day interactions in public places.
I think the key is CHOOSING to be different and choosing to treat others differently. Whether you want to call it respect, submission or something else. Make a choice and be an example to your children.
Here’s the thing….ladies….(and this is coming from someone who is NOT in a Christian marriage, and has lived a life of submission for the past 10 years of our 22 year marriage – I’m 51)
We can’t pick and choose and substitute words in Scripture like that…..and…when we look at any topic in Scripture, it’s important to look at all Scripture on it. In this area…God is very clear…and He’s not just talking to wives of Christian husbands…..and I’ll show you why….
God knew what He was doing when He wrote the Bible. He knew what words to use…and, He was in control….There are words that He used in the Bible for respect (esteem, fear, honor). If He used those words in other areas, but not this one….are you saying that He made a mistake? No. It simply serves to “justify” our lack of giving up control, if we change it.
Revelation 22:18-19 is very clear on this…
Now, regarding submitting to a non-Christian husband….Here’s what God says about it…
“Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.” 1 Peter 3:1-2
I’ve counseled and mentored many women…and, sadly used to think the way that they do starting out….I often hear…”I’ll submit as long as….” (they don’t tell me to do something against God….they don’t ask too much….they don’t develop a “god-complex”)…
Ladies, I’m here to tell you that that is not submission of any form….it’s negotiations….and it doesn’t say to negotiate with your husband…..it says to submit….and in this case, the instruction has more to do with your relationship with God than it does with your relationship with your husbands.
Why is it that in areas that we don’t “like”, we still conform to the world…because it’s more comfortable…..
Ladies, this is experience talking….before I totally submitted to my husband…the area of God was a battleground for us….he always tuned it out…but, when I submitted to him, as to God (which means completely), God started working in his heart…in huge ways….
So the choice is to obey God or not….that’s what it really comes down to.
Please, don’t try to change God’s Word to fit what you think…..it’s supposed to be the other way around, and, trust me…that way works better.
Oooh, that’s a really good point. I wouldn’t go so far as to submit to doing evil if your husband is a non-Christian. You are still to submit to God above all. But in every other way possible, absolutely. Thanks for your insights!
Hey Brittany,
What I have found, amazingly, though not surprisingly, is that, when we are obedient, completely obedient in this area, GOD will handle what they instruct us to do, and withhold them from telling us to do what is not right in God’s eyes.
I’ve seen this clearly in 22 years of marriage. When I tried to “object” to anything he said, it turned into a battle ground. But, when I submitted, completely, as to the Lord, God has changed his views on everything…proving that when I obey, He will guard me.
Putting ANY conditions on submitting to him completely, is me negotiating terms, not submitting to God. “)
Amen. Very well said. I think pride is the issue with a lot of women battling with submission. It can get in the way of fully doing the will of God.
Oooh, I wonder if it works that way with the government too. So if you were living under an unChristian government that demanded you worship idols, you should worship idols because God will protect you from doing that. Too bad no one explained that one to the martyrs, they wouldn’t have had to die.
Thank you!!!
I dont think God intended for men to be emotionally abusive to their partners or walk upon them to boost their own gender ego( not all men, behave in this horrible manner btw..). I think God wanted men to love and treat their partener with decency, not dictatorship!!! People were submissive to Hitler to out of fear, not respect or admiration.
Am getting married soon and this has helped a lot. Am a christian and i want God to lead my marriage. Thanks.
I’m so glad it encouraged you! Congrats on your engagement!
Wow Misty, Thank you for giving a very open discussion on this topic. As an Independent thinking and single mother for a long 12 years. I was always used to being in the Drivers seat so to speak. I have recently learned that is usually okay if you have no other options, but to be strong for your family such as after a death of a family member or spouse. But when you are starting over in a new life such as I am with my fiance well it can be either a blessing or a hindrance. I know he loves me and my daughter very much because he is always willing to provide for us and he has his challenges as well with being a former confirmed bachelor…I have seen him make many strides in his growth emotionally and I really have so much to be grateful for in sharing my life with him…I still have challenges with” submitting” it is a word that would make me cringe at times, but now I see that it is actually a blessing for me not against me….We will be married this Summer and I am so very happy, excited and blessed to have learned that “submission” has saved my relationship and has paved the path for our new life together…Again, I thank you for sharing your thoughts and insight….
Becca, it sounds like you have been through a lot! I am so glad this post encouraged you. Prayers to you as you begin a new journey <3
I suggest you check out the book “The Meaning of Marriage” by Timothy Keller (and wife). It does a wonderful job of describing submission within marriage. It helps me to think of the husband as the “servant-leader”, the one who is to act and lead sacrificially as Christ, and myself (soon-to-be-wife) as the “servant-helper”, the one who is to humbly accept that sacrifice and follow, just like the Church.
Thank you for the suggestion!!
I absolutely love this and know I was lead to your post for a reason. I had similar raising which lead to a wordly feminist approach in my head and thoughts that remains in my choices made growing up. Now here I am at 24, single mother, and for the first time in my church going life, in a personal relationship with God. The past few months I’ve tossed with complete and total confidence on the subject. Slowly I knew though exactly where my soften heart was growing amd molding. Definite with your post amd scriptures, I have peace in knowing that being submissive is far from the stigma the world has put on being dependent or even what it is to love amd honor your husband. This was truly a blessing.
So glad to have read.
Love, beauty, & blessings,
Mallory Allred
Mallory, thank you for sharing part of your story! Your story sounds very similar to my sisters she has been a single mom and recently gave her heart to the Lord. It has been a wonderful blessing seeing her grow, and I hope you have someone near you that can nurture you as a new believer. I am so glad this post encouraged you! Prayers as you begin this next part of your journey with Christ.
Hello, I was just looking at marriage quotes on pinterest and I clicked on this just out of curiosity to see how christians view marriage. I am not a christian, but I do enjoy studying various religions. I actually create my own spiritual practices and beliefs based on parts of any religion that I like. I truly believe that men and women are equals, and should contribute equally in marriage. For example, in matters that I do not understand or care for, my I respect my husband’s authority. However in areas that my husband doesn’t understand or care for, he also respects my authority on these matters. When I think he is wrong in something he is doing, we will have a discussion about it, and vice versa. We both believe in discussion and coming to an answer that we both agree on. Of course if I share my concerns or ideas on a topic that I am not too familiar with, he will make the final descision, and vice versa. We are both firm believers in NEVER being disrespectful to one another, and after almost four years of being together, we have never raised the tone in a disagreeable manner. Our communication is great. Have you read the book “The Five Love Languages”? It is wonderful (it is christian).
Anyways, what I wanted to say is that I think that the husband and wife should know when to “submit” to eachother. Both of their work should be viewed as equally important. Furthermore, I also believe that some women enjoy being submissive in the way you say they should, and that is ok. But I know some men enjoy to be more submissive to their wife (especially those who have a very demanding job). However, many people like to lead equally, but in different aspects within their marriage, as our our case.
For example, I have authority in food choice (health), in healing and house management. We both manage our financed separately for the moment, as we do not yet have children. We plan to make education decisions together, as his patents did and it worked out marvelously. He, on the other hand, has authority in anything mechanical, outdoor work, security matters, and the bedroom. It works out perfectly for us and we are very happy 🙂
Oh and I forgot to say, your annecdote, in my opinion, is not an example of a wife’s need to submit to her husband’s will, but rather about the importance of listening to smart advice given by your spouse. If The situation was reversed, and you had told your husband to ease on the speed, he should also have taken your concern seriously and obeyed, if he loves you… Anyways those were just my thoughts. Good day 🙂
Hi, Lua! Thanks for your input! Honestly, that’s how a lot of Christian marriages work too. For example, my husband will often defer to me on matters of raising the kids simply because I’m around them more, have read more, am their mother, etc. Whereas there are other topics I defer to him on. But I think the thing with Christians is, though, that there’s always that tie-breaker. If we both disagree and absolutely cannot come to an agreement (which can happen with two people), then the wife is to defer to the husband. He has the ultimate responsibility over the household as the man of the house, but that doesn’t mean it’s always his way.
One question about your comment though–you say you pick and choose the parts of the religions you like–how do you know you are picking the right ones?
Hello,
Thank you for the response! Well, If everything works well this way for you, then great 🙂 to answer your question, I follow my heart and intuition: never in my life have they decieved me. I believe that the energy of creation can be called by many names, but that its essence remains the same, no matter what people wish to call it. I let myself be guided by this energy of life using daily prayers and meditations, etc. I think the key in knowing what you believe is good is to have genuine faith in and love for the universe, all of its creations and yourself. But to return the question– How do you know your religion is the right one?
Hi Lua!
Two things, one this:
“Anyways, what I wanted to say is that I think that the husband and wife should know when to “submit” to eachother. Both of their work should be viewed as equally important. ”
I agree with that whole heartedly. Spouses should respect (that is really what submit means) each other. The key though is as Brittany points out that when the two disagree, the bible states that the husband should have authority over the final decision.
Hello Misty,
I respect that belief, but I would not personally work this way. Having rules such as these for the family have done and have the potential to reinforce women’s opression, if you don’t pick and choose throughout parts in the bible, or if you interpret it in a mysoginistic way (which has been done in the past, I study history and religion at school). The bible is not a source of authority for me, but if it is yours, and you are happy this way, keep doing what you do! The author of this article seems to interpret passages in the bible in a more egalitarian and, from what I understand of Jesus’s history, more true to his philosophy. (In the beginning of Christianity, Jesus had many female followers because of his more egalitarian views). Anyways, peace and love to y’all 🙂
I am the author of this article 😉
Haha i am sorry in my head I thought it was Brittany!
We need to be careful what we tell wives to allow their husbands to do to them. Husbands are some huge sinful humans and aren’t deity. We must not take the submission to mean the wrong thing,
Wives must not allow abuse from husbands. Husbands are not are not perfect like Jesus. Wives are told to allow the husband to lie the leader and wives submit and go along with that leadership, not go blindly into abuse. God intended for me to hold their end of the responsibilities up for their wives. But the majority of husbands have some snake,y dirty little habits. So we know they are only humans. If a husbands is not acting the way God told him to behave, how in the world, can you tell a wife to allow him to misuse hi leadership? why are people telling wives to submit to his sins.
Now, tell me how you would approach this situation. I am head of labor and delivery at my hospital. This is a huge sore spot with me and I defend my mothers at all costs. When my young mothers are laboring and the entering the childbirth phase, with pain and confusion and discomfort, we actually see husbands acting like something from another world. They become demanding, selfish, pouty and rude while in their wives’ hospital room.
The wives’ labor and delivery is her time for privacy.She can even request no one be in the room. They often like to labor naked and in the privacy of their suites, The mothers expect privacy and so many husbands are foolish and think it is okay for him to allow his parents to enter the mother’s space. There are often arguments. I have to intervene often times and explain to husbands how his requests are causing stress for mom and baby. Men are unbelievably selfish, other times and also when their wives are laboring. A woman still has herd ignite and autonomy of her body as it relates to her privacy. No his man on this earth, can demand that his wife show her body to anyone.
Now tell me what your opinion is of submission when a laboring woman tells her husband that he cannot invite his parents to come into her labor and delivery space when she has already told him explicitly no! ? Do you see how this is a example of her not having. to go along with this?This is what some of us have been trying to tell you all.
Some of you all go too far with submission . And I still don’t see any men writing any articles telling husbands to lay down their lives for their wives and honor their wives and love their wives as their own bodies. See God gave some awesome instructions for husbands too, but no one is brave enough to tackle the topic the way some of you wives who write an abundance of paragraphs on one page that scolds and lectures wives about how she should stop breathing for her husband and never ever have an opinion and never tell him no, just because God told her to submit to his leadership.
“If a husbands is not acting the way God told him to behave, how in the world, can you tell a wife to allow him to misuse hi leadership? why are people telling wives to submit to his sins.”
Hi Beryl! In response to your above statement, let me just ask where did I say that a wife should submit to her husbands sin? I am not exactly sure where I referenced that.
In regards to your question about a wife laboring, and her husband pushing his parents on her, yes I believe STRONGLY that this is a situation where the husband should respect the wifes wishes. Submission is really a big word for respect. I don’t believe husbands are off the hook. In my marriage my husband would NEVER disrespect me in that way, and in return I submit (respect) his decisions regarding our home. In a Christ centered marriage the husband would not disrespect his wife. This was the situation from where I was writing the article.
Thank you so much for writing this! I wrote an article on why I don’t post breastfeeding photos, because my husband asking me not to post them. My audience loved it, but I posted it in a local mommy group and it went poorly. People just don’t understand or appreciate submission these days, it is truly terrifying and sad.
Thank goodness it isn’t their opinion that matters–it’s your husband’s and God’s 🙂
So true! 😀
You are teaching your daughters to be subservient, to repress their independent spirits? That’s sad. If you make the choice to be submissive to your husband, that’s fine. But it’s wrong to pressure your daughters into entering the same dynamic.
Hi, Elise. I think the problem is that we are likely using the word “submissive” in two very different ways. I do NOT mean that women shouldn’t be independent or think for themselves or that they aren’t equally as important or any of that nonsense. That’s not what we’re getting at at all.
I simply mean that my husband and I are a team on most things, but if we disagree, I will voluntarily defer to him. He will absolutely still ask for and value my opinion. I will tell him what I think and why. But at the end of the day, he is a good, Godly man and I trust him to lead our family well and make decisions that are in the best interest of our entire family – even if they aren’t the exact same decisions I make myself. Because there’s more than one way of doing things.
I have to admit, I’m not very good at this (lol, not at all!), but every time I do choose to lead my husband take the lead and step up to be the man God is calling him to be, I can definitely see and reap the benefits.
Yes, it wouldn’t work so well if my husband was a jerk (I have a separate post on that), but as long as he’s doing his part and I’m doing mine, both of us (and our family) are all in great hands.
As a Godly man, I read this thread and I’m immediately concern with of emotions in the posts….If you are a Godly woman, then Gods word is final authority.
1. God made woman for man.
2. The man is head of the woman.
3. The man is to lay down his life if required to.
In America, the family structure is out of order due to Ellen Degeneres, Oprah Winfrey, Phil Donahue, etc…etc….
When people place Gods word second to secular opinion…Things get jumbled out of place.
Husbands love you wives, is a command
Wives submit to your husbands, is a command…
Follow that or risk being judged on judgement day
It does not tell us in the bible to submit to your husband anywhere! The only commandment to wives is to respect your husband and for husbands to love their wife. It does say to submit to one another ( this means both parties) but this was translated fri Greek and it mean to GIVE to another. Its so sad that this keeps getting erroneously taught.
Hi, Jenny. It actually does. Ephesians 5:22: “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.”
In all fairness, it does also say in Ephesians 5:21 (the previous verse): “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” but just because we are both supposed to submit doesn’t mean women aren’t. 🙂
To walk in the way of the Lord will always bring happiness. I know that submission to my husband is what the Lord wants for our marriage. I also know that when I do submit I am so much more happy and at peace. But sometimes it is still so hard to get it right.
Your words here and those of others let me know I am not alone in my struggle. Thank you!
It IS hard to get right! (I’m particularly terrible at this too, but learning…) It is worth it though 🙂
I need advice regarding submission. My husband wants me and the kids to go with him to Venezuela. He wants to do missionary work there. However, food and medicine are scarce over there, and hard to come by. If it were most other countries, I’d be okay to go, but I don’t want to ask my kids to suffer and starve for Christ at such a young age.