When You and Your Husband Feel More Like Roommates Than Lovers

🌺  Written by Gina

 When You and Your Husband Feel More Like Roommates Than Lovers“We’re like two ships passing in the night…”

It’s a phrase I hear surprisingly often when couples are talking about their interactions with one another.

In other words, you coexist around each other. When it comes down to it, there’s not much space or even desire for intimacy. You’re not “in the mood.”

Does it describe your marriage?

 

It’s easy to coexist when your life is full, whether with babies and sleep deprivation (because finding time for romance when your children are little is HARD!) or older kids and their accompanying activity schedules. You and your spouse might even make a pretty good team. But what about not too far down the road (it’s really not), when your kids are grown, and it’s just you and your man, night after night? The divorce rate for empty nesters has been rising steadily.

Some marriages don’t even make it to the empty nest stage. When partners aren’t getting their intimacy needs met within the marriage, it becomes all the more natural to slip into infidelity. Yes, even in Christian marriages—I’ll bet you can name a few yourself.

This is why it’s a strong conviction of mine and my husband’s to fight for our marriage — even when we’re busy and exhausted.

If you’re getting a little nervous about where your marriage is or where it’s headed, don’t worry. It’s never too late to change course and work towards intimacy.

If you’re not okay with being “just roommates,” there are two things you must work on constantly in your marriage relationship.

 

1. Cultivate Your Most Important Friendship

 

When I think back to when my husband and I were first getting to know each other, we always wanted more time together. While there was certainly attraction going on from day 1, it was wrapped up in shared experiences, conversations and laughter way before we started dating.

We’ve been very close friends now for over 13 years. And we frequently like to note to one another how much we still enjoy hanging out with each other!

I think there’s a misconception out there that good friendships “just happen.” But whether it’s with your husband or someone else, there are several key components in the relationships that have to be in place continually:

 

  • Shared Experiences

While you don’t have to do everything together and share every interest, you should have something that just the two of you enjoy. My husband and I love interesting food and travel. We try to enjoy these experiences together and create new memories as often as possible—an overnight away from the kids once or twice a year is a goal. And when we can’t get out, we’ll watch food and travel shows!

When life is crazy busy, you have to prioritize these kinds of experiences. Put them in your calendar regularly, and protect them fiercely.

 

*Not sure what to do? Check out these 25 fun and frugal date night ideas

 

  • Conversation

Maybe you’re not naturally chatterboxes, and that’s fine, but you can’t have an intimate friendship without at least some communication. And I’m not talking about how the kids are doing and what your calendar looks like; I’m talking about fun and interesting dialogue that draws you closer to one another. Maybe that’s analyzing your favorite food and travel show ;), or maybe it’s in response to some fun and interesting questions like these conversation cards.

Again, it takes prioritization in your heart and in your schedule to make these kinds of conversations happen.

 

  • Laughter

Hopefully if you’re doing the first two things well, then this will come naturally. If you’re feeling too much like distant roommates, then lighten up and have some fun!

This post has lots of ideas to help you do just that: 10 Ways to Make Your Marriage Fun Again

 

2. Create Sizzling Romance

 

I’ll be the first two admit, it’s hard to feel sexy when my abdomen has been stretched out by three pregnancies and I get reaaaaally excited about the idea of uninterrupted sleep. What’s more, we’re both under a lot of pressure from the stage of life we’re in, so putting forth the effort to be romantic can sound exhausting.

But it’s really not that hard. It just takes a little forethought and everyday discipline to working more romance into the relationship.

 

  • Flirtation

I hate the following scenario: It’s late and night, we haven’t connected all day, and then all of a sudden we should throw our clothes off and be swept up in passion? My husband knows I ideally need foreplay for ideally, um, all day to “be in the mood.” But at the same time, I know I can get myself more in the mood by getting my flirt on.

All it takes is a little gesture like a suggestive text, a wink, or a long kiss when he walks in the door. Then the tone is better set for us to connect.

 

*Related: 10 Ways to Make Your Marriage Fun Again

 

  • Communication about Sex

 I’ll admit, this was super uncomfortable for me when I was a newlywed, and actually still is sometimes! I think it’s easier to just assume our partner should know what we like and don’t like and vice versa. But even if you’ve been married for a long time, this is an area that you have to talk about pretty frequently!

But trust me, it’s so worth it. You will continue to grow in your intimacy and strengthen your marriage over the years if you keep talking about sex in a safe and shame-free environment with one another.

Related post: 5 Christian Sex Tips for a Stronger, Healthier Marriage

 

  • Adventure

At certain points in our relationship, adventure has meant traveling or relocating across vast distances. At other points, it has meant making encountering a new experience in our own home. We’ve had to face fears, insecurities and disappointments, but because we did it together, we were brought closer together, in the most romantic way.

I like to think this word sums up what I love about our marriage relationship, whether we’re talking about friendship or romance. The adventure should never stop. Don’t hold back from doing daring things together!

 

**Related: How to Celebrate National Husband Appreciation Day

 

When it comes to your marriage and avoiding being just roommates, would you strengthen your friendship, your romance, or both?

About the author

Gina Poirier is a happily married mom of five, stress management coach and writer who helps overwhelmed, exhausted moms find peace and purpose in the everyday. You can find her at her website, GinaMPoirier.com.

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  1. This is great advice but how do you do these things if your husband doesn’t like or love you anymore ?
    How do you engage someone who has no interest in you at all?

    1. That’s so difficult! I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. Are you able to see a qualified counselor in your area? (Unfortunately, this goes beyond the scope of the type of help you can really get online, since there’s so much involved!)

      1. I feel the same way. He does not say i love you or tells me im beautiful there is nothing anymore.

    2. I have the same problem. My spouse seems to have no interest in repairing or counseling, nothing but his lazyboy. I keep saying what I am wanting, invite him to do things, no interest what so ever except the chair with his feet up. I attend church and counseling on my own. I do let him know my feelings without trying to use the word “you” but it’s not getting me anywhere but lonier and more sad. How do I cope when this is constantly on my mind?

    3. I’m a man who’s been married for almost 40 years,! We haven’t had sex in 38 of those 40 years! I was used only as a sperm donor to produce a normal grandson for my in-laws due to their down syndrome son! I’ve had it and don’t want any more. Please! Tell me what you’ve done to remedy your situation! That’s my horror story! Please contact me at my email address. I promise, I will comment. [email protected]!

  2. One big problem I’m our relationship is her refusal to initiate sex. Even after a few years now my begging arguing pleading something new ideas etc. I’m really just about done with sex having her show no desire. It was never this way before. I realize menopause is a reason but four at least. Four years now? With all that has been said and done on the issue by me.I think I just don’t do it for her anymore. It shows that I don’t. She can pleasure herself, menopause isn’t an issue then.? I don’t like what has become of our nine year marriage that was the most exciting relationship Of my 57 years.

    1. You said you’ve spoken to your wife about this (I assume you’ve spoken to her kindly — not JUST begged, argued and pleaded, all of which would NOT make a person want to have sex with you). Have you spoken to a counselor and/or doctor as well? There may be an underlying issue going on other than just menopause — either physically, mentally or emotionally.

      This article has more information as well: https://equippinggodlywomen.com/marriage/4-reasons-youre-never-in-the-mood/

      1. We actually are roommates as of about a month ago. We sleep in separate bedrooms. She is loving it and says it’s because of the fact that I snore. I understand that though it’s obvious to me that is not the sole reason. To me it has and is totally disconnected us. I don’t even want to go in there (our room)anymore. I feel I’m not welcomed there really. The years of her lack of desire to be with me has caught up to us both. It’s just the way it is and is laughable to me that she is sticking to her reason as snoring and menopause being the reason. Oh, and me. Arguing, laziness or whatever reason she brings up while discussing the issue. I’ve tried it every different way and she just has an excuse even when I’ve been king of the yard bringing home good money and having fun rv-ing or whatever. She just isn’t into me anymore and it hurts me like hell. Good times bad times it doesn’t matter. Your picture an overweight bald headed ugly monster but I am none of those…. we use to have so much desire for one another. I know that is long gone. Thanks for allowing me to share.

    1. Hello, Helen. That is an excellent question. You can check out some of my tips in this article for starters. It may just be a matter of needing to feel more connected.

      Want Better Sex in Christian Marriage? (Try These 5 Tips!): https://equippinggodlywomen.com/marriage/christian-sex-tips/

      But if it is more involved than that, it might be helpful to speak to his doctor and also ask about a Christian sex therapist. There are lots of ways to be intimate without having sex.

      Hope this helps!

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