Is your marriage going through a tough season right now?
Maybe you feel like you’re barely holding on by a thread, and you’re not sure how much longer you can take it. Maybe you’re wondering if God will ever come through for you, or if you’ll have to live like this forever.
It can be excruciatingly difficult to know when to stay and keep praying, and when to leave, if at all. And some of the common advice given in Christian circles can actually do more harm than good, if applied to the wrong situation.
Unfortunately, repairing a broken or hurting marriage isn’t always easy, nor is it always possible. But that doesn’t mean (in most cases) we should just quit.
Is Divorce Ever God’s Will?
Yes, divorce is typically painful, messy, and complicated for everyone involved. Marriage is supposed to last for a lifetime, and it can be devastating when a marriage crumbles.
However, there are a few completely valid, biblical reasons why a divorce may be acceptable or even needed. For example, in cases of abuse (emotional, physical, financial, and others), it can be necessary to separate or divorce in order to protect one or both spouses and any children involved.
Yes, divorce is bad. Yes, God hates it. But it’s not the only thing He hates. He also hates to see His children broken and mistreated.
And if divorce or separation is the only way to stop your husband from sinning through the way that he mistreats you, it may be the lesser of the two evils.
God won’t lead you INTO sin, but if you’re already in a tough situation, it may be His will for you to get out of it.
What Does the Bible Say About Divorce?
The Bible contains quite a few verses on the topic of divorce.
They make it clear that marriage is meant to be a life-long, inseperable bond between one man and one wife.
Matthew 19:6 says, “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.””
However, the bible does recognize the fact that there are situations in which saving the marriage isn’t practical or wise.
1 Corinthians 7:10-11 says, “To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. 11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.”
Matthew 5:32 says, “But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”
For marriages where both spouses aren’t Christians, 1 Corinthians 7:15 says, “But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.”
Can a Broken Marriage Be Saved?
The good news is: Yes! Oftentimes a broken or hurting marriage can be saved, especially if both sides are willing to work on their issues, put God first, and treat each other with dignity and respect.
Being married can be hard. Not in the sense that every day is a constant, draining battle to love the other person, but in the sense that a good marriage involves two people constantly setting their own selfishness aside to love and care for the other.
And newlyweds often have a lot to learn when they are first starting out. They don’t yet have the skills and understanding they’ll need to truly love and care for each other just yet. These are skills that have to be learned (and may not always be taught in childhood.)
If you’re wondering if you should stay or leave, please see a pastor, priest, or licensed counselor for personal advice. I cannot tell you in an article, without knowing your situation.
But I can share the story of Donna, a woman who stayed through a difficult marriage and learned a great deal, and God blessed her for it.
1. You Can Fix a Broken Marriage – But You Can’t “Fix” Him
Donna shares her number one piece of advice: You are not your husband’s holy spirit, and it’s not your job to fix them. She says:
As your husband’s wife, you are closer to him than anyone else. This means you can see all his flaws. This does NOT mean, however, that it’s your job to fix them. A change in behavior must come through a change of heart, and that is the work of the Holy Spirit.
You can pray for your husband. You can encourage your husband. You can build your husband up. But you can’t change him or make him do anything he does not want to do.
Let me state this clearly: When I was wondering how to save my marriage, I realized quickly that nagging doesn’t work!
You can, however, figure out how to fix a marriage, take the steps needed, and fix your own attitude. But you can’t “fix” your husband.
While working on how to save my marriage, I had to see the good in my husband, love him for who he is, and let the Holy Spirit deal with the rest.
2. Your Husband’s Anger Isn’t Always About You
While it’s very tempting to feel wounded and take it personally when your husband is angry or in a bad mood, your husband’s anger may not be about you at all. Sometimes a husband will simply take his frustrations out on a wife because she is there and he feels safe doing so.
(Whether this is right or wrong – we all do it sometimes.)
One of the most liberating things when learning how to fix a marriage is understanding that his frustration isn’t about you.
It is very freeing to realize he can be in a bad mood, and it doesn’t have to be your fault or your responsibility.
I used to get very hurt and wounded when my husband would get angry. Now I am able to let him spout off and get it out of his system when he needs to without getting personally offended.
The good news is: if he is talking, you at least know what is going on. He is sharing what is going on in his emotions and he is being open enough to let you know what he is going through.
If you are wanting to know how to save your marriage, do your best to ignore the anger and listen to what he’s really saying. What’s really going on? What is he really angry about?
3. You Have to Own Up to Your Part in the Problem
That being said, sometimes it IS about you. Maybe there are things you are doing that contribute to the situation and make it worse. And you cannot fix a broken marriage unless you are willing to take responsibility for your half.
In learning how to fix a failing marriage, you must be willing to ask the Lord to show you the areas in your life that are not what they should be and be brave enough to make the necessary changes.
All of our motives are not always as pure as we want to think they are, and we all have plenty of room for improvement.
Ask yourself: How am I adding to the situation? Are there things I am doing or failing to do? Am I setting my husband up for success? Do I give him the benefit of the doubt and turn the other cheek? Do I always respond in love and grace?
It doesn’t matter if your husband is a jerk or the sweetest man alive. When you are faced with needing to know how to save your marriage, we need to understand that we are always responsible for our responses, no matter the circumstances.
It is not your husband’s job to make you happy. You must own up to your part of the situation as well.
4. Divorce Isn’t the Only Way When Asking How to Fix a Broken Marriage
Please take this the right way: While there are definitely times when divorce is okay or even necessary, divorce is not the only option. And sometimes, God may be calling you to endure a rough season so that you can reap the reward later.
That’s how it was for me.
At one point, our marriage had deteriorated to the point that I had gone numb emotionally. I knew we were in trouble, but did not see a way out. I considered contacting a lawyer to protect myself and my children in the event my marriage failed.
I remember specifically asking God, “Can I give him back?”
I very quickly and emphatically got a “no.”
Yes, there are good reasons to walk away, and I may have even been justified in doing so, but I knew God had other plans for me and for my marriage.
So I determined in my heart that if my marriage failed, it would be because my husband walked away, not me.
I wasn’t giving up on my marriage. Instead, I was going to figure out how to fix my marriage.
5. When You Can’t Do it For Your Husband, Do it Out of Obedience to the Lord.
When working on how to repair a marriage, this decision made a huge difference in how I handled conflict.
I realize that I had to choose how I would respond. When we had a disagreement and I felt he was treating me unfairly, I had a choice: I could sulk. I could try to “win” the argument. I could try other tactics.
But instead I asked myself: “If divorce is not an option, and you don’t want to stay where you are in your marriage, what response will bring healing? What is the right thing to do?”
I chose to figure out how to fix my broken marriage rather than fight for my rights.
It wasn’t always easy. But in the most difficult days, when I didn’t have much to give, I did my best to love my husband out of obedience to the Lord.
I believe in God’s will for marriage restoration, and I believe the Lord saw my heart and honored this commitment in my desire to know how to save my marriage.
6. It Can Take a Long Time for the Answer to Your Prayers to Come – And it May Not be the Way You Want
Sometimes God answers prayer right away. Other times, God says wait.
I prayed for many years to the Lord to show me how to fix a broken marriage before the answer came. And when He did finally respond, it certainly wasn’t in the way that I expected.
The game-changer in my marriage came in the form of a crisis. It was very painful at the time, but I thank God that it happened. Looking back, it was the only situation that we could have gone through that would have produced the healing my broken marriage needed.
Yet, while it was painful at the time, it was also a time of spiritual growth and intimacy with the Lord.
I’ve heard it said that the Lord does not waste any pain. I have found this to be true – at least in my life. So if you are dealing with a broken marriage right now, don’t give up just yet. Use this season of life to get to know the Lord in a very real way. He is there and has not abandoned you. God has a plan for your life, and it’s a good one.
Healing Takes Time
Nothing is a quick marriage fix. After forty years, I can say with confidence that marriage isn’t always easy and it takes work. And I can also tell you… it has all been worth it.
That same husband I wanted to give back all those years ago? Now I love him with all my heart.
He treats me with love and respect. I watch him daily try to please me and care for me. We often look at each other and know what the other is thinking without saying the words. There is no one on this earth who knows me better than my husband.
I thank the Lord often that I have the privilege to call him my husband and friend.
Why Does the Bible Say God Hates Divorce?
Malachi 2:16 (NLT) says,
“‘For I hate divorce!’ says the Lord, the God of Israel. ‘To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty,’ says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. ‘So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife.
Yet, please understand: The Bible does not say that God hates divorced people.
We all mess up and make mistakes, and God has abundant grace to cover that. However, we can all agree that divorce is often traumatizing, even if it is necessary and appropriate. It’s an unfortunate reality that hurts a lot of people.
It makes sense that God would hate that it has to exist, rather than everything always working out the way He had intended.
10 Bible Verses About Trusting God in Difficult Times
When you’re going through trials and suffering, Scripture verses about trusting God in difficult times can be such a comfort. The Bible’s whole narrative is about humanity’s journey in trusting their Creator.
Meditate on and pray through these verses about trusting God in difficult times when you need a reminder about the big picture: God’s story, what He’s doing in the world, His boundless grace and mercy, and how much you matter to Him.
10 Bible Verses About Trusting God in Difficult Times
Four Things Every Christian Needs to Know About Forgiveness
Have you ever thought or said the phrase “I know I should forgive, but I just can’t…”
Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that what they did was okay, that you have to pretend that nothing’s wrong, or that you have to maintain a close relationship with them. Rather, forgiveness is a way for YOU to find peace and healing.
Here are Four Things Every Christian Needs to Know About Forgiveness
Brittany Ann is an ECPA bestselling author and founder of Equipping Godly Women and Monetize My Ministry. She’s also a Christian speaker, podcaster, and conference host. Her work has been featured on numerous TV, radio, and online ministries, including CBN, MSN, Christianity Today, Evangelical Alliance, Patheos, Crosswalk, and more.
